Hi there, thanks for your question and well done for seeking extra help. I sincerely ***** ***** is the information you need in order to be able to move on in your life.
You have experienced a huge trauma through the loss of your previous boyfriend, losing also the future together that you never had, but that you had been crying for, for so long. During such times of high emotion, the subconscious mind can absorb beliefs about ourself and the world, which although we may be unaware of, they have a very powerful effect on our life, making what we see very distorted. It isn't useful for me to guess what your subconscious beliefs may be as a result of your experiences, but they can make you feel bad about everything that happens to you from that day forward, perhaps, for example, you feel that you don't deserve happiness, or that you are responsible for the death. These strong beliefs alter the way in which you see and therefore experience the world, bringing about the guilt and the feelings of worthlessness and misery that you have. Any evidence that contradicts your subconscious beliefs ( eg your boyfriend says he loves you or people tell you that it wasn't your fault) falls on deaf ears, because the belief opposing it is too strong.
The good news is that you can have therapy to identify and release the subconscious beliefs, so that you can 'see' the world for what it is, without the distortions. There is no-one to blame for these beliefs, they are the subconscious mind's way of protecting the self. It could be that your subconscious mind is afraid of being so close to someone else because of the risk of losing them. The subconscious mind may prefer you to stay single as it is less risky. But you do not have to keep these beliefs and I strongly recommend that you find yourself an EMDR therapist, who uses Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing to guide you through the process of letting this go. It is an emotional therapy, in that you re-visit where the stress
is coming from, but hopefully for the very last time. The memories ( which if they are 'stuck' can often be recalled as if they were yesterday even though they could be many years ago) are then allowed to step back in time because the emotions and beliefs attached to them are let go. Have a look on the website www.emdr.com for more information and for a therapist local to you. EMDR is the therapy recommended for treating trauma all around the world and I wish you the very best with your new fiancé; EMDR could allow you to have the future you deserve. Look after yourself, you deserve to be happy.