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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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For Anna, Im in still in grief. Hours of phone conversation

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For Anna,
I'm in still in grief. Hours of phone conversation with ex gf and I'm stuck in the mud again. I need serious help. What to I do? I cant manage to change my number. The guilt and grief is too much.Though I feel hardened nowadays. But I dont want to! The least I can do is not fly there. But I feel arrested and beset by her yet I am strangely persuaded that she is the one good thing I need. The gas-lighting was amazing, so subtle, so convincing. This is definately BPD right? I think I need to understand more about how this is likely to affect me. Maybe thats the better test to understand this because I cant figure her out anymore. She just declares undying love and cuddles toward me and all I hope for is that she doenst kill herself, emotionally or otherwise. I cannot reason with her the way I can with anyone else. Anyone one else would have given up by now. She has me stumped. I seriously need help. I am 100% lost in the woods again. Is she sweet love or love bomb? I'm going to shrink this week.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Donna-moderator replied 6 years ago.

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Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.
Hey James,

Sorry...I've been out a couple days with a head cold and didn't see your note.

I'm also sorry that you're feeling so lost again. It's a Love Bomb and gas lighting. When you get submerged into the mire with her, all your senses swirl and you can't remember what you used to think. It is good that you stayed on the phone instead of a live visit..'.progress not perfection' is the goal. You'll get better at this, but you do have to detox to get clear. You can't have it both ways with this just hasn't worked for you.

She doesn't have you stumped, she has you dazzled. When you get further away from contact, your head clears and your friends make more sense.

Your visit to the shrink will help you out and give you another life-line.

I think your time would be better spent on the BPD Central website and re-reading Walking on Eggshells. Stick with your friends and ask for feedback about'll help.

Hang in there---this is hard, but you can do it.

Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Anna and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks Anna, I just took a breath I havent had all day. The shrink ( I should say the Doctor ) was really good. I made sure he knew that I knew I wasn't a serious problem like he has to deal with among our mental health institutions, but he was adamant that he saw a guy he wants to help. So that was cool. He really made it clear that its her whole personality wrapped up in her work on me. Its like a hose from her soul into the rubbish bin inside me sucking all the garbage there is for her life force to be fed. Its been perfect symbiosis because I have plenty to share and I'm addicted to the bedazzlement of unbridled attention, baby talk and my need to save her. Addicted on all counts! So I thought, now we are talking. You are an expert on addictions. About time you reveal to me whats going on here! I guess the NPD family was the big hint, but I now I need to see what I've become. Oh man, I could pick up the phone to her any minute. I need some help about chaning my number for the last time. Its like pulling the trigger on a the saddest person in the whole world. God help me.
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

I'm so glad the Doctor 'got you' and you connected! Thats going to be a great help to you.

You're right: the NPD family information gives you an idea of where you came from and how you got there. Dealing with your addiction to her (or any person, place, thing, or process) brings you to the place where you deal with what YOU'VE become. There are a few names of what this is called: codependency, love addiction and Adult Child stuff are the main ones. The 12 steps are very helpful in this situation, and you'll have a leg up on that because you already believe in God.

In a nutshell: You boot her out of the place where you should worship God instead of a human. Look at the definition of worship, and you'll find the true description of your behavior toward her. It doesn't mean that you've liked your behavior or even liked her, but you've acted like she is a Higher Power. Interacting with her, around her, about her, against her, talking about her, thinking about her...."her" is the common point, and it's just too much. You're trying to push a human into a God-sized hole in your soul, and it never works. So, the goal is to put God back in His place, and give the care of her over to Him as well. When God is the Higher Power, then you can trust Him to take care of her......and you don't have to. You're not pulling the trigger on the saddest girl in the world, you're stepping aside so that she can get the help she needs (which she won't do as long as you're in the picture). And you trust that God will work it out in a way you really don't have the power to do.

So, thats the mindset. How do you do it? Detox. Go back to NC and know that it's forever. Terminal. No messing around. One Day At A Time. Surround yourself with friends & activities. Get online into the blogs and chats and spend your time there instead of thinking of her. Use the Intrusive Thought Elimination technique again and with vigor. Be very, very tough on yourself. The hardest part is the first few days, but after that it will be easier. You 'bring the body and the mind will follow'. Physically move yourself out of your patterns in as many ways that you can....don't laugh, but it even helps to brush your teeth with the other hand! Change your movements so that you don't keep running into triggers.

Here are some new resources for you for this phase:

great article
another great 'how to' with resource list

Good job on going to the Doctor and telling the truth! This is fixable, James, and you can do it. I'm really happy for you.

Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Anna and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you