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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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How can I relax enough to have orgasms during intercourse. I

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How can I relax enough to have orgasms during intercourse.   I am fine by myself. Please tell me if this posted.   One place says yes and the other no. I wanted to add that there is no physical problem.   Long term relationships are fine, but shorter term is an issue.
your question is posted.

Are you saying that in a long term relationship you orgasm OK, but not in a short term relationship?

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Yes. i will add that even in longer term relationships it seems to take me a long time. Arousal is not a seems that something about that final "letting go" or that momentary loss of control stops me and I can't figure out what that's about or how to overcome it.

I wanted to add that knowing orgasm is a problem, I anticipate it as soon as I start having sex therefore making me even more anxious...I am my "own worst enemy" when it comes to this and I wish I could shut my mind down and let my body do what it wants.

Thank you for getting back to me.

First thing, of course is that you CAN do it,so everything is working -physically at least.

I rather suspect that because although it may take longer in a long term relationship, you can have an orgasm, the basic issue is one of either trust, or self image. It's natural enough that you always expect history to repeat itself, but there are a couple of things you should address, by way of therapy.

It is difficult to be definite at a distance so to speak, but if your issues are those of trust in your partner - if you did not - at base - trust him, you would not have got to that stage of a relationship anyway. If they are not around trust and safety, but rather around issues of self perception and worried about how you might be perceived, a similar type of therapy would help. Quite often women - particularly - worry that "If I have a screaming orgasm, he'll think I'm a tramp and I do this all the time".

And of course, the anxiety of whether you can - or even should - have an orgasm adds another layer of negative thinking.

I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions. In your case, there are lots of unfounded bileifs around.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thank you so much for your insight. I think you are right and it's both trust and self image. I have been in therapy before many years ago, but not for sexual issues. I think it's time I get some other help and I like your suggestion. I have one final question. I am having an escape fantasy type affair with the diving guide from a gorgeous pristine isolated island resort in Belize and am about to go (in 2 weeks) for my 3rd visit. Can you suggest some things to try as I won't have time for any therapy before I go. thanks


If you're OK with it, I'd suggest some masturbation coupled with strong visualisations and fantasy about your partner
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