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cathy
cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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My 35 year old daughter recently discovered her husband had

Resolved Question:

Hello,
My 35 year old daughter recently discovered her husband had an affair. They are now separated for approximately 6 months. Her husband tried to heal the relationship with couples therapy, but she pulled out. She is now seeing another man, who has a very scary appearance, lots of tattoos. She is going out every weekend and often stays out all night. I refused to enable this, and will not babysit while she goes out with him. I understand she was hurt by her husband, and if it were me, not sure if I could go back with a man who was unfaithful. But I am worried about her. The kids are well taken care of otherwise, but understandably wonder where she is when she is not home on weekends and they wake up to a babysitter.
In some respects, she is repeating many of my own mistakes, but refuses to look at this objectively. I guess I'm not surprised.
I am hoping this is a phase.
Monica
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 7 years ago.

Hi dr and thanks for using Justanswer.com

I am sorry to hear about your daughter and your post struck a chord with me when you talked about the tattoos. Like you I have a very hard time reconciling people with these types of appearance (I try to call it body art and not tattoo). I know exactly what you are feeling and thinking as we are about the same age and grew up in the same era.

I cringe at tatoos and piercings and have to acknowledge that in my work as a therapist because like you, I grew up in a time where tattoos and piercings were only worn by scary people who had no money and were probably criminal. That is not the way it is anymore, but I know thats the first thing I think about. I have to back up and not think that way.

Truth be told, this is very acceptable behavior and no matter what you and I think of it in terms of appearance, taste or acceptability it wont change a thing. Thats what people do today and not much you and I can do about it, but while it signifies to us scary things not so to others.

Having said that, your daughter is reacting to her husbands infidelity and no question is trying to prove that she does walk on the wild side. She has chosen an especially scary guy to prove that she is desireable and very very current. Her self esteem just took a massive blow and rather than self assure and self soothe she is sending everyone around her a message that she is so desirable she can be with a scary guy.

I know this makes no sense.

I dont think its a phase at all. I think she is hurting a great deal and doing what she may or not be conscious of to revenge the betrayal.

I am glad your grand kids are okay. Keep an eye on them.

Pull your daughter aside, remind her of how very much you love her and no matter what you will love her, and then so long as she does not venture into drugs, alcohol or crime, stand by her and wait. Dont make suggestions or ask her to go back to her husband, dont criticize the new guy even if he has the most awful tattoos in the world.

As long as her children are safe, just stand by her and offer her your love.

If she gets depressed, starts neglecting her kids or worse, then you see a counselor and ask for some direction on this. In the interim, as painful as it must be, wait it out.

I wish you all my best on thisCustomerand very happiest of new years to you.

Cathy

I think you know that already.

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