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I feel that my husband of 39 years of marriage has been

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emotionally, and verbally abusive to...
I feel that my husband of 39 years of marriage has been emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. I filed for a divorce at 20 years and he begged me to drop it that he would change. I dropped it and lost my power or what seemed like I swept it under the rug. Prior to my filing years before he had an affair at his business and all the stuff that went along with it. We have to grown children, one daughter and a son. I was Mother and Father to them doing the best I could because my husband learned from his Father that his Mother did everything. So I fell in that mindset, and thought that all marriages were like mine so disfunctional. I am from a family where life was focused on love and an open door to all our friends and where our cousins lived in three houses right next to each other. I had 3 older brothers and one older sister and a younger sister. So, my husband and I are totally opposite. My daughter has a precious baby 23months old. In front of him she called me psyc& he rep
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 14 hours by:
6/15/2010
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
Selah R, M.S. LPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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I think part of your question got cut off. Can you read over it and see if there is additional important information we're missing?
Thanks,
Selah
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
What are your thoughts and advice on my situation
Mental Health Professional: Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist replied 8 years ago
If your husband is refusing to change and is either not attending counseling or "just showing up to counseling" but not doing any counseling work, then it's time for you to consider a separation. He may believe that he has you so worn down and defendant on him that you'll never be brave enough to make him leave. That may work as a wake up call for him, or it may give him the "out" that he's been looking for.

But your children are grown, there is no need to stay married for their sake. If you husband can't treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve on a regular basis, then staying there is only harming yourself. Divorce is not an easy decision, it is not an easy process, but sometimes it it the healthiest and sanest decision.

Keep working with a counselor to help yourself get through this. As your counselor to help you find a grief support group so you can hear from others who are making this decision and those who have survived making this decision. Sometimes a group setting helps more than individual counseling because we can hear other people's points of view. And sometimes we find ourselves giving support or advice that we really resonate with because we deserve to be giving it to ourselves.

But your husband has taken all of the power and control, and probably feels no pressure to change because you're still there, taking it. Even if you want to keep the marriage (financial, religious, societal reasons), he needs to feel pressure to change.

For couples who are having this level of difficulty, I highly recommend working with a Gottman trained therapist (Gottman.com lists providers). They are highly trained in conflict resolution, but also in quickly identifying the strengths and weaknesses of a marriage, and looking for signs that a marriage is close to or has already become unfixable.

Hope that helps. It's not an easy road ahead of you. You either leave and learn how to be single again, or you stay and keep taking it and become more depressed and have lower-self esteem, or you stay in the marriage and fight hard to make him wake up.

Selah
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