Here are more of the facts in order for you to make a more informed decision. Sorry I ommitted them before. They are pieced together to the first ? I sent you I believe.
I have a very perplexing ?, at least for me. I unfortunately fell in love with a woman who I believe has bpd. She lives long distance and I have been out to visit her fixing her problems with work overload and the loss of her best friend. Coincidentally I met her on a plane coming back from that funeral as I was coming home from Thanksgiving. We are from the same area in the MW-a very rural and poor area, and we both relate to each other very very well having similar backgrounds which drew me in-additonally both of us coming from extremely intelligent parents. I guess I have a need to fix and make her feel better...,my father btw is a psychologist-PhD-....yes go figure and he fixed my mother who is brilliant but was abandoned as a child from her parents, one of whom was her mom who was diagnosed as schizophrenic and institutionalized most of her adulthood/though extremely sweet with no boundaries and a genius in addition to being a star athlete for women as quoted in the NY Times. My father rescued my mother so maybe I feel I need to carry the torch. Be it as it may, I find this lady in TX extremely attractive and I believe in my heart that I love her dearly and would do anything to make her happy.
My friend's mom abandoned her when she was young and my friend was molested by her father...yes all the classical signs of bpd. Her mom was apparently molested as well. Her son btw may have been diagnosed with this too and unfortunately for me, we get along really great adding to the confusion in my head.
My primary function it seems is to be an ear and being there whenever requested, like the last visit for her son. Unfortunately, there is a boyfriend-serious born again Christian toting the bible around everywhere-which scares the hell out of me- in the mix who is very demanding having two children of his own, one of which is autistic-8 y.o. and the other severely, ADD
-10 y. o. all of them living with his mother-addionallly they don't sound too educated and possibly prejudiced. My friend herself has two children herself, the one I mentioned, 17, diagnosed with bpd, and another, 14-both btw children of she and her husband, of Peruvian and PR descent. She is divorced and has joint custody with her X who lives 5 miles away. Recently the 17 yr. old has a crisis cutting his wrists followed up by a visit 3 weeks later from the police whereby he sent threatening messages to an admirer that he was going to consider killing himself-a very traumatic experience as I had to deal with the X's new wife who was hostile and protective at best as the X was out of town. The X later came back to town on business acting like a friend to me to find out what happened seeing me briefly and then wrote a very castigating and threatening email to my friend. From that point on, things went downhill in terms of her sharing and divulging her feelings to me. She apparently got really scared with the exchange from her X. I want to help but feel powerless as I see the train wreck occurring with relationship and how it will affect the relationship with her son.
Is there any way I can be of assistance to this woman? I want to have her avoid the inevitable issue that will occur at all costs. I really care about this lady. I also have been out to visit four times, the first to see if the chemistry we had at the airport when we met was real, the other three to put out fires-visits 2 and 3 to cope with her job closing down to to a viscous takeover battle at work where everyone got phased out-working in the oil patch for the past three years.
I know it is an uphill battle to say the least. BTW, she does engage in wild consumptive bouts of drinking vino, even though she is slight-95 lb.-5 ' tall. She also unfortunately conssumes her meds sporadically of which I know one is zanax and occasional sleeping
pills as she can not sleep. She consults with a therapist over the phone-who incidentally is a friend of her mothers-biased??-no matter the advice even if well meaning??. I do want to be there for her. Is my life destined for hell if so? I don't want to abandon her as I fear all have in the past. Maybe I am sadomasochistic but I can go through a lot. Maybe I want to be thought of as the savior, who the hell knows. I care at the minimum. Her son really cares for me and he hardly opens up to anyone. It is a tough situation as I know he will attempt to do something again. My father- believes that he suffers from "invalidation". Unfortunately the X is a serious narcissist-fitting all the patterns coupling with an bpd, and denies that his son has a problem that can not be cured. He intervenes in the counceling of the son and tells the therapist btw that thte fault lies with the son's mother. That is not going to cure this boy in my mind. This kid is sweet but has rage underneath. How can I help here-the kid trusts me even though the father does not want him to interact with me. He apparently wrote a letter to my friend stating that I might not be there in the future. I believe the thrust of the letter was to scare her so that she wou;d phase me out. I also believe at a level my friend really cares about me as she texted me last night after a 5 day hiatus saying that she hoped I was out on a date and having fun and that she always wished the best for me....this after attempting to call me which I did
not see as I was writing you. So you know, just one month ago when I was with her during the last crisis for her son, and her daughter as well-a court appearance for JV detention because her daughter confronted a bully and they were both sent to detention-TX law, she was extremely doting and affectionate, as well as seductive and genuinely appreciative. When I left, she said, I have an open date to come back any time I desired. Now it is like those words were never spoken. Also, there was a point in time in the Spring when she phased out her bf, with her admitting that relationship was not healthy for her and she was dating me....long distance. We spoke on the phone almost every other night for a few hours at a time. She seems to like to share much of herself...unfortunately at odd hours like 3:30 in the morning. She claimed I was the substitute for her best friend of 30 plus years who died-incidentally from oxycotin poisoning. There seems to be that soul connection. I am here and her- on again- bf is out there locally though I told her I would be willing to move...if she wanted me to. I ask you these ?'s as I do really care. I think I have the perserverence to take care of this woman and alleviate her fears in time-agoraphobia
, amongst others. I hear what you are saying about the additional therapy I will need on my part which I am more than happy to get to cope. Thank you again and I hope this gives you a more comprehensive view to base your sage advice.