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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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My 31 year old daughter seems to hate and disrespect me. For

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My 31 year old daughter seems to hate and disrespect me. For almost 15 years she gets angry and mean for very little reason. Today was the last straw. We had plans to take my 3 year old granddaughter to the movie. I left the house to go get medicine for the 10 month old who is teething and when I came out to my car it wouldn't start. My daughter starting yelling at me when I called her saying that with me it is always something. I hung up the phone because she was yelling.
when she called back she was saying ,,
f you, you MFer to me....horrible....I became so upset I hung up on her again. this was the worse thing she has ever called me and I just cant take it anymore. She has threatened to keep the children from me in the past, but my son in law said he would never allow that. I am good to my daughter...I do everything I can for her. I can't take this verbal and emotional abuse any more. what should I do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Tamara replied 7 years ago.
Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today.

I'm sorry that you are having these problems with your daughter. I'm sure this situation has been very painful for you. It sounds like your daughter is having some anger issues that, for some reason, seem to be taken out primarily on you. Your daughter has some issues to work through, and there is no way you can do that for her. All you can do is learn how to set appropriate boundaries with her, and do your best to not let her mean comments get to you. I know this is easier said than done, but it is crucial that you not interact with her when she is acting this way. Hopefully, over time, she will begin to change her behavior when she realizes she isn't getting a reaction from you anymore. So whenever she starts yelling at you, or otherwise being insulting or mean, calmly tell her that you aren't going to interact with her when she is acting like that, and that you will talk to her later. Then hang up the phone, or leave. Don't try to convince her anymore that she shouldn't treat you that way - just don't allow it. Period. If she is truly interested in calmly discussing her issues with you, then by all means do so. But it sounds like you have apologized and explained and that she is still insisting on being mean to you. So don't interact with her at this level, and then at least you won't be getting upset also.

Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thanks Tamara,
Can I ask you something further? I have been living at my daughter's house helping her out. My husband (her stepfather) has had it with the treatment I have had from her. He is insisting that I come home immediately so as not to expose myself to this treatment. I had plans already to go home for a few days, but thought instead of just leaving my daughter and husband hanging (I have actually been paid to do childcare for them as I was unemployed looking for a job at the time the baby was born and they asked me to come stay with them until the baby was a few months old. My question is, should I just give them notice for 30 days? Even though my daughter is mean sometimes, I like to do the right thing and I feel my husband should let me give them notice, How should I handle this with my husband? He already dislikes my daughter because of her treatment of me, but I dont want to make things worse.
Expert:  Tamara replied 7 years ago.
I certainly can understand that your husband is feeling protective of you - as he should be. But this situation is one of those that I mentioned above, and is a perfect place to work on setting those boundaries on her behavior. Sit your daughter (and her husband) down and tell them that you are tired of how she treats you. You don't need to try to ask her why she does it, or otherwise debate it (she will try to justify her behavior). Simply tell them that if she acts like that again that you will leave. Period. And be prepared to follow through, because I suspect you will have to. I don't think there is any need to give notice, as this is about setting boundaries on how you will be treated - which has nothing to do with giving notice. Show your husband my answer, and see if you can get him to accept that. In actuality, he will be getting what he wants if you do it this way - you will be leaving there if she does it even one more time. If she doesn't (which I wouldn't count on at this point in time) then you will be home. After you leave (which you will) don't go back until your daughter is able to treat you decently in your other interactions with her. If she can't do that, then that's her loss - of a babysitter and a mother. Those are exactly the kinds of consequences you need to allow to happen. If you're always there when she treats you bad, she has no reason to change. Good luck. Tamara