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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I was sexually abused at 11 or 12 by my brother and i was

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i was sexually abused at 11 or 12 by my brother and i was abused again at 15 by a stranger 7 years later i would never accept or like the fact of children being hurt or abused it is sick. but i like reading stories of children being abused i hate myself for it and i wish i didnt enjoy such sick urges i work with children if i seekes professional help would i loose my job
Your interest in reading stories about abuse similar to what you experienced is very likely meeting your need to expose yourself vicariously to the events once again, to try to understand what happened exactly, why it happened, if what you experienced is less traumatic or shocking than what other children experience, etc. You can think about this as an exercise you engage in to try to resolve this history, which nags at you and keeps you entrapped in some ways, emotionally.

Your interest in nappies and being cleaned is similar to what I noted above, because it allows you to fantasize being cared for and loved in a truly caring manner. It represents how you likely intend to treat children you are responsible for in the future ("I will treat them with actual love and caring, and won't abuse them, as I experienced"). And, it represents again, that you do feel somewhat emotionally "stuck" in the past (i.e., beset by thoughts and fantasies about your past).

Unless your therapy is being provided by a mental health or human resources extension of your employment, your treatment records with your psychiatrist/therapist should remain confidential. Your risk of losing your job because you are in therapy are nearly nonexistent, because employers are quite accustomed to having their employees seek mental health services for all manner of problems. And again, they will not know what the problem is you are being treated for.

Hope this answer addresses your questions. Let me know if I overlooked any aspect of your question, please.

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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
hi thanks i could never bring to a child what i have been through, i was reading about a group that could change the way you feel i was thinking of attending one of those, its when i tell them what i am thinking i would be worried about the consequences
Well, the sort of thinking is indeed, something you might not feel comfortable or want to share in a group. If you are referring to a therapy group, you can obtain some emotional support from the telling of it, but probably, the "work" you need to do regarding this issue is most likely occur in a one-on-one situation, with a good therapist who specializes in physical and sexual abuse. What I'm saying is that an individual therapist will be able to help you better identify the emotional and relationship needs you have that are being elicited when you read these stories. These needs of course, are being unconstructively managed right now and the therapist can help you find healthy alternative ways of addressing the needs that are met currently, through the reading of these stories. On the other hand, if this is a sexual abuse group, others have probably had similar experiences with being somewhat attracted to the stories you refer to, and are similarly perplexed about why it could possibly happen. It could be a more helpful forum for discussing this particular problem.

Hope this information helps. Let me know if I've failed to answer your question.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi i am thinking of seeing a doctor i really want this feeling to go away i dnt recieve theropy anymore because i only recieved a limited amount, i have been sacked by my employer because of a simular letter i wrote and other issues of my past that work found out it was intended for my mind only and i would never act on them as it is against my beleif. If i speak to a dr would the police become involved, could i get rid of these feelings, i want to live a normal life with my fioncae i do not like having these sick thoughts.
No the police would never find out about what thoughts you have had in the past. They would only have to report this if they believed you had in fact, raped or molested someone who was underage, or had an imminent intention to do so. Your confidentiality would be protected by the doctor.

I want to strongly encourage you to talk to someone about these problems---get back into therapy PLEASE, because you can obtain some relief from the conflicts you experience inside, the visual images that come to mind that bother you, etc.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

i do want to talk to someone about these problems, i dnt want these feelings in my head, i want to see a theropist who specialises in these situations if i do will it cost anything as i am strugling enough i could not afford a theropist on top. I am ashamed and embarassed at these thoughts do you know what the process is for theropy.

What types of public assistance are you on at this time, e.g., funding of housing, food support? Are you attending college/university at this time? Do you have a substance abuse problem at this time (drugs/alcohol)? Is there a large university near where you live (and if so, which one)?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
no i'm applying for job seekers allowance but hope to be employed before i need that. other than that nothing at all
Universities/colleges sometimes have training clinics associated with their social work or psychology professional programs and offer low cost services, based on ability to pay. Also, I would attempt to speak to the receptionist at any of the local mental health clinics or social service agencies in your locale and explain that you need to see a counselor that specializes in sexual abuse trauma in adults and you are presently unemployed---"what advice or direction can you offer me"?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
theres a sexual abuse place i know, if i speak to a counciler there and talk about my thoughts that has been in my head would he/she be able to give me treatment so i no longer have those thoughts.
This EXACTLY the place you should go first. Your therapy is going to take some time---several months or longer. This isn't something that you can recover from in a few days. Treatment can be very effective however and may involve individual and group counseling. The group counseling will be a very helpful and eye-opening experience for you because for the first time, you will be able to interact with women who have had very similar experiences you have had. The feeling of being "alone" with your suffering will be eased considerably by group counseling and you will feel tremendous social support for the first time. So talk to the intake worker or the person who interviews you initially, about individual and group counseling. You can also ask them about free sexual abuse support groups in your locale as well.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

hi i noticed you said i will meet women i am actually male so would i get the same support as a female

I'm sorry, I have been dealing with another individual on this site with an abuse history who is female. Support services for sexually abused men are fewer, as far fewer males seek individual or group counseling. But here again, individual therapy for you should be extremely helpful, and support groups for men are also available. There should be no difference in the quality of services----the support groups or group psychotherapy opportunities are far fewer in number, however.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi i have spoken to a dr and i was refered to another dr who specialises in this area and is a gp i had an appointment last thursday my next appointment is next week i have been talking to her about his but she said we have only just scratched the surface, I know talking helps but as i am getting help what will happen in these sessions after explaining everything i am anxiouse to find out because i just want to move on but i can't seem to i know that in some therapies they give you practices to do like in anger management theres a stressball i seen on the internet that it's like theropy for alcoholics but i'm not sure what that theropy is. Is that true i asked a dr this question but they said i'm better off speaking to a psychologist.
You should ask for a referral to a clinical or counseling psychologist with expertise in sexual abuse. A general practitioner physician won't really know what to do except prescribe medication for your anxiety and depression. You would do will to ask for someone with expertise in this area and cognitive-behavioral therapy. If you want to know more about the general model of cognitive behavioral therapy, you can go this site and watch this video. It involves the author of the therapy Aaron T. Beck, M.D. The video takes over an hour to get through but he will give you a pretty good idea of the general model of the treatment; it is a little dry and academic---designed for practitioners to view:

You can also Google the topic (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and read more about it and see some short video clips on youtube about it. There are often 'homework' assignments you are invited to carry out during the course of the therapy.

Let me know how this works out for you.