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Ralph LMHC
Ralph LMHC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  20+ years as therapist, supervisor, clinic director at mental health, substance abuse treatment ctrs
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need some advice about relationships, dysfunction, and add

Resolved Question:

need some advice about relationships, dysfunction, and addiction.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

Hello,

Can you put this into a question that I can answer

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

some basic information. I am 39, 4 kids. Married to not a not so nice guy that ignores me, play World of Warcraft for hours.. i tried to play with him to spend time together but it didn't work cause he spends so much time on it. I eventually started playing by myself. Met a young man, 17, we became good friends, we were drawn to each other pretty quickly. Tried to ignore what I was beginning to feel for him, eventually we ended up in a realtionship online, we developed deep feelings for each other,he was neglected as a young kid and abused by his father. His grandfather is his legal guardian and knew of the relationship, even supported it, though nothing ever phyiscal happend cause of his age and he lives in Canada, well a lot of stuff has happened to him, and he eventually fell to using again after cleaning up after meeting me, he's sitting in a juvenille facility now.. he had been acting weird for about a month but he is clusmsy and has had several head injuires from falling on the ice up there,so I figure that was why he was being weird, forgetting things and having bad headaches and stuff, but then he disappeared for like two days, didn't hear a word from him, I called his grandfather to find out what was going on, found out he didn't live with grandfather anymore, a few mintues later this guy comes on msn, tells me that he got busted for our relatioship but I knew he was lying cause nothing ever physical ever happend between us. Something didn't seem right with his story, so I thought he was trying to get rid of me, I waited to hear from him but found out from his grandfather that it wasn't our relationship that got him in trouble but that he got busted on video for buying, his grandfather told me that it was from before him and I met, but then let things slip that didn't make sense

I talked to a couple of lawyers and they told what I was being told didn't make sense and that I didn't know the whole story, so I emailed his grandfather and demanded the truth from him, he said fine, you want real answers, yes he was using about a month ago, i suspected and he told me that he wasn't addicted but tha t hewas under a lot of pressure and his grandfather let him go and didn't stop him. His own father is serving hard time for selling and his mother commited suicide cause she could not get clean after his father went to jail.. he always swore to me that he was clean and not doing anything, his grandfather even tried to lie for him cause he knew I would be angry if I found out, which explained the lie he told me in the first place, he just didn't want me to be upset with him. I am also a college student working on my bachelor's degree... this situation has me really messed up, I really care for this guy and he has deep feelings for me, sometimes I think he just needs to clean himself up and he'll get better but then how can I ever trust him again after he lied to me and said he was clean.. He was working and saving money and was eventually going to come to the US and become a citizen and stuff.. I am so depressed over this.. I spent almost a year knowing this guy and his family, his grandfather even told me he was glad his grandson found someone who cared about him so much. I have gotten so bad that I've gone into chat rooms looking for nice people to talk to but most of them are just after cybersex which I won't do..My friend is still young so I think he has a chance to get better but this has turned my whole world upside down, he was like my life for almost a year..I know it probably seems strange and all but I'm looking for help for my sanity and not judgement please. I'm sad all time and crying constantly over him being gone. I know that is way beyond dysfunction, which is why I need help.

Melissa

Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

Hello,

 

I wish there was some creative magical solution. However from what you have said this is a situation that could have turned out worse than it has. Luckily what has transpired has been limited.. There is a tremendous amount of baggage with this young man. More importantly than what is happening with him is what is happening with you. , I think you need to look into what is happenin or not happening with you. I do not usually act very directive, but I would suggest that before things get worse you cut off all relations and move ove on. If necessary, you might wish to enter into therapy as an aid and find more about what is going on with you. I wish you the best and suggest, it is not the person that you are mourning, but the feeling that he has elicited. So the positive is you can seek out that same feeling and with some work and time a petrson appropriate for a relation that will bring you happiness and fufillment as this is sadly a time bomb waiting to explode. Best of luck

 

 

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

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Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I know logically that makes sense, and I know part of it is because he filled a need for me, and I've known he has plenty of baggage, and I've tried to help him with his problems, be there for him, listen to him when he's been upset. He said that I was the first person to ever say I love you back and that he would be lost without me and stuff. He really is good at heart, I know this, this just recently blew up over this past weekend, out of no where, but I feel that I really care for him and I can't turn off my feelings for him just like that, he's not gonna be gone very long and he will eventually be back, my issue is that I don't want to even eat much I'm so depressed and upset, yes I miss the way he made me feel but I also miss him. .should I get some medication casue I'm only getting worse instead of better as the days are going by?

Melissa

Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

Hello,

Medicine do not tend to work well in situations like this.

I would recommend the use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In CBT, one is taught new ways of thinking and behaving and as a result, one's mood improves. anxiety decrease. In addition CBT is evidenced based as the most effective form of treating anxiety and depression. See:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/therapies/cognitivebehaviouraltherapy.aspx

Yo are going to have to moun the endin of this relation as painful as it is. But unfortunately you'll need to o throuh the pain before you get back to feeling ok and not overwhelmed with sadness. It will get better, but it will take time mand a change in thinking. Best wishes

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

another related question. I had a daughter pass away when she was 15 from cancer, it very painful. Would my attachement to him have anything to do my daughter's death.. I often wondered about that and thought about it long and hard but I could never see something familiar with the two. I have a bad marriage and depend on him for everything, I don't have a way to support myself until I finish my degree. My husband himself has baggage of his own that has caused problems in our marriage. He has a temper and we've gotten into fights and arguements before.

Melissa

Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

Your daughter's loss and the problems in your marriage have certainly made you more vulnerable and easily hurt looking for relief for your pain.

 

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Is there any logical reason why I seem to have an attraction to younger guys? my husband is actually older than me... the relationship is dead and there no more feeling left or anything. I've had a history of dating younger guys more so than my age. Is just preference or something more?

 

Melissa

Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

Hello,

I think it is a common preference.

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I understand addiction is a diease and that is usually brought on by issuses my friend has... do you feel that there is ever a chance that he will actuall deal with his issues and able to function as a whole person with therapy? His use has been weed, not the real heavy duty drugs like cocaine and stufff.

Melissa

Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 7 years ago.

I reallyhave no way of predicting, but addictive personalities tend to stay on drugs. I am going to have to wish you the best and move on. Back to where we started I suggerst you give him up as hard as it is.

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC

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