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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Hiya Way back in 1993 I was traumatised to hear that my wife

Customer Question

Way back in 1993 I was traumatised to hear that my wife of 24 years was leaving me for my best friend. Not an unusual story except that ever since I've suffered the worst of all and any scenarios.
Before I go any further I'd like to assure you that I'm not suffering from self-pity nor am I whingeing, moaning or anything else but considering the length of time involved and my inability to change what I could clearly see was happening I've come to the conclusion that I feel there's some force behind this. There has been too many coincidences, too many accidents of timing.
In 1993 I had a good job, a beautiful wife and three adorable children and good friends, some of whom for 20-so years. Today I have nothing; my friends no longer want to know me, my children hate me; I live alone and never see anyone. I haven't seen my children for over seven years and don't expect to see them ever again.
Any why? I don't know. I'm the same person I was all those years ago.
Please help me.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.

What is it that you're doing that they don't like? What did the doctor say, and how long ago? What self help groups?

Answering these questions will help me in my answer to you.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hiya Anna
Not only do I not know why they've all developed this contempt and hatred but no-one will even tell me. I know for a fact my ex has poisoned my kids' opinion of me but I can't imagine what's been said to achieve this level of hatred. My kids' contempt wasn't sudden but gradual and I could see it happened but could do nothing to stop, slow or prevent it. It was like a creaping paralysis. The last straw came last year when I wasn't wanted at my daughter's wedding. The doctor just thinks I'm being miserable; I can usually only talk in generalities, but one recent incident, I thought, encompassed everything but when told, she just laughed. The groups were depressive groups on the net. I could give the names but at present they've eluded me.
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Thanks for the information.

The first thing you need to do is to get a full work-up from a psychiatrist to rule out depression, personality disorder, or any other serious disorder that you may have but don't think you do. You sound like you're baffled at all this, but someone from the outside who is willing to do a little detective work can define the problem. They may send you for counseling for a psychological eval. Something is wrong in this picture, and if you're clueless, a professional will be able to figure it out and let you know what your problem is.

With help and support, you're going to have to find a way to restructure your life and integrate the feedback you'll get into changes. Something is wrong. Your kids are adults now, and are most likely making decisions on their own - even with influence from your ex. No matter what anyone else is doing, you can only change yourself. It may be hard to listen to outside feedback and to take it in and work with it, but there is too much that you're telling me for it all to be random. This isn't normal, and you're the common denominator - so you're in the position to make the most change for the better.

My recommendation is to get a full evaluation from a psychiatrist and counselor, and to work with them on your treatment.

If I can be of further help, please let me know.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I couldn't agree more. I AM the common factor in all this and I only wish I could change, but until I know what the problem is, there's little I can do and being ostracised hasn't helped. Because I don't know what's wrong with me I no longer go out unless I really have to. I'm not denying there's something wrong but querying what it is. Incidentally I am suffering from depression but it was brought on by this very situation and until I can get professionals to treat me with more seriousness and stop dismissing my story as cynical clap-trap, I can't progress any further.
I'm afraid you've told me nothing more than I knew already and again I've just wasted my time.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
You haven't mentioned all the many incidents which didn't involve human intervention. My most recent involved wanting to be a volunteer hospital driver. Not having a car I made all the usual enquiries as I didn't want to buy a car for no reason. I was assured I'd be accepted - bought the car then told they're not recruiting any longer.
No, I'm afraid you haven't even come close to answering the question.
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
One of the best parts of Just Answer is that you're under no obligation to pay for any answer you don't like! I'll "opt out" of this question so that another expert can have a swing at bat.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Well I have to agree with Anna suggestions. I hear what you are saying about "incidents" or could it maybe be your interpretations of bad luck?
I would ask you what is it about you that sheds any positive notions? What's good in your life, what's good about you? I have seen plenty of families where the mother has turned the kids against the father and although I despise it when this happens I tell the dads this....Take the high road, you have to wait it out until the kids are old enough to have that "ah ha" moment. They will come to understand that they were misinformed if you do not react with cynical , obnoxious behavior, or become demanding or demeaning or buy into the hate. You say you don't know what is wrong with you so you have sequestered yourself in the house and don't go me that says you are feeling defeated (not to mention angry) you give up. Too bad. If the volunteer driver didn't work out then go find something else to volunteer for, don't stay stuck on the negatives in your life. Find yourself a new therapist who has a cognitive behavioral approach to therapy. Take one problem you have and change the way you think about it, which will change the way you behave towards it. It's not anything more than perception and the idea that you are a victim. If you were (are) then stop it and turn it around so that you are contributing to the positives and not staying focused on what's wrong. Only you can do that.
Sorry if I sounding a bit harsh however you say you feel like you have wasted your time here and I want you to know it's a step in the right direction asking for another opinion, whether you knew it or not before. You can only move forward from here. Look at Anna's answer again, basically she offered great advice. It's up to you to make the changes, even if you don't recognize them as such. Try it once and see what happens and make sure you have a good psychiatrist and psychologist, you need one that will challenge your mind set.
Dr. Keane
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