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Ask Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH Your Ow...
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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i believe my husband of almost six years is a narcisisst.

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i believe my husband of almost six years is a narcisisst. he is taking several anti-anxiety meds but also is in a full-blown alcohol and marijuana relapse. i know that he has sucked the life out of me and i have to leave. i, as unhealthy as i know this is, still love him, or at least the "mr hyde" part of him. my question is this: because of this relationship i now have horrible credit and no savings. also, the youngest of my three boys still has 18 months before he graduates high school and i really don't want to uproot him from his home. i would love to be able to take the next 18 months to get my affairs in order, save as much as i can and then leave him. is there a way i can do that without letting him know my plan? in other words, how do i "patronize" him for that long?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 7 years ago.
Thank you for using JustAnwer. This is such a difficult situation to be in. So sorry to hear you and your family are having to live this way. First, if you must stay you will need to make your mind up to not try to talk with him about anything you expect a reasonable answer for when he is under the influence. An alcoholic/addict does not have the ability to rationalize or even take into consideration another persons perspective when they are actively using. That part of the brain is actually turned off when a person is using. So, unless he is completely sober, trying to have a normal conversation will not go well. If he is a narcissist on top of the addiction he will not listen either. Narcissists never think they are wrong so no amount of trying to convince him will help. Second you might want to consider attending Alanon meetings on a regular basis, this will help keep you sane while you wait to leave. Also, you can read about and practice something called Loving Detachment for when The Mr. Hyde is out. Here is an article that can give you more information about that. Lastly, you may want to consider seeing a therapist that knows about addiction to help you stay sane through this process as well.

I hope this answer helps, please let me know if you have further questions or need clarification about this answer.

Take care,

Edited by Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH on 1/31/2010 at 12:01 AM EST
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