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Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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I'm a 19 year old boy. I like to browse fetishes such as

Resolved Question:

I'm a 19 year old boy. I like to browse fetishes such as chloroforming fantasies with no assault. Like Just seeing women going unconscious, with their eyes rolling and crossing and such. Lately, I've been browsing media that is a bit darker in fantasy but with the same basic sleepy fantasies.
I haven't had a girlfriend before but I'm thinking that I should figure out how to stop browsing my fetishes by the time I find a girlfriend.
I do enjoy watching it sometimes, but Its frowned upon so I'm not sure what to do
What is your opinion on the fetishes. Why are fantasies much darker now and what should I do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 7 years ago.
hello and thanks for your question. I would like to start by saying you have done well to acknowledge that this behaviour is not what would be considered acceptable in a relationship and you have sought assistance. You don't actually mention that this fetish is sexually link, although you say that it involves 'no assault', but you have mentioned online pornography and I therefore have made the link between the two. You ask for a view on this and I would like to give you my view.
Many people have fetishes and in some ways, there is nothing wrong with them, as long as they stay as harmless fetishes. However, it is highly possible that your expectations from a relationship would be shaped by your fetishes (you have already identified that the two don't mix and you think it would be best to give up before finding a girlfriend) and they would therefore stop you from having a healthy relationship or your relationship becomes tarnish by them. Fetishes are also likely to escalate, which you have experienced by your explanation that they are becoming darker. You ask why they are becoming darker -this is because when we are exposed to something more often, we become more used to it and need more of it or stronger measures of it, to get the same kick. It's the same with drugs, alcohol and other addictions. A person needs one more drink, or one more hit, to el the same as they did yesterday. Its the same with this fetish which may start off free from assault, but may slide into a little anger, more anger and then assault and violence, to get the same kick as before. The issue about you not wanting to be doing this by the time you have a girlfriend in insightful, for I suspect you are thinking that your girlfriend may not wish you to browse it. I would be more concerned that you would be wanting to act out your fetishes, because at some stage, looking at them is no long enough. I would also question that you would choose a different type of girlfriend if you were looking at these images or not at the time, as you may subconsciously be looking for someone who fits them, rather than someone who you truly like. I would really try to give them up before you even start looking for a girlfriend or this could become more of an issue than you haves anticipated.
Like I said before, you have made he first major step by recognising your issue and asking for help. search the internet for a local sexual therapist and make an appointment. If you feel that this may have come from an incident related to the past, seek for an EMDR therapist, that's stands for eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing, which can help you to identify beliefs and images from the past and to let them go so they no long affect your life. A therapist who specializes in sexual stuff won't be embarrassed or upset by what you tell them, as they have heard similar stuff before and have studied how to help you, so please try not to be embarrassed about it. I do hope this helps you and I wish you well. Sort it now before it gets out of control. Best Wishes, Sarah
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I guess my fetish varies in darkness.
Sometimes, just girls being silly with eye rolling and crossing eyes would in a sense "turn me on"

Would I just accept that or would I have to change myself to not like that sort of thing?

All your advice so far has been great!

Expert:  Sarah replied 7 years ago.
Maybe a good thing to do would be to make rules for yourself and just make sure that you stick by them, with a back up plan if you can't stick to them (such as seeing a therapist if you feel uncomfortable with what you are doing). Decide for yourself what you consider to be acceptable - is it harmless, is it likely to lead somewhere harmful? -and if the answers are yes and then no, then perhaps that's fine for you. I think you will know on your own mind what you are comfortable with. You may find a girlfriend who is accepting of these fetishes and that would be great -some people have fetishes for other harmless things such as shoes or scarves, but you can see how tying someone with a scarf could be the start of something entirely different. There are people who enjoy other kinds of sex, where violence and harm are acceptable and I suppose I should be saying that if both parties are accepting of this, then that's ok - I personally think there is then a fine line between this and other, more harmful stuff. Be aware that a girlfriend may find it wierd, may not want to take part, may just prefer you to do it alone, but also may go along it because she feels she should, and thats less good. Just keep an objective view on what you are doing and ask yourself if you (and any partner) are happy with it. Nobody can really tell you how to live your own life, but if you are being kind and honest, and hurting no one, you should fine.
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