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My husband is addicted to porn. What must i do?

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My husband is addicted to porn. What must i do?
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 12 minutes by:
6/28/2010
Mental Health Professional: Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA replied 8 years ago
Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,568
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Verified

Hello and thanks for visiting JA.

If y you found a quantity of porn on his computer or elsewhere is not a sign that he is addicted to it – it is only a sign that he looks at it and most probably, uses it as an aid to masturbation. This is not about you not being woman enough, sexual enough or attractive enough

Provided it is not obsessive and is not replacing normal sex, it is far from unusual – many many happily married men do the same.

If he is insisting on spending a lot of time alone with the computer, not showing any sexual interest in you, staying up late and on line frequently, showing signs of irritability, guilt or shame, lying to you frequently, I would be worried.

Part of the problem is that women and men are sexually stimulated quite differently.

The main sexual stimulus for men is visual – that’s why the porn industry exists – and in addition the act of sex itself does not (for many men) have the connotations of commitment, attachment and love that it does for most women.

There is some excellent information and support here:

http://www.throughtheflame.org/

and here:

http://pornaddictioninfo.com/

If you feel that this is too much for you to handle, you can ask him to totally change his ways – but it is going to be an uphill struggle.


Firstly, he might agree to put some site blocking software on every computer in the house. Just google “ porn blocker” to get the names of some programs. If he does agree, get someone else to instal it is so that he does not know the password, and therefore cannot circumvent it.

Secondly he might possible agree to therapy, but given his response so far, I would doubt it.

In the final analysis, if you simply cannot accept that he does use porn, and he will not accept your or someone else’s help to deal with it, perhaps ending the relationship is the only answer, sadly.

However, before you make any final decisions, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. Not that I think that there is anything wrong with you, but it would help to clarifiy your thinking and help you to come to the best decisions for your future.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm




Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,568
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Verified
Norman M. and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
My husband spent all of his time infront of the computer. When he is done at about 3am in the morning he want to have sex with me. And then I get Angry then we fight. He use the porn girls organs (eg. boobs, vaginas) and paste them on my fotos. Is that normal or what? It hurts me alot. And he knows that but still does it. Am I the one with the problem?
Mental Health Professional: Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA replied 8 years ago
Thank you for your acceptance.

No - I would say that this is abnormal behavior, and I can understand why you feel bad about it.

Time, perhaps to give him a final warning, get help, or quit, or get out?
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