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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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I'm not an native english speaker, so i hope you can really

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i'm not an native english speaker, so i hope you can really understand most of my words. I am a 24 years old girl, I have a friend that I know for 4 months now, we met in a dating site, and we live in different countries. I feel like he is a very good person that I ever meet even we do not meet in person yet, and he already bought a airticket to my country in October. In the very early time when we meet, he already know I am not sure the feeling about my ex and my past, don’t know whether I still love my ex, he feel very frustrate about that. He said he loves me but I still not sure my feeling about my ex. I feel sad and frustrate also, I like him more than like ,I can’t say love before meeting him in person, because i feel like it’s not right thing to do ,have to sure my feeling. i also worry that meet him in person, what if I love him one day then still not sure my feeling? One of my friend said don’t worry , if you fall in love with another person then you will not care about your ex anymore.---is it true? Because sometimes I bring my past out, or sometimes my friend’s words remind me of my past (seems sometimes if I don’t say it out then I feel like I hide something from him),then We will argue for that, and make each other tired , sad and angry . I want to tell you the things happen between me and ex. I was involved in a long distance relationship with my ex .we also in different countries. he visited me for one time in two years in my country. he said before he met me, and in the very early time, he wanted to ask that female friend(now it’s his best friend) out for a coffee to see what will happen between them(in my opinion, it’s a date), but she refused, because she already have someone to be with ,and he said after know more about her, he find out she like expensive thing very much, so they will not fit for each other. we did argue for female friends’ stuff before, like how many times to visit friends or call. Before 8 months we broke up, he suggested to move to my country then can slowly not contact with those friends, but I say I prefer his country , we can move to another city in his country then he can not contact with that best female friend, because I feel really uncomfortable for someone who he wanted to date before! but he said it’s impossible not to contact with her, because she helped him a lot when he got divorce before, it’s unloyal to friend if no more contact, and he also tried to show me said they were just normal friends and my ex said his father was too jealous, and in the end he chose to love another woman but not his mum. After hearing that, I feel angry, I am not his father! Because I am loyal and I always try hard in relationship! is it real love? Did he put me first? who is the most important person for him? actually If he did not want to date that woman before then I will not ask him to not contact with that woman. before we argue and separate, i tried so many times and many ways to solute the problem but it did not work, after we separate for some time , I know another man ,I told my ex it’s enough, , I I love him, but it’s his fault to leave me. I believe I will feel happy with that man in the future. then my ex said fine , if you said like that then bybye. But in my opinion,I already try hard in my relatioship,I think if he really love me, then he should try to win me back no matter I said I met someone ? ….I was not be with that man for other reasons now… I really want to meet my friend now in person, but sometimes I will think about my past and wonder whose fault in the past? is it my fault or my ex's fault in female friend's problem of last relatioship? if i can't confirm that i do nothing wrong in female friend's problem of last relatioship ,then it's hard for me to figure out what should i do now? I don’t want to hurt my friend and myself again. i do care about my friend now. what I should do ? i hope my words above isn’t too mess to understand. Thanks for reading.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 7 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these problems. I hope I have understood your situation correctly. In terms of your past relationship, I think that your ex didn't value you or your feelings enough, so you were correct to leave that relationship. Also, if he did love you, he would have taken your feelings into consideration and would have tried to come after you and make things work. So you were right to leave, even though it has hurt you.

Your friends are right - when you meet someone else that you care about, you won't worry about your ex anymore. He won't matter. But this new person may or may not be the right one. Honestly, if I were you, I would be very cautious about someone who is telling you that they love you when they have never even met you in person. That doesn't feel right to me. Don't get hooked into feeling obligated to this man because he says he loves you and he is coming to see you. Take your time with him, and make sure about how YOU feel. That's what is important here.

You aren't ready yet for another relationship, and that's OK. You need to get past your ex, and feel ready to trust someone else, and that will take time. Don't feel pressured into anything. You weren't wrong with your ex - you were just with the wrong person.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
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