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Ask Carol Kryder LMFT Your Own Question
Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 months.

Customer Question

Hi, i have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 months. We met up again after 20 years at the minesite where i work. He had been seeing another woman for 5 years and her and her 2 children lived with him in his house. When i ran into him again, he told me he had fallen in love with me 20 years before and that he wasn't going to lose me again this time. 20 years ago i was working in a pub and he used to come in with his friends. He used to ask me out but i always refused as he was 10 years older than me - 29 years and seemed to always be surrounded by gorgeous women. In the end i gave in and attended a party with him. i ended up spending the weekend with him and it was wonderful. However he was due to go to New Zealand on the Monday and before he returned 9 months later i was living in Queensland. Unbenownst to me at the time, he tried to find me without success.
I know it sounds wonderful and he is wonderful however i sometimes feel unsure for the following reasons. He didn't really know me after not seeing each other for 20 years however was prepared to walk away from his relationship to be with me. I felt a bit uncomfortable with this as i didn't know if it would work out or not. I subsequently found out from him that his girlfriend had been seeing another guy behind his back as he works away alot.
Also, he makes a point of telling me he does not get jealous and is friend's with all his exes. The thing i find strange about this is that he has also told me that all his exes have cheated on him. He gives the reason that it's because he worked away and they got lonely. I questioned why he would continue to go out with them and he said it was better than coming home to an empty house. I find this unusual however accept that we are all different and a product of our own experiences.
I do wonder whether if you accept your partners cheating, that you would do it yourself? The reason i am worried is that he seems to avoid sex with me. There is always an excuse too tired, that he has always had a problem orgasming etc. I do know he is taking cialis. However we have been on holidays for 2 weeks at home and only had sex once and that was actually me going down on him. It feels more like mutual masturbation rather than sex. And then i discover that he has been regularly watching porn on the internet when i go out in the day and has no trouble orgasming. This is creating big problems and i have been terrible to him in my accusations. I feel dreadful at some of my outbursts but i am so confused as right from the start he seems to avoid sexual penetration with me.
I did question whether he had been with a guy and he said that once at a party, when he was around 40 years old, (he's now 50)this guy grabbed him on the crotch and they ended up together. He then caught up with this guy again 2 weeks later. I asked him whether he had sex with the guy and he said no, they just gave each other head jobs. I then asked him whether they kissed and he said they did. I had a real problem with this as i see kissing as very intimate. I also asked whether he'd do it again and he said only if i was there. We did not discuss it again for a while but it kept bothering me so i brought it up again in a non-accusatory manner as i was concerned he may be bi sexual. He explained that the reason he went back the second time was that he was really drunk the first time and thought he might have missed something. He also explained to me that the majority of threesomes he has had have been 2 guys and one girl.
i really don't think he is gay but i do think he may have a problem with his sexuality. He is a very good looking man with a fantastic body. He is also very extroverted and women love him. But i did a terrible thing and snooped at the porn he had been looking at and it is mainly 2 guys having hard sex with one woman.
I'm not a prude however i haven't had the sexual experiences that he has had. I was with a woman once when i was about 30 years old. it was ok but never interested me enough to go back again.
My boyfriend tells me that i am putting him off sex as i keep coming up with crazy accusations and he really doesn't want sex with me when we've been fighting. I can understand this however he has seemed to avoid penetration from the start. As i previously stated, i work away on a mine site so am away for one week and then home for a week. I know when i come home that i am hanging to have sex with him as he is a great lover however quite often we will not have sex for at least three days after i come home and it feels like the only reason his is doing it is because i keep bringing it up.
I feel like i am been torn up inside as it does nothing for your confidence when your partner does not seem to desire you.
Is what i'm feeling normal or am i overreacting?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 7 years ago.
I can see how distressing this is for you and it should be. You have two different ideas of what is satisfying sexually. To answer your question, "yes" your response is normal.

The problem is that logic and being "right" will not change his behavior. Your choices are to accept him as he is, or leave the relationship. You have already tried talking to him about it,and there has been no change. He obviously is happy with the way things are.

You can ask him to go to counseling with you to work on this, but if he refuses, you are back where you were before. Nagging at him will only make things worse.

I am sorry to be so discouraging, but we cannot change other people unless they want to change. I wish you the very best. Please let me know if you have further questions.

Warm regards,