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My husband had a child when he was 19 yeas old and it was

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put up for adoption....
My husband had a child when he was 19 yeas old and it was put up for adoption. When that child was 20 she located and contacted my husband. I knew about this before I married him. When she contacted him 22 years ago she made herself part of the family. I was ok with it in the begining but over the years it has turned to resentment and I dislike her greatly for intruding on our lives. My husband doesn't understand why I feel this way because she is a nice person and doesn't live so close as to where we see her often.I hate that she is in our lives and I have not felt the same about my husband sine she has dropped in. What can I do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 24 minutes by:
9/1/2010
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 7 years ago
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

If you evaluate your feelings and thoughts with great honesty, are your feelings about her based on: 1) her misbehavior or actions that trouble you? 2) feelings of jealously that your husband is investing emotional energy and time with this girl----energy and time you feel should be spent with you?

So, do you really understand the basis of your resentment toward her? And, how exactly is she intruding in your life?

I will be away from the computer for a time but will check back with you before the day is through.
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

As far as her actions. She likes to refer to herself as a "sister" to our 3 now adult children. They don't think of her as such. They think of her as a friend. She is married with children of her own and she refers to my husband as their grandpa. She has received acceptance from my husband's side of the family. But I don't want to accept her as a part of my family. There are always feelings of jealously when it comes to my husband talking to her on the phone or seeing her once in awhile.

I don't really understand the basis of my resentment. She has always tried to be nice to me. She lives far away in another state and once a year she comes out here to see her adoptive parents, and my husband always wants to get together for dinner with her and her husband and kids. But I get really uptight with her and don't want to have anything to do with her. I really wish she had never been born and I didn't have to deal with the situation.

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 7 years ago
I'd like to invite you to reflect a bit on your feelings of jealousy and share any thoughts or fantasies you have about the basis of the anxiety you feel when you know she will be interacting with your husband......any thoughts at all?
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
I'm jealous because maybe everytime he interacts with her, he thinks about her mother, even though he says he doesn't. She's like a constant reminder.
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 7 years ago
I guess the unspoken fantasy/worry is, "What will I do if he emotionally abandons me because she say/does thing to temp him to initiate a relationship once again with her mom?"

If this is true, what does it say about your husband? The obvious inference is that his interactions with his daughter might, just possibly-maybe cause him to become interested once again in her mom. Is it logical to suggest that you should be just as concerned about the true depth of his loyalty to you, his level of commitment, etc.., as you are distressed by his daughter? One would have to think that you are fairly insecure and worried about how much you can really trust him and his devotion to you?

It must be hard for you to have confidence in one basic fact---to truly TRUST it: HE LEFT HER; HE DIVORCED HER and then HE CHOSE ME; HE MARRIED ME

So HE CHOSE ME OVER HER!

Your writing reveals that you have both a rational aspect to your thinking about this situation, and a second "side" of your thinking that is dominated by insecurity, anxiety and irrational thinking. These two sides have to carry out significant 'battle' with one another; I hope your rational side wins.... You may want to carry on with this battle with the help of a counselor; because if you could achieve some peace with it, your relationship with your husband's daughter and your relationship with your husband per se, would be enhanced.

I hope this answers your question. Please let me know if I have overlooked anything in providing this response.

"PLEASE....Show respect for your expert. If the information shared with you is helpful, confirm this by Accepting their answer and provide Feedback. Thank you!
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Dr. Michael, Psychologist
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