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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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A long standing friend ie of 12 years and I have stopped communicating.

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A long standing friend ie of 12 years and I have stopped communicating. I need help with a social situation that came up where we were in the same gathering.
The reason we stopped communicating was because she was throughing some very unkind remarks towards me including incinuating I was making advances toward her husband which is untrue. He had been making overtures toward me which I ignored. Because of her behaviors and his I thought it would be better to end our friendship. His behavior made me very uncomfortable. I found out that her husband had advised her that he had an interest in me. They have not had a good relationship for a long time but I was not aware of that. I do believe he was using me as a pon to get back at her and perhaps end their relationship. This friend has had incurable cancer. As terrible as it sounds her husband was hoping she would die so he could get on with his life but her ca is slow growing --life expectancy could be 15 years. I wanted nothing to do with this mess. They are unkind to eachother. Realizing we were both invited to this social function she phoned me because she had not heard from me . We did not talk on the phone because i was not home. I sent her an e-mail explaining that i did not deserve her sarcastic barbs that she had been throughing me and her husbands overtures made me feel uncomfortable so under the circumstances I thought it would be best for everyone that we no longer communicated. She has indicated to me that I was just a loose divorced woman that was interested in her husband. I felt very insulted. After knowing for so long --I have had 4 short term relatiionships in 12 years. The last one 5 years ago. She told me i must attract jerks--how nice. Anyway i have never made advances in anyway towards her husband. I t is not my moral character. She showed my email to another friend of hers who advised people in this social circle. When I arrieved this person confronted me on my unkind behavior demonstrated in this email. She told me that I was not welcome in this social circle. She was not hosting this event. The hostess wanted me there but was not aware of what was going on. I did not think it was anyone elses business as to what went on between my former friend and I. But I did tell her that my our mutual friend and her husband and I would be uncomfortable in the same social circumstances. She said she understood and would let me know if they were going to attend. i did not here from here so I made the mistake of assuming they would not be there. Unforturnately they arrived..I decided the best thing to do would be to leave. I bore the social disgrace of the event. My question after all of this is "how could my email be perceived as unkind?" Ii have never felt so humiliated. I left without saying goodbye except to the hostess. I told her that my God knows
the truth and in this moment that is all that counts. That was three days ago, I have not heard from anyone. Could having cancer solisate so much sympathy that this person can mistreat people. The hostess herself has bee subjested to this womans wrath. Her attitude is " that's just Margo. How accepting. I will not attempt to be in communication with anyone in this group, I would have thought the hostess would give me a call under the circumstances, just to say how are you. Know such luck. I have known everyone in this group for a long time. Ihad to relocate to another city for work but left under very good feelings between everyone. They were glad I was back and wanted to get in contact again that is why i was invited to this social. That will change now. Margo and her friend have done alot of damage. I am assuming that everyone has sided with Margo and her confident.. Thank you for your advise.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear about this situation that you are finding yourself in. It sounds like it has been very difficult for you. Without having read your email, it would be impossible for me to say how it could have been interpreted as unkind. There may have been some things you said that sounded mean if someone were not aware of all the circumstances leading up to the email. It is unfortunate that your former friend chose to handle this by dragging everyone else into it - but that is the situation you now have to deal with. It sounds like you are better off without this group of "friends". If they don't care enough about you to ask you what happened here, then those relationships really aren't worth pursuing or worrying about. I'm sorry that you have lost relationships through this, but sometimes it's better to just walk away and do nothing. I think this is one of those times. Know in your heart that you have done nothing wrong, and do your best to move forward in your life. You can certainly try to initiate contact with these people if you desire, but if they aren't open to it, then you're going to have to accept that these relationships are over. Find some new friends who know you wouldn't do those things. Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for your response. I did end up calling the hostess. She did ask me what happened. She thought it was terrible,but once again I think if she had any concern since it was her event she could have taken the initiative to call me. She did suggest we get together separate from these other people. I told her I was open to that but i did not want to create any chaos. That is not my nature. She did say "perhaps I should not have invited you." That tells me where loyalty's lie. At the risk of sounding arogant I believe I am a person with greater caring and integrity. They are in their safe closenit little group and don't really give a damm about me anymore no matter whose in the right or wrong. I am hurt and angry. If my ex friends husband reaches out again perhaps the next woman won't have the same standard of morals. That will be their problem. It will take me a little while to get over this shaming experience. I.m not sure if I should have called the hostess but I do feel better letting her know what happened even if she does not give a damn. I have closed my relationships with these people. I f the hostess calls I think I will refuse to invitation. I am moving on making new friends as difficult as it is given my present status. If you would like to comment I would appreciate it. Thank you again.



Expert:  Tamara replied 6 years ago.
Hi again. It took a lot of courage for you to call the hostess of the party and to try to figure out what was going on. I'm sorry that she didn't respond in a way that was helpful to you. I think you are right to assume that her loyalties are elsewhere, and that you are better off moving on to new friends and relationships. You did what you could, and made an effort to straighten things out. If you want to walk away now, I think that would be a self-caring thing to do. Good luck with everything Tamara
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