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Dr. G.
Dr. G., Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1525
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist.
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My boyfriend and I have a distance relationship. It has been

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship. It has been sort of a long road for the two of us and right now everything is wonderful. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. But just recently, I have been stressing out about losing him, and losing what we have finally worked so hard to accomplish in our relationship. I have a hard time talking about my feelings, and my boyfriend never tells me when things are bothering him. I know we need to talk, but how do I get over my fear of losing him, by talking to him.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 7 years ago.
I first have to say where is the proof that things will not work out? Did he tell you this? Is there constant arguing? Is the love lost? If there is proof that he will leave then by all means freak out. If there is no proof then you need to accept the facts. Secondly, you answered your own question that you need to talk to him. When couples don't communicate it creates these issues you have because you won't know if something is wrong. Not to say that something is wrong but you just don't know. Both of you need to start practicing talking with each other about problems in the relationship, good things in the relationship, goals for the relationship, etc, etc. the more you two open up the better both of you will feel. If you can't do it on your own then go see a couples therapist to address communicating effectively.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
There is no proof, per say. I have known him for a very long time....6 years. We participate in a team sport where we compete at a high level. Through the years I have seen him with many different women including other women in the sport in which we compete. I have heard stories and listened to rumors. This is where my fear stems. But, the two of us have been dancing around a real relationship for 2 of those years. We are both very happy. There is no arguing, no conflict (it is a distance relationship which adds challenge but we talked about that issue already), and we get along really well. The conflict is within me....
He has proven to me that things are different with us, but the fact that I have been so close to him for so long and now it's great I can't help but fear what "might happen". It is the happiest I have ever been with any man.
Is it ok to tell him that I worry about these things? It may sound like I have doubts in our relationship, and right now I don't. Everything is great, so why am I setting it up for failure???
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 7 years ago.
My best guess is that you have been burned in the past and so you are expecting this relationship to end the same way. It is definitely ok to talk with him and let him know that these are your concerns and maybe he can help you to alleviate those concerns. You also need to consider that this anxiety stems from your belief that you will not be able to handle a break up. You have no proof, since the relationship started, that he cannot be trusted. So stop ignoring the facts. The bot***** *****ne is that you are expecting it to fail and unintentionally will sabotage this relationship to make it fail if you continue along this path of worry. Talk it over with him, let him reassure you, and start telling yourself that this is a good relationship and I will enjoy it. And IF and that is a big IF this relationship fails, then I will deal with it IF the time comes.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
How do you say, I'm afraid this is going to fail without giving him doubt about the relationship or for him to think that he is doing something wrong. We have spoken about our insecurities. He said that he has them too....and right now I think I'm just going through a minor insecure phase.
It's ok to let him know I've been scorned in the past, he has been there through a few of my relationships also...when is it ok to use examples? I always thought that it would be way to uncomfortable to talk about past experiences since the two of us have been friends through some of the past.
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 7 years ago.
I am just saying that anxiety around future events (i.e. a possible break-up) usually has underlying beliefs that the person can not cope with the situation. In talking about past relationships, do not be too graphic. Keep it to general themes that have transpired throughout your relationships and let him know that you are working to not let this affect your current relationship. You might be going through an insecure phase, granted long distance relationships are harder anyway. Just keep focused on the strengths of the relationship and don't read into things too much as it tends to complicate matters.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for your help, it has been another almost 10 months with the same man I was discussing previously. Things have been amazing all summer and communication has improved. Our relationship has grown and developed into something that I am really really happy with. The problem now is that I still have a hard time expressing how much I care about him. We have never exchanged the "I love you" in words. There have been multiple times that both of us had said and done things to prove this but the words have actually never been spoken. Now I'm looking and reading into that. I feel it, I show it, I know it is reciprocated. Why am I worrying about this now?
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 6 years ago.
I don't know what's holding the two of you back from saying those words but somebody has to make the first move. Maybe it is fear of rejection. Maybe it is waiting for the other person to say it first. In either case, if you have those feelings then you need to take the chance and let him know how you feel. My guess is that he has the same feelings but is waiting for you to make the first move. All the signs are there that this is a good relationship. Now it is time to verbally express it. You can do it. Be strong.