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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Iv been wiv my partner for 4 years and hes lied constantly

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hi, iv been wiv my partner for 4 years and hes lied constantly throught out it. He had a troubled up bringing being put in and out of care for nearly all his child and teenage life and was apparently diagoisned with split personality disorder when he was 5. He has always lied since a child and i dont think he actually means to do it. He lies about everything and anything, from something little to massive things. Hes very good at it because he tells you what u want to hear and always has a different excuse which seems resonable at the time and is very convincing. We have 2 kids together and i recently found out hes been living a double life, he works and lives in a pub in a different town from where i live at the moment and is waited to get a transfer so he could move back in with me. But while hes been living there he cheated on me with a girl who hes been dating for 3months, she didnt know about me, he told her we wasnt together wen we was. He would come and stay at mine monday 2 wednesday every week which were his days off work. he even went on holiday with her and wen i found his bank statement that shows he went on holiday, i asked him about it he managed to convice me that hes mum took his bank card on holiday and used it, which was a lie. thats just one example of hes lieing even when he was found out he still denied it. he wants help and he wants me to forgive him and give him hope that i will take him back in the future, only 2 weeks ago he asked me to marry him he has mood swings aswel and is now drinking all the time, and im really worrid about him. i hope iv explained it ok, theres just so much i could tel you about his lieing, im just not sure how to explain it all in just a few sentences, as theres a lifetimes worth of it.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 7 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I would not think about taking him back until he agrees to see a counselor to begin the process of working on and improving his long list of emotional and behavioral problems. You could agree to enter couples counseling with him if this would help get him help, initially, but really, he has so many problems of a personal nature that couples therapy will have limited impact. If you simply take him back based on his promises to be more faithful to you or that he will stop lying, how much value do you place in his words? Not much I presume. Your focus should be that only through changes in his behavior does he have any hope of happiness in the future i.e., his promises and "words" have never meant much because the are generally incongruent with his actions.

You may want to suggest that he could possibly be depressed and should see the family physician about a trial on antidepressant medication. This won't resolve his problems, but will help him stabilize his mood (perhaps) and increase the likelihood that he can do the hard work that will be required of him in therapy.

How tired are you of this situation? Do you have enough energy and stamina to "try" to help him change, or are you feeling you wish to take no more risks with this man and end the relationship?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

right now i dont believe a word he says its his actions what matter to me now and whether he does go through with getting help. Im not taking him back at all unless he does get help. Iv had years of his lieing and some of it is the cause of myself being on anti depressiants, but i do want to help him get better for my kids sakes, i want them to have their dad in their lives, if i dont help him then i feel like i havent done enough for my kids and my expartner, because i do still love him and care for him. When he was a child he even accused his mothers boyfriend of sexually abusing him,and he only confessed to lieing about it when he was being interviewed by police and social services. I mean that isnt normal behaviour for a child is it?

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 7 years ago.
This is a pathetic situation for you to live in. You can find it in your heart to try to help him for the sake of your kids, while protecting YOUR heart emotionally and perhaps trying to keep a safe "emotional" distance from him, so you can't get hurt so easily in the future. Maybe if and when he ever changes, you can open your heart and take a personal emotional risk. Doing so right now, however, would probably be a mistake for you. I hope you are insistent and firm with him about what you expect, and again, you will watch his actions, and not believe his words!

I hope this answers your question. Please let me know if I have overlooked anything in providing this response.

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