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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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My daughter is 14 and we left her at home for an hour and

Resolved Question:

My daughter is 14 and we left her at home for an hour and realized she took the car and drove it . She finally admitted it for a lesser punishment. what do i do. she is dying to drive because her brother is 16 and learning. she is also starting to get in trouble in school with teachers, being disrespectful. she has a lot going for her . she is in 9th grade and is on 3 sports teams and very athletic. she has so much going for her. she has alot of talents and can be a very compassionate person, but the other side is very defiant, and she is a very good liar and manipulates us and her teachers. what do i do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good Morning,

She is 14 and you are the adult. You would want to set limits with her and follow through with consequences when she breaks your rules. She should not be able to "manipulate" you. This happens only when both parents are not on the same page with each other in regard to how to parent her and consequent her.

It is understandable that she would want to learn how to drive; she's jealous of her brother. Try to find something else to involve her time in whether it is sports, dance, hobbies, other age appropriate activities and let hear earn privileges for good behavior.

If you have to be the bad guy and set limits and enforce them, make sure that your partner backs you up and that there is a consistency with this in the home.

Explain to her that she will not have a whole lot going on for her if she gets in trouble at school, home and with the police. Focus on the positive (her talents) and let her see that her behavior causes either desirable or undesirable outcomes.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

should i punish her or let it go. we do focus on positive things and she is involved with alot of sports

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Yes. Consequent the undesirable behavior. (Punishing does not leave an opportunity to her to correct herself and earn privileges back) When you consequent her, let her know what is it that you expect from her and once she does it, then reward/acknowledge/praise that behavior. Do not let it go! That is giving her power and control over you the adult (and will undermine her respect and desire to comply with you)

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
what consequence should i give her, i dont get it
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.
Consequences would be those things she finds undesirable ex: taking away cell phone, extra free time, grounding, etc. Rewards would be earning the things that were taken away or other things that she likes.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
i am confused regarding the difference between consequence and punishment.arent they the same thing
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.
No they are not. In punishment there is no way for the person to earn back a privilege. Punishment does not encourage working on oneself.