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I am a widow of two and one half years, about 3 months after

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my husband died, a friend...
I am a widow of two and one half years, about 3 months after my husband died, a friend came to me and asked me to wait for him because his wife was ill and he didn't think she would live much longer. I have been involved with him ever since and his wife has small cell lung cancer but keeps holding on and who knows how long this will last. The doctors told her in May it would be two weeks to two months. My problem is the anxiety of waiting. Being told he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me but in the meantime I sit and wait and can't stand being told he can't do anything. He says he never loved her but they were married for 40 yrs. I have a deep love but also a deep hatred of this situation. Can you give me some advice?
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 52 minutes by:
9/4/2010
Mental Health Professional: Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist replied 7 years ago
Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Lori Gephart :

Hello, I'm happy to talk with you. I am working on your question now.

Lori Gephart :

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing. It sounds as if you have not truly had time to grieve the loss of your husband in some ways since you began an emotional relationship shortly after this loss. The grieving process takes time. Keep in mind that the stages of grief include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It is important to allow yourself the time to work through the grief process, as well as allowing yourself to feel your feelings in small amounts without allowing them to overwhelm you. It is possible that you were so open to this new relationship in order to avoid feeling the uncomfortable feelings of grief.

This time that you are waiting could be a very good opportunity for you to give yourself time to grieve and to work on taking care of you. If you need help learning to feel your feelings in a safe way individual therapy can be very effective. Other tools such as exercise, eating healthy, structuring your days with some social interaction, meditation, journaling, volunteering, and working can all be quite helpful. This is a time to work on taking good care of yourself and building your self esteem and confidence and to give yourself unconditional love.

I would suggest proceeding with caution once this man's wife dies since he will also need time to grieve. Even if his marriage was not good, it is still a loss for him. If you begin a relationship before the grieving process has been allowed to be completed it is more likely that this will interfere with you starting a healthy relationship together.

Basically I am suggesting that you focus on you instead of focusing on waiting for him. I hope this makes sense and that this is helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.

Customer:

Thanks for replying. My husband had lost his site during open heart surgery nine years before he passed away and I had been his caregiver for all that time. I don't think I will ever understand him losing his site and I grieved with him all the way through his heart condition, loss of sight and prostrate cancer. I was ready for him to go to heaven because that was the best thing for him.

Customer:

My self esteem has been very low since I also got layed off my paralegal position in June of last year when I had surgery. I never dreamed my boss would let me go but the economy caught up with him.

Customer:

So as you see, I've been through a war. Loved my job, happy to have a job to get my husband and I through the hard times. Actually was able to buy a home for us a year and a half before he died. I don't think I loved him after he lost his sight. He mellowed out, looked totally different and his personality was totally reversed. I cared about him for my children and I would never have left him and my friend waited until after he died to even approach me. For that, I am grateful, but why couldn't I be patient now with him. I think it's because I need attention now and I'm free to express and feel it but we have this problem and I just love him and hate him at the same time. I sometimes wished he had just waited until after his wife had died.

Customer:

In the meantime, I am trying to start a new business for myself. But, my problem with that is I had started it with my friend and now he's lost interest because he said he just got involved with it so it would keep me occupied while I was waiting. So, another disappointment.

Customer:

I just sit around and wait for him to come over and mope. You're right I have to get out and get myself motivated and know that it's just around the corner, but instead I've become this mushy, can't stand myself person.

Customer:

Thanks again.

Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
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Experience: Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.

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