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Ok. I"m in a crisis right now. I am moving to Dallas on

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Ok. I"m in a...
Ok. I"m in a crisis right now. I am moving to Dallas on Monday and my husband is now deciding he wants me to choose. He sent me the following email on today.
Why are you making this so difficult? How do you plan for us to be in the girl's lives? I know you understand that Jaz & Brittney are our family. I want us to be in their lives, live near them so we can see them daily. There really are no options for this to happen. You act like I’m so unreasonable, have you thought about the fact that I left my family for you and you only? Apparently that didn’t mean anything to you, I had planned to go with you to get things set up in Dallas, however I need to know your plans for getting back to Memphis. I've been away for 5 1/2 years now and you are not even trying to get back for our family (Jaz&Britt) this is unacceptable to me! I've been a great husband to you and have followed you and your career, I don't deserve to be dissed the way that you are doing me and it is certainly obvious that you don't appreciate it. Whether you realize it or not, you are about to lose a good man, I think that you take me for granted. I've cried out for help from you...no response...I don't know what else to do. Please take this as a notice; I NEED YOUR HELP WITH GETTING BACK TO THE GIRLS, if this is not important to you, please disregard me and my request. I fell in love with you and went with my heart, not realizing that your career was more important to you than me and the girls.
If all of what I’m saying is meaningless to you, then let me know today, and we will separate starting Monday. You will be free to move on without me in your life. I will move back to Memphis next week and be with the girls. Make your decision today...I can't wait any longer...Jaz is going to college and there will be unexpected expenses that are going to occur, I don’t want to be arguing with you about this, Britt is going to 4th grade and I’m going to be there to raise her hopefully with you, but if not with you, I’ve got to be there anyway. I want you there, but if that is not in your plans...please let me know today...this is important. What is your timeline/plan? It's tough leaving Brittney to get back on a 7 hour trip back home and she's pulling on me begging me not to leave every time, and then I have to pull off and watch the tears run down her face. By the way I cry every time I leave her as well, I’m sure you didn’t know that. I married you thinking that we were going to be gone for 2 yrs and then back to Memphis and back to Bountiful, guess I was wrong. When we got married did you think that I was leaving the girls forever and just have occasional visits? Don’t drag this out lets come to an agreement today between us, I know you like a lot of time to figure things out, but we've had the time needed. It has to happen today either way I’m tired.
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 3 hours by:
6/25/2010
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
Selah R, M.S. LPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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I think maybe we need more background. Why are you divorcing? What does he mean he's been away from them for 5.5 years? Is he moving back toward the kids in order to try to get you to stay with him?
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Ok Here is somebackground on us

Me: 41 yr old, married at 36 years old. 1st marriage for me. No kids, Govt employee since 18 years old, BA degree in Criminal Justice, currently Regional Supervisor for Govt.

Him: 41 yr old, 1st marriage at 18, divorced his wife at 33 years old, married me in 2005, two daughters, Associates Degree, Currently Project Manager for a construction company

We met at church where he was a muscian and I was in the choir. We started dating and during the time we were dating I received word that my job in Memphis would be shutting down and I was going to be transferred. I had no idea where I was going to be transferred so I took a chance and applied for a Manager's position in Dallas, TX to stay sort of centrally located and I got it. Soon after hearing I got the job he proposed to me.

We talked with our pastor and we discussed my job and all it entailed. He's telling our pastor that he supports me in my endeavors. I told him that if we moved to Dallas, there is a two agreement that I have to stay in Dallas two years or I will have to pay the move back (That's where he's confused on 2 years and moving back to Memphis. How can I move back to Memphis when they shut the office down in the first place?)

Well I was told that I did such a good job in Memphis that I was offered another promotion in 2yrs to take a Regional Position in Kansas City, Kansas. I wasn't jumping up and down about moving to Kansas but it was a good career move. He told me tha he know how important this was for me and that he supported me. In Nov 2006, we moved to Kansas and he has hated it from day one. Now his job was so supported of him that they allowed him to be a Field Project Manager in Kansas which required travel but it also required him the flexibility to work at home.

Well during this time we begin to have the bulk of our issues. His mother died in June 2007 and his father died June 2008. I really feel that my husband has not properly grieved his parents loss because that's when things really begin to magnify.

My job is such that I do not have the flexibility that he has as a Field Project Manager to visit Memphis the way he wants me to. He tries to make every engagement that his children has as if he lives in Memphis. He spends at least $500 a trip and sometimes he was making 2 trips a month to try and visit his kids. Then he gets there and sometime they didn't want to see him or he would plan for them to visit us and at the last minute they postpone.

He pays $1100 in Child Support and yet and still he feels that anything they ask for he has to get.

This past August he went in our joint account and took$8000 cash and bought his daughter a car for her 17th birthday without discussing with me first. He does these things without consulting me and yet he wants me to quit my job, try and find another lesser paying job in Memphis (which I have tried but not too many govt jobs and I'm sort of pigeon holed because I only have a specific skill set) but yet he can't pay the bills without my salary.

The children are giving him a guilt trip. The oldest one texts him and tells him things that only an adult could be feeding him, such as "Daddy, you need to move back to Memphis so you can be a father to Brittney. You have been gone long enough and it's time for you to come back and be in our lives/"

Lately our arguments have gotten pretty bad (I don't really argue with him I don't say much at all these days) He say's hurtful things to me and when I bring it up to him he says that he didn't mean and I need to forgive him and move on. Well Im having a tough time moving on. Also whenever we talk and I say something about something he has done he puts it back on what I've done (I've left the house twice and stayed away a couple of nights in the past three months). He told me that he was so mad at me that he was going to put my business on facebook. That was pretty much my last straw. I told him why would you try to hurt me by doing that. That would only make me leave you quicker. He didn't seem to get that he would embarress him, me and his family by doing something so mean.

I know it's a lot but I just wanted a third party to hear me out and get me going in the right direction. My parents are ill and the movers are coming Monday and I"m moving wether he comes or not. He has known about his since the beginning of the year and what I can't understand is why didn't he just leave sooner? He's been threatening to do so for the past 6 months but he won't leave.

I really feel that he wants me to leave so he can play the victim and tell everybody I left him. I don't think he wants people to know that he left his 2nd wife.

He's quick to tell me that I don't understand children because I don't have any and that the kids are his blood. When he says things like that, that lets me know that I'm not really his priority, and his kids are. I understand that, but he can't have it both ways and he doesn't get it.

Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
I'm sorry you have been put in the middle. You are probably right that the loss of his parents has created more problems, and may be one of the reasons why he is now overly involved with his kids. I don't know if his kids are being coached in saying these things, or if he's actually made comments that would make them believe that he has this intention.

It's hard to do, but sometimes you have to step out on your own. You already have these plans set up, and your career is important (even if he thinks it's easily replaceable when it's not). Until your husband is willing to enter into couples counseling with you and individual counseling to deal with his grief, you need to make decisions that are healthy to you.

If he has been continually making threats to end the marriage, but hasn't, but continues to push your buttons, then he may be hoping to make you make the hard decision so he doesn't have to. So he can blame the failed marriage on you, instead of owning any responsibility.

Dallas is a big city, he could easily find work, and he could still be within traveling distance to his kids. He has known about the move, you didn't spring this one him. So I'd say, pack up and move and put the ball back into his court. He needs to decide if he wants to come and fight for the relationship, or he needs to admit that he's already given up.

Selah
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