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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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I have had feelings for a lady who is not completely honest

Customer Question

i have had feelings for a young lady who is not completely honest to me of what kind of person she is. the facts i do know is that she is an exotic dancer and that she has been abused in previous relationships. i care about her very much unfortunatly i had found out recently that she engaged in innappropriate sexual behavior with a customer for money. i have had dificulties with this and have become infatuated with knowing the truth about what kind of person she really is. she had constantly insisted that she was a good girl. this conflict had made me somewhat obsessed with the truth. recently i have noticed that she has somewhat distanced herself when we talk and does not really say anything when we speak, or make eye contact, making me feel like she is hiding something or she is feeling guilty about something.i have this strong need in finding out what kind of person she really is and i feel it is the only thing i think about.i have not approached her about the situation and dont want to let on that i know. i feel that this obsession with finding out the truth about her is unhealthy. what should i do. it seems as though i want to show her the that her lifestyle will only make her fragile emotional state caused by abuse worse. i feel some of thethings i mightsay will be met with resentment and she will completely become closed off.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 7 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for visiting JA.

First of all, you are not there to rescue her. She is an adult and has to take responsibility for her lifestyle, which, of course, she is free to choose.

You say you feel betrayed - did she have some committment to you? If not, she has not betrayed you. If she had, it speaks volumes about the kind of person she is.

It is clear from your post that you find her job and conduct to say the least undesireable.

You really need to ask yourself if this is the kind of person that you can relate to. First of all, you are not going to change her. Secondly, could you live with your doubts about her past? Finally, could you really trust her.

Sorry, but this does not look like a healthy foundation for a healthy relationship.

Best wishes,
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
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