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I have a live in boyfriend, 53, who has a paranoid disorder.

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his son of 18 is...
I have a live in boyfriend, 53, who has a paranoid disorder. his son of 18 is also living there. My boyfriend demands full transarency, he checks all my e-mail, my belongings my phones. Sometimes he keeps my phones with him. He must know if I want to go out, and calls to know where I am this minute, how many minutes have you done this, that, and sometimes he is commanding me home on "this minute". He does not allow me to work in an office, and thats fine with me, but he only allows me to go places where there are only women. He wrongly accuses me of having affair with drivers, trainers, doctors etc, and I have had to stop training my operated leg because he cant bear me being cose to the trainer. I have had to write nasty e-mail to my previous contacs to ask them to stop contacting me. If I dont do as he says, he starts to pack my things and put them out, or he puts me out of the car at night. He always comes back to get me, though. This sounds horrible, I know. However he is a very caring individual, and we have good times together most of the time. He provides me with everything and looks after my needs all the time. He is extremely sensitive and needs a lot of caresses, which i think is positive.He has been married twice, and I think he was like that with them too. As we are from 2 different countries I now have to go back and deals with my things. He refuses me to go alone. If we go together it will mean that I am abandoning everything to live with him. I am very lonely and only has him in the whole world. But what is your opinion about a marriage with him, what can the future bring, do you think. I want to be with him and he with me, but I have fear too. He is a wreckless driver, but have no accidents, he is preoccupied with detailjs, and more concerned with form than content. (Clothes, appearance, etc). He is extremely handsome and charming when you meet him. He is rich, so he is protected that way. We both want a life lasting relationship and he is very moral, he tends to see things in black/white. Do you think I can adjust to this life? Or anybody for that sake? As I said I am a quiet and calm person myself and I have nobody but him in the whole world.
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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5/2/2010
Mental Health Professional: Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist replied 7 years ago
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,722
Experience: MD Psychiatry
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Hi there ,

Welcome to Just answer !

can you please tell if he has been like this much possesive and paranoid in his previous relationships as well ?

is he paranoid and distrustful towards other people as well who do not have any connection with you or is this paranoia restricted to you and your contacts only?

Regards..

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago

Hello, yes he has been married twice and have had a girlfriend for one year before, and the same thing happened. I think there was abuse involved. But I am a quiet calm person, so I think I am better for his personality He is constantly occupied with where I am, who I am talking to, how many minutes I have spent in this and that shop on the market etc. Sometimes he orders me home immediatey.

He is not so paranoid towards strangers or even his friends. Then he is an ordinary pleasant man. But if he is making a deal or anything in his business, he is very concerned about saftey, strange rules for shifting money, receits etc. I have seen his counterpart get very astounished when confronted with all his demands. But yes, I am the main target for his paranoia. He has fallen out with his extended family, but sees them maybe twice a year.

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist replied 7 years ago

Well, it seems that he suffers from extreme jealousy , which i believe can be considered as an Over - valued idea , and since his paraonid behaviour is restricted to you alone ,and his is otherwise normal with other people , so this rules out , him having paranoid personality ...

However , his this jealous behaviour needs to be addressed to him as a problem which can spiral out and become a cause of strain in your otherwise good relationship , as right now you may be able to compromise and adjust according to his unrealistic and impractical demands , but sooner or later this way of keeping one person suppressed may lead to you being stressed out and wanting desperately to lead a normal life , plus here it is his jealousy and insecurity for which you are being suppressed and made to lead a life which is being monitored over by him ..

So, basically you need to talk to him about this and ask him to let you be more free and not being too controlled by him , and if possible you both can take help of a relationship expert , who shall help you to express your feelings about this whole situation to your boyfriend who is ignoring the fact that everyone deserves to be given the space that one needs and also he should be more trusting towards you as whenever he becomes distrustful towards you and is suspicious , this in a way puts a question mark on your credibility as a person and makes the relationship very unstable , and all these things you may not be able to do on your own.

So, please stop being a push over , as you also deserve the same freedom and respect in this relationship as your boyfriend does and so to bring equality and practicality in the relationship , you need to seek help of a relationship expert , who will act as a catalyst in putting your thoughts across to your boyfriend , which uptil now you have suppressed to make him happy ..So, gather some courage and get going ..as your boyfriend needs to learn to give you the trust and respect and space that you need in ths relationship ..for the sake of maintaining the relationship.

I hope this helps..

I wish you all the best..

Please press the ACCEPT button if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

Regards...

Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4,722
Experience: MD Psychiatry
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
He is actually diagnosed with paranoia /borderline, so I wonder if you can give some information on that according to relationship. He has been like that since his adulthood
Customer reply replied 7 years ago

i didnt et your second reply

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist replied 7 years ago

Well , if he has been diagnosed with paranoia / borderline personality ,and since these are personality disorders which are very difficult to treat as the person having them lacks insight,that the person does not know that he is suffering from a personality disorder , actually it is th family and friends of the person who are real sufferers in this personality disorder , and so it becomes increasingly important for him to first acknowledge the fact that he is suffering from paranoid / borderline personality and after that he should be started on proper counseling .

So i believe you should convince him to consult a clinical psychologist and gets started on Dialectical behavioural therapy ( DBT ) from the psychologist and this DBT therapy is a type of counseling technique which suits best for treating borderline / paranoid personality disorders and will not only help your boyfriend in realizing his personality disorder but will also help him to modify his personality traits so as to help him overcome his personality disorder ...and this will invariable help your cause by making him less jealous , paranoid and insecure .

So, convince him to go to psychologist and seek DBT and together both of you may visit a relationship expert , and work on the deficits in your relatonship ...

SEE the link below for better understanding of DBT ..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

Regards..

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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
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