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I have learned a lot about relationships with men and how I…

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I have learned a lot...
I have learned a lot about relationships with men and how I don't want to be involved unless I am in a good place in my own life and confident. The times when I wanted a man to rescue me or fill in any holes was always wrong. This year I feel good with myself most of the time and I have a male friend who I didn't have any obsessions about but years prior I had terrible obsessions for men. I have a phobia about going to school or work and messing up because of a man I likebeing there. If I decide I don't want to be close to anyone in school or work can I be sure to avoid this from happening? Is there ever anything hormonal or mental that would make this uncontrollable. I want to trust that I have the ability to keep this obsession stuff from ruining my successes. How can I be sure it won't happen? I can't invest in school and mess up or go from job to job every time this happens. What are some ways to be sure this won't happen. Techniques to use. Can your body and mind really ever not be able to handle these things and is it all in my head an irrational fear.? I absolutely can't have an issue like this I want to soar in my goals without anybody stopping me. sometimes I wonder if I have a hormonal imbalance but I don't think I'm any different I thing because it happened before where I got out of control when my life was not stable I fear it will happen again. I didn't care before but I care now.
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 9 hours by:
6/22/2010
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
Verified

Good Evening,

Would you please share -

What was the cause for the instability before? What do you take the medication for?

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I used to obsess and get emotionally attatched to men after we had sex. Now after having had 2 men to be around only as friends I learned how to restrain myself from wanting more and my obsessions lessened. I thought the cause was hormones but now I think I just sabataged all my relationships by having sex too soon and not really knowing them well enough. I'm not sure why I always thought I couldn't be around guys I was attracted to but it seems like something strange. I was either under a lot of stress or not happy with myself. Everyone should have control over how they feel about a man I can't figure why I had the idea that I couldn't for so many years. I might never understand it. I take medication for Ocd. I'm starting to think I just obsess over things that don't go the way I want them to. I obsess over men I can't have or even ones I know I'm not good enough for and I obsess about other things in my life like how to get a skill the way I want to or if difficult things happen I obsess on how to create them differently.I've been on social sec for 10 years and I have a chance to get healthy naturally without meds but I'm afraid of working so I obsess about getting a skill and how I will work and go to school I self sabatage everything. I want to work but I can't just get a job I will have to go to school and work hard to get to where I want to go. I'm 36 and it's like I'm getting a second chance to do life but I felt it was too hard the first time and now it still feels that way.
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago

Thank you for clarifying.

Whatever may caused those things in the past, is in the past. It seems that you are aware of the behavior and that you want to change it. It is possible that you had had the intimate part of the relationship earlier.

Sometimes people do this, because they think that is how they express and receive love.

It is possible for the behavior to have been learned long time ago. You may want to think back and see if there was someone whether family, first love, role model, etc. that you have held special in your life that may have not paid enough attention to you. It may be a case where later on, you subconsciously are trying to correct that by doing the things that you are regretting now.

Its more important to focus on the present time. Some things to do to help yourself would be: make an inventory of how you would like to respond instead, imagine it and write it in detail. Hold that idea in your mind as often as possible.

If you are interested in someone romantically, make a contract with yourself that you would be intimate only when your mind tells you it is ok to do not your emotions. You can start by setting the goal about a time frame that you are comfortable with.

Most importantly, when men take advantage of a situation, it shows you that they do not respect you. Engage in some soul searching as to why you may have attracted these sort of men. Do they remind you of someone? Do they provide physical intimacy but not emotional one (is it possible you fear emotional closeness, and issue of self esteem, etc)

Self hypnosis or working with someone face to face can also assist with this. The brain can be retrained to act differently (you are the one in charge)

Attached is some info on self hypnosis/autosuggestion and neuroplasticity

Bibliotherapy

If It's Love You Want, Why Settle for (Just) Sex?: The 10 Most Common Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them by Laurie Langford (Paperback - May 7, 1997)

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