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My wife and I have been married for 8 years. for the past 3…

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My wife and I have...
My wife and I have been married for 8 years. for the past 3 years she has said that she loves me, but is not "in love" with me. I recently discovered that the reason she feels she is not "in love" is because she doesn't want to have sex with me. She says that she usually enjoys sex when we do have it, but doesn't ever want it. She says that she is very attracted to me, but never wants to "rip off my clothes and have sex."
I think that there are many reasons this could be. She was engaged and her fiance died. We were together 3 months later and married within a year. She never got over him and said the first time we had sex she felt like she was cheating on him. Our financial situation is not a good one and our lives haven't been good for a while. She has been diagnosed with depression, but will not take antidepressants. I think that all these things added up won't allow her to see that she is in love with me. She agrees.
Our sex life has never been great (or really even good).
Recently we had decided to separate. The first night of separation she had sex with one of my friends. She said it was aweful and she stopped while it was going on. (She had only had sex with me and her ex before that). I obviously have issues now (she accidentally called me while having sex with him.)
I'm not sure what to do, but I think that we need help from a sex therapist/marriage couselor. The lady we were seeing was more an individual counselor and we both agreed not to see her anymore because she was very negative about us staying together (which we would like to do, under different circumstances obviously.)
Please help. Can you recommend a therapist in northern california. I live in Antioch, CA 94509
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 1 hour by:
6/29/2010
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
Selah R, M.S. LPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
Verified
I would highly recommend a marriage counselor trained in the Gottman method. They not only work on the marriage issues, but they also look for individual issues that need to be addressed, because it takes two strong individuals to make a strong marriage. They are solution focused, and they will be more likely to help you move past this rather than just wanting you to separate.

Here is a link to a list of certified Gottman therapists in your area:
http://gottman.com/dl/FindATherapist.html?dis=50&zip=94509&country=225&npp=36&so=:-1:16:-1

Best wishes,
Selah
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I know that you don't know us or talked to us, but I am curious what your first instincts are. Do you think that I have valid points about depression and other things possibly not allowing her to feel "in love" or am I just grasping at straws.

Thanks

Matt
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
depression can cause sexual issues in a marriage. Usually it decreases interest and pleasure. Sometimes people can use sex outside of the marriage as a drug, hoping that it will give them an emotional and chemical high so they feel normal just for a little bit. It could also be that she's never really gotten over the trauma of losing her fiance, and that she withholds sex from you because that would make you too emotionally important in her life, and she doesn't want to lose something that important again.

Those are the things that jump out at me, but there might be more in her past that also adding to this mix (childhood trauma, abandonment issues, low self-esteem, etc.).

Selah
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Do you think a sex therapist would be helpful?
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
I think I'd start with the Gottman or marriage counselor first to rule out other issues because a majority of the time a sexual problem is a symptom of something else. They should be able to tell you in a few session if they think a sex therapist would be more qualified to handle the situation. And they may have some work they need to do first before sex therapy will really be effective.

Selah
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