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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I have been married for 12 years. My husband is 15 years

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I have been married for 12 years. My husband is 15 years older and we got married when I was 20 and he was 36. We dated for less than a year before we got married and he was recently divorced (less than 3 years). I have done my best with the marriage but I feel like he has always been emotionally detached from me. I feel like I might have married him out of sympathy and not love. Do you think this is possible? We are separated and talking about divorce. Also, in the last 3 years I have been seeing someone else. I truly feel like I love this person- a feeling I never had for my husband. Do you think I am doing the right thing by persuing this relationship or should I continue to hope love starts to grow between my husband and I?
It is clear that you have been lonely in your marriage and that you do not feel emotional intimacy from your husband. This creates a fertile place for an affair to grow and that is what has happened. The problem is that you have conflicted feelings, not sure if you should pursue the relationship with your friend.

When you are married and having an affair it is too easy to see your husband in a negative light while seeing your lover in a positive light. You need time and distance to see each of them as they truly are.

Sorry I can't tell you to pursue the relationship with your friend until you have tried couples therapy with your husband. If that fails, then get the divorce and get to know your lover all over again, warts and all. It is a mistake to go directly from one man to another. You need some time and space between them.

Let me know if you have further questions. I wish you well.
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