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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Why do women lie about being pregnant? Is there any

Customer Question

Why do women lie about being pregnant? Is there any indicators that I should watch out for that she is not being honest? She has a history of abuse, that has gone untreated for many years, I am the one wanting out of the relationship, she also seems to lie allot, including small things. Thanks!!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I have a few questions for you before I share my answer.

If you consider that behavior serves a purpose and is nearly always determined by the outcome it produces, what would be the PAYOFF that would come to someone by claiming she is pregnant, your view?

You of course, must have a paternity test done to make sure you are the father, if she is actually pregnant and has the child. If she is not pregnant and is lying, than she will claim that she had a miscarriage at some point, because that can be the only valid way to make a nonexistent baby disappear.

If she is prone to lie about many things, then I don't know how anyone could pursue a serious relationship with her because he would constantly be misled and could never trust her about either big or small matters. This would be an unliveable situation for anyone, long term.

You say you are wanting out of the relationship. Do you have plans or a timeline?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Ok, well I give some more detailed background info, on her and of me. I am a recovering alcohalic, I had 5 years of constant sobriety but in dealing with my X, which also was abused and when things would get too much to handle and I wanted to leave, resulted in similiar circumstances. I am what AA would call a "people pleaser" I suppose. I have done very well in my recovery, despite my slips; which do not bring me down anywhere as near as low as I used too go before regaining my sobriety. I am attracting the same kind of person, I really dislike this phenomenon! I had read about it, but I am now living it! My need for attention and holes in me, as I like to call them, resulted in me being nieve and diving in with this girl. I believed all she had to say about herself and on the surface it seemed absolutly perfect! Unfortunatly as time has gone on, I'm able to see through things, dealing with this before and of being intuitive, and somewhat life educated, and done research on living and supporting abuse victims...I began to see things that didn't quite click. Grandious behaviour, lies about little things, catching her acting out insecurities but swearing that what I saw, heard, experienced, is me being "crazy" I Practically outlined vocally to her how this break up would unfold, in frustration and anger after toiling for quite sometime, waiting for the miracle or calvary to come and save make her "get help", and me redifine. I'm in no way perfect and not playing victim here, I got this deep on my own accord and I was "leading" us into this, totally blinded by the hopes of filling a void, writing a wrong, just relieving that pain I carry in me, thats been there for so long. We are now living together, and I have stood firm on my decision, she tries daily, from multiple angles, ways of getting me to realize "her". She has epiphanies, vows to open up, to get help, to do whatever it takes....but as much as I want to give her a fresh start, free of how an X treated me, I can't its to close to home. I put down my life to guide us, thats interchangable in whatever relatioship, thats how I make it, to avoid....whats in me that needs attention. I know this, I need to get sober, I've only been drinking for about a week and a half, and nothing like I would/was, but none the less...I'm needing to clear this up, make decisions, and get some normal balance for me, to be single and move away forever from what it is in me that makes me want, need, attract people with problems. I absolutly called the fact that when she was at the door for our last good would be the bombshell, and it came...but I can see through her action and realize she's hurting, and I become soft, and not just care about me, but about her! Which I mean needs to happen to some extent! I've gave an inch and now its a mile....she swears that were just going to be friends, and then unviels that 3 days of acting how she was, was just in hopes to intice me! Ugggghhhh I hope that gives you some levity. I guess what I am asking is how can I be caring and true to me. I'm afraid from my past relationship that there will be consequences for me standing up for myself (accusations to the police, slander to friends and family etc etc) this time I decide that I would let her maybe "think" she's steering the ship, while I direct actually direct it. This of course was after valent attempts of honesty, communication, trying to establish a good way apart for the both of us. I'm scared for my safety because of the unpredictibility of her, maybe that is enlarged because of past nightmares I have overcome in the same kinds of situations, but it is scary none the less. Thank You..I'm sorry to be so long winded, you did ask for additional information ha ha

Thanks, ***** *****

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.

I appreciated the thought and detail you put into writing your last post. The woman you are with may have significant emotional problems----a personality disorder. You should Google the following terms: DSM Criteria Narcissistic Personality Disorder and read a number of the links that come up. You can read about other personality disorders in this manner as well e.g., Histrionic, Anti-Social and Borderline all come to mind; read about all of these. The major problem with nearly all people who have a personality disorder is that they either have a very difficult time forming intimate, quality relationships with others, or if they form them, they cannot maintain them, because their patterns of relating, getting their needs met by the relationship, tend to be excessively demanding, exploitative, or introduce much confusion and chaos into the relationship.

You have had good periods of sobriety in the past and I think the stress of this relationship is jeopardizing your health because you have now relapsed. You may need to move yourself out of your apartment, or pay to set her up in her own apartment (pay a deposit and one month rent) to get the separation you need. You need personal space to sort things out and therefore you may want to talk with a therapist (psychologist, social worker) to help you make clear and firm decisions, and to prevent being affected by her actions---the are ONLY designed to control you and maintain the relationship ON HER TERMS.

I suspect that once you settle in your mind on a period of clear separation, with no contact, you will start feeling much more emotionally stable and you will be able to stop drinking much more easily. You will be able to make firm commitments about the course you need to take to move your life forward.

I hope this answers your question. Please let me know if I have overlooked anything in providing this response.

"PLEASE....Show respect for your expert. If the information shared with you is helpful, confirm this by Accepting their answer and provide Feedback. Thank you!

I think to best deal with how manipulative this girlfriend seems to be, you need to gain some physical distance and time apart. This could be a permanent move or a trial separation.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm aware of personality disorders, and have feared that I have had one myself because its easy to fit that criteria, especially one just rising up to a closer level of thre true selves. I did like your response, your ideas are practical and if I had the resources (money) I would do just that for her, unfortunatly I am a student, and this beautiful place we live in was our "dream". One thing as a whole that you awoke in me was what I need to do. Could you perhaps give some more indepth response to what you fee/see in me. I know that its impossible, without face to face contact and real time and interaction, but I think that I need to build my strengths to overcome this properly, rather than focus on her, and her flaws..I've made it quiet clear my intentions from here on out with her.....I will be seeking outside help by the way, from AA, and a councilloer. I have found even just this process to be therapuatic, with the added bonus of your guidance. This is a brillant site!
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for the kind words, Mat.

An interesting bit of clinical lore, that is mostly accurate, but not entirely, is that if you have the ability to look honestly at yourself and seriously wonder if you have a personality disorder, you probably do not! This is because individuals with the personality disorders I mentioned in a prior post are extremely well-defended and tend to externalize blame for nearly every problem or conflict in relationships. When they apologize or act remorseful, it is in genuine, and/or their actions do not later support their words. The path you've taken to recover emotionally from the relationship you had with your ex-wife, and the honest struggles you tackled with your alcohol problems, along with the success you've enjoyed with the help of AA, plus, your willingness to really WORK on personal emotional and interpersonal limitations, suggest that you can indeed recover and find success in relationships, but you need a supportive, emotional environment to do this.

You must remind yourself that both you and your girlfriend have taken the same risks and taken the same amount of time out of your lives to try to make a relationship work. You do not owe it to her to provide her with "happiness" going forward. She is responsible for finding that on her own.

I hope this answers your question. Please let me know if I have overlooked anything in providing this response.

"PLEASE....Show respect for your expert. If the information shared with you is helpful, confirm this by Accepting their answer and provide Feedback. Thank you!

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