Hi fraggle and thanks for writing justanswer.com
I am thinking your screen name should be fragile and not fraggle because that is certainly your position.
First off,breathe and understand that you are behaving normally and no wonder you are so hyper vigilant.
When your ex husband cheated on you it created damage to your ability to trust. You are reacting and responding normally. Your trust was violated and should not have been.
Since you have moved on to a new lover you have not yet reconciled the damage done to you by your ex. So, you are well enough to love again, just not recovered from the violation of your ex to trust again.
You are so not a control freak. You are a lady who has not healed yet.
Fraggle, you need time and I wish you were not so hard on yourself, but it might do well for you to see a counselor for a brief treatment schedule ( 4 to 6 weeks) so you can regain your self esteem and so you can trust a new man.
I am so sorry to hear your story.
Please try not to drink as alcohol is a disinhibitor and under the influence you will say and do things you would never do sober. These actions will make you feel awful later andyou have to feel better, so much better than awful.
You have all my best wishes on this fraggle and I hope you can feel better soon.
Find a caring and compassionate therapist and tell them exactly what you wrote here. Process the enormous betrayal you survived and find a way to relax and celebrate this new relationship;
Good Luck to you and I think you are going to be fine with a little help