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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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I think I suffer from certain aspects of the narcisistic

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Hi, good evening, I think I suffer from certain aspects of the narcisistic personality disorder, I am very choosy with the people I like to be. I am highly critical of their physical appearances and their style if they do not conform to my idea of beauty that is very related to who I am, what I like and to my father in particular. I think I am aloof and can be arrogant although I later feel very afraid that people won't like me because of the way I am. I try to be nice to people, but find it very difficult if as I said, if they aren't similar to me. I come from an unconventional family and felt neglected as a child and still feel that way with my mother. What can I do to accept people as they are and be happy with them? I know I won't like everyone, but I'd like to be happier with people and find love instead of disappoinment. I've been in therapy for long time and have made quite a lot of progress, however, I still struggle a lot with this issue. In terms of the kind of guys I like, they seem to be corky and tough, and a arrogant too. Also druggie looking.
Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

There is a great book by Elan Golomb called Trapped in The Mirror: Adult Children of NPDs that I think you'll find very helpful. A psychologist examines her own NPD traits and those of the people she's befriended over the years as case histories in order to find ways of interacting differently and becoming happier. Reading through those stories might give you some inner narratives that can guide you as you try to re-adjust your thinking and to accept others.

One of the biggest traits of people in your situation is they feel safer recreating defeating relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable to them. You don't have to like everyone, but you can learn to tolerate the intimacy that comes from boundaried relationships with people capable of loving you for who you are. From there it swings back and forth as gains are made....nicer people like you and you feel more likable and pick at their faults less, as well as finding people with less faults.

You're doing the right things: counseling and reading and reparenting. I would suggest you look at the traits of your original family and how they may mirror yourself and your typical choices of acquaintances. You can usually get lots of bang for your buck by changing those thoughts and beliefs, which will translate into different behavior.

When you're neglected as a child, you grow up to be angry and afraid. Arrogance is usually a protective shell from that pain. Walk through the pain and then learn practical steps like through the book I mentioned and you'll have a good start on being different. Kindness is a skill that you can learn and'll change your relationships and your inner world.

My best to you.

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