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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience:  Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
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I am wondering whether or not I can be monoganistic. It is

Resolved Question:

I am wondering whether or not I can be monoganistic. It is not like I crave sex with other women other than my wife but I don't refuse it. Sometimes I seek it out but most of the other times I am pursued and can't say no. My wife and I have had a rocky marriage for the last 10 years (since she had breast cancer). But before then it wasn't all honey & roses. She took to calling me "a...hole" early in our marriage and would not let up on that moniker even in front of our children or friends. I wasn't a bar fly. I would come home after work and work around the house or go to the kids' sporting events. It was when I did something that she didn't like or agree with or when I made a mistake...everyone does. Well, I got caught in an outside relationship and have apologized and asked for forgiveness, but she continually pounds me about the minute details and brings it up in front of friends to the point that I know it will never be let go of. How should I proceed with my wife?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 7 years ago.

Good morning.

I regret that the term "monoganistic" escapes me. It is not one used in the mental health profession... but I see it frequently used in place of monogamistic (meaning, being wed or mated to just one person). If you mean monogamistic, well, you *are* wed to just one person, but it sounds like you're "mating" with more than one, yes?

What your question begs, I believe, is the question... "Do I *want* to be married to this woman?" Your behavior with other woman suggests that there are problems at home in your relationship, as does your wife's behavior toward you.

The best way for you to begin to answer this question is, I believe, through individual counseling (if you're not ready to pursue this with you wife) or ideally couples counseling (if you're both looking to improve your relationship). A licensed mental health professional (LMHP) would be able to provide this kind of work with you - emphasizing communication skills as well as clarifying your needs as an individual and your wife's needs (if you pursue couples work). When interviewing a potential LMHP for work, I would ascertain if the therapist has experience working with couples - as this will be crucial to your outcome.

By the way, this does not sound like a "mental disorder," but more like an adjustment disorder. You both have adjusted poorly to some aspects of marriage and, I suspect, to your wife's recent brush with cancer and recovery. A LMHP may discover other issues during therapy, but I don't think you have to worry, at this point, about putting out a second mortgage on the house just for therapy. Find someone you like - and try 6-8 sessions... see what you learn about yourself and about your couplehood. You may find you need additional weekly sessions, or that you can reduce to monthly "check-ins," or terminate altogether. Many people find that even brief contact with an objective viewpoint can help to clarify questions which seem cloudy right now.

I hope you find this helpful. Best of luck to you.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Dr. Bowden, you were right in the correct spelling of the word. I am going to seek professional help, as you suggested. It is just that my wife has been this way since day one as far as her verbal abuse of me goes. She's good at it and I just can't nor want to compete. I don't know if she is capable of changing, based on 36 years. Thank you for your answer.
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 7 years ago.
Thanks. Please press ACCEPT.
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