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I have been abstinent for years, mostly due to obesity, so I…

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I have been abstinent for...
I have been abstinent for years, mostly due to obesity, so I wonder what life is worth to me. How and where can I get started again is the question. I have asked about legal prostitution, but not tried it and don't like the idea of it.
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 1 day by:
6/25/2010
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
Selah R, M.S. LPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
Verified
Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.

Obesity is usually a symptom of something else. It's rarely the cause of abstinence all by it's own. Usually there is depression, low self-esteem, abuse issues, social anxiety, or unresolved grief going on.

First of all, there is way more to life than sex. Secondly, you're more likely to find a relationship when you're not worried about sex.

But it does sound like you need to work on your self-esteem and maybe even your social activities. There are so many things that make someone attractive as a partner: humor, intelligence, shared hobbies, shared beliefs/values, shared goals, empathy, willingness to try to new things, ability to listen and understand each other's points of view, etc. The two most pressured things to look at are body and financial/career, but trust me, those two things can change in a heartbeat. The other stuff, the below the surface stuff, is what really determines how well off a couple is going to be.

Can you list good things about yourself? Or has the obesity killed your sense of self-worth. If so, head to counseling. Almost any relationship you try to enter into now will probably be one based on desperation, neediness, and other unhealthy stuff.

Are you putting yourself into social situations? If not, why not? A nice lady isn't going to just show up at the door one day, offering sex and a meaningful relationship. You have to go find her. But you also have to get involved with things that make you happy, and bring you a sense of accomplishment. These two ingredients go a long way towards being attractive in ways that have nothing to do with your trouser size.

Are you taking care of yourself? It's easy to get into a rut of "why bother?" and stop getting your hair cut, shaving, dressing in decent (especially as a person of size, this can be hard to find!) clothes (by that I mean clean and not worn out/holes/rips/permanent stains/etc) and other signs that tell the world that you care about yourself. This can go a long way in boosting your self-esteem, improving your body language, and sending "I'm ok to talk to!" signals to strangers.

I hope that gives you some new things to think about.

P.S. My husband is a big man, and I fell in love with who he is, not what box he came packaged in.

Selah
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Sela, thank you, ***** ***** was not my question.

My question was about sex and how & where to go to have it again when I have been abstinent for a long time?

I know about legalized prostitution, so another possiblilty.

Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
Your first step is to start having a healthy sex life by yourself. You can learn to increase your stamina and decrease any psychological barriers through masturbation. You can also use sex toys that mimic the feel of female genitalia (so many options to choose from online that can be delivered straight to your door). You may also want to research sexual positions that work well for obese men/partners.

After you've reach a comfort level with your ability and stamina, then it's time to find a partner. Legalized prostitution is an option, and could be used as the transition from solo-sex to partnered-sex. You can also research sex clubs in your area to see if there is a group of people that you'd fit in with (whether it's people looking for casual sex, people looking for obese partners, or people into other fetishes/lifestyles that you might want to try).

When you're ready for the more emotionally attached partnered-sex, online dating and dating services are growing in popularity because they help you find people who meet your criteria/preferences faster. There are free options too, like personal ads on Craigs List website, or singles groups run from churches. Getting back into the dating scene is hard enough without the sexual concerns, which is why it's probably best to build the other steps in between where you are now and where you want to get to.

Selah
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Please, turn over the question to a male. Hopefully, he will know more than masturbation.

Customer reply replied 7 years ago

Please, turn over the question to a male. Hopefully, he will know more than masturbation.

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist replied 7 years ago
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,334
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hi! I don't know if I can help but I'll be glad to try. I've read your exchange above and it's not clear what you are asking. You don't want to try using prostitutes but you are looking for how to have sex with a woman. Correct?


That implies dating. Those are the two options. Selah was hinting at this in her replies. Is there some other option than dating you are trying to find?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

Please go ahead and post your response. I'm going to be going into session with therapy clients soon, so if I can't answer before that, would later in the day be okay for me to respond?

Dr. Mark

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

I have been abstinent for years, mostly due to obesity, so I wonder what life is worth to me. How and where can I get started again is the question. I have asked about legal prostitution, but not tried it and don't like the idea of it.

Yes, I only want sex with women. Hookers are gross, so only a last resort.

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist replied 7 years ago
Hi, the system somehow didn't alert me that you had replied. Maybe because it's a long thread, but I don't really know. I found it while doing a manual review of my questions. So I apologize for the wait.

You are confronting a societal situation you can't win against. It's worse for women then men, but you are obese and obesity in our society even in men is considered a "turn off" sexually. It was not even a couple of hundred years ago. That's why old paintings have bigger women and men, even obese. It was considered attractive until more recently.

So you are caught. Sex happens when the two people want something, either the other person or money or prestige or something. A famous opera singer who is fat can get women to have sex without paying if they are opera fans. But you're not in that situation.

So, I have no magic solution. If you are looking for a wife, life-mate, women who are no longer young are often willing to marry outside the societal norm of attractive appearance to find a mate. But they are not going to be hot looking women. They are looking for love, companionship, emotional fulfillment, etc. That's not what you're looking for.

So all that is said to help you in deciding whether you want to lose weight and try to attract a woman sexually, which is not your ideal solution or pay a woman which is not your ideal solution. But banging your head against the societal wall wanting someone without paying or losing weight is not a winning strategy.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

All original, you must be the Experet alright.

I discovered more yesterday while browsing online than you could in a fort-night.

-RK

Mental Health Professional: Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA replied 7 years ago
Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,568
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Verified
In this situation,on the face of things, you have 3 choices. Work on getting into a relationship. Engage the services of a prostitute. Search online for someone who wants an obese partner.

You already know that I think, and perhaps have trouble accepting it, but to be honest, that is the bot***** *****ne. Perhaps you could tell me what your take is on the advice given so far by my colleagues - we really would like you to get the answer you need, and hearing a bit more about your own perspective might help.

NormanM
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

I get better answers from the guy in the mirror, but I am not giving them for you to learn from me.

Real answers to real problems is what I am well known for and what I came to you for, so maybe I'm wrong for expecting so much from you all (not meant to sound condescending).

Mental Health Professional: Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA replied 7 years ago
That's exactly whatI was asking you. What do YOU see as a possible solution?
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