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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4672
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful man but we

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I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful man but we live 1 hour away from each other. We spend about half the week together. When we are together everything is perfect but when we are apart I turn off my love switch for him and I become very distant. I have a busy life with two kids and I become very independent when he isn't around. I still care about him when we are apart but I really don't miss him and I pick arguements to push him away. I love him very much and our times together can't be more perfect but I struggle when we are apart. Does anyone know what is wrong with me? I need to be nicer to him when we are apart but how can I when I don't feel anything. Is there a book anyone recommends?

Hi there ,

Welcome to Just answer !

Kindly answer a few questions ..

1) since how long ( duration) are you having this relationship with this man ?

2) has this kind of feeling or thought of switching off with your partner happened to you in past relationships as well ?

3) what all engagements / duties do you have at home , do you have a hectic schedule ?

4) has this man complained to you of you not doing enough to get in touch with him , when he is away ?

Kindly answer the queries against their numbers and i shall get back to you with an appropriate reply.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Dr. Kaushik

1. We have been together for one year.

2. My past relationships have actually been opposite. I missed them but when I see them again I have no interest. I am very independent and a type A personality so it seems that I am better off single. I love my boyfriend and I want it to last but my independence keeps kicking in every time we are not together.

3. I am active duty Air Force, single mom of a 5 and 6 yr old, do on line college courses so I am extremely busy and like peace at the end of the day.

4. He contacts me all the time when we are apart. He can feel the distance in my voice. We talk at least 2 times a day if we are apart. He calls every night at 9PM. If I don't send him a good morning text then we thinks I don't care about him. I care but just have other things going on. But then when we are apart I think about all the things that bother me about him, specifically his parenting skills. I tell him what bugs me and he corrects it. But I feel I am constantly nagging when we are apart. When we are apart I think about breaking up all the time. But when we are together, I couldn't imagine letting him go. I was married for 7 years and ever since, I don't let people get too close. Why do I let all the little things bother me when we are apart?

Thanks for the reply..

Well, you must have heard the saying ' once bitten twice shy ' , just dwelling on this further , i would like to explain your condition , you see , according to me , since you are a responsible single mom , who is involved in taking care of your two little angels , so like any concerned parent , you want the best atmosphere at home to bring them up , this also includes the parenting of your partner , so it is just that since you had a failed marriage , and now that you are seeing this man as a potential partner , so when you are not with him , you are just thinking of the pros and cons , in order to you go ahead with him to then next level, i feel this is very much normal , as you are not only accountable for your own future right now , but also for your kids future as well, so it is quite justified to introspect and think deeply about yours and your kids future with this man, i do not see any problem there , so please do not feel that you are acting rude to him or not giving much time to him , you have your job , and kids , and household chores to look into , so in a way your hands are completely full, plus every one wants some time for their own self also , so whenever he is not around you just get engrossed in your duties as the head of the family , while also spending some time intorspecting into the future of the relationship , and spending some time with yourself , so all this seems to be perfectly normal . in fact i believe , if you are a type a personality , then you are doing a fine job in balancing your priorities with your love life , but as they say , you cannot make everyone happy all the time .

So, just talk about all this , that is your busy schedule , single parenting , with this man and give some time to your relationship , since this is a potential relationship that you are looking forward to after your previous marriage , so quite naturally you will be taking much more time to develop absolute fondness for this guy , as you also have your kids involved now , which was not the case earlier .

So, if you want , you can meet a relationship expert , but i feel what you are doing is fine , you just have to express your self to your boyfriend about your limitations in your relationship , and the fact that you are responsible for rearing two small kids , and that you will appreciate it if he understands your predicament , and helps you take it slow , but make sure to tell him that you are fond of his company and look forward to your meeting with him.

I hope this helps..

I wish you all the best..

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