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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I am obsessing over my ex husband. After we were married

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I am obsessing over my ex husband. After we were married for 28 years, I heard him on the phone saying (name) was his girlfriend. Needless to say, I was devastated. I stayed at home for a while trying to work it out, without any help from him. About a month later I moved out and applied for a divorce. I dragged the divorce out for 1 1/2 years, hating to give up on our marriage. Then one day he came to me and said he wanted to try to work things out. We moved back in together and almost immediately I realized he was still in touch with her. I thought maybe he needed time to work through it. 2 years later, I woke up and thought to myself, "Only God knows how much longer I have to live" Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? Hell no, was my answer to myself. 2 mos later we were divorced. We've been divorced for a little over a year now. I recently found out, through family that he has a girlfriend. I realize he has a right to do what ever he wants to do. I'm just obsessing about him and realize I need help. I just have not been able to find a therapist that deals with this in my area. I just turned 67. I am attractive, outgoing, friendly and well liked by people I meet. Irene P.S. My ex was married 3 times before I married him. I thought he just needed a good woman, and I knew I was a good woman. Help
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 6 years ago.
Hello and Welcome to JustAnswer. Your question is not closed until you are satisfied. I am happy to assist you with your question.

Your behavior sounds more like codependency than an obsessive disorder. May I suggest to you that you that your obsession is about the loss of the fantasy of having a man who is faithful and treats you well, not necessarily him personally? He cheated on you and he will continue to cheat because when he is dissatisfied with his relationship he turns to someone else. He has very poor coping skills.

Make a list of all the reasons why you decided to go through with the divorce. Then when you find yourself wondering what he is doing, who he is with, etc, take out that list and go over it. Remind yourself that even though he may have wonderful qualities, he is a cheater, and that trumps all other issues. You know you cannot be happy with a cheater. If it is a question that you think he is treating her better than he ever treated you, that is absolutely not true. He is the same no matter the relationship. Men like him do not change no matter how well the woman treats him, or how good a women she is.

Keep up with your social activities, and try volunteering. You might also wish to try online dating. It will build your confidence, and you have total control over who you talk to and who you decide to meet. I recommend or, because they are both scientifically researched.

Get out there and live your life. Don't allow your ex husband to rent space in your brain. You deserve better. I wish you well.
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