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Gina P
Gina P, LCSW
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 175
Experience:  MSW, LCSW, PIP
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I really need some pointers and tactics to deal with this

Resolved Question:

hi i really need some pointers and tactics to deal with this man who is in my life. he is not a bad person at all but he is tricky and likes to play mind games especially with women. he uses comments always with a question ***** *****ke surely? and why not? etc. he also often answers questions but dosnt really give an answer. he is good at leaving questions in peoples psych and often confuses people (which i think he like to do) so just some pointers on how to deal with this man would be great as i have to work with him some times. thanku
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Gina P replied 8 years ago.
Hi, It is very difficult to handle a co worker with this type of attitude. Usually we are not that invested in the relationship but they are irritating enough to make the work place difficult at times.

It sounds as if he has some self esteem problems around women, and may be countering this with his smart comments and manipulation. I don't know if he is a peer or a supervisor, but dependent on your working relationship a good tool for dealing with this may be to surface his underlying meanings. You can do this by saying something like "so what you mean is...." which gives him a chance to respond more appropriately. He may not choose to, though, at which point you could ask him to restate his answer. "I'm confused..." is always a good start to help others communicate more effectively.

Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize that you are probably not really being attacked. This is his problem not yours. When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react quickly. Repeat back what you heard and ask him to clarify. You may also try going back to him at a later time and resurface the issue. this can catch him off guard and he may actually explain.

If you have to interact frequently with him, ask him to let you know when you are being a jerk and you will do the same for him!

He may simply be unaware of how his comments are coming across to others. Changing learned patterns of communications and manipulations can take a while even if one is diligent. However, he may not be interested in changing and these tactics simply may not work if he is purposefully doing them.

So, you can learn accept him as he is :)
interact with him only as needed, and don't allow him to effect your emotional well being at work. If he knows how it effects you, he will continue his behaviors.eiremto sinsecurity and defensiveness may take years of work.

I like to think of these type of people as growth opportunities :)
They teach you how to accept different personality types, and let you know what type of people you don't want to be around. In this way learn to see him as a blessing, and thank him daily for this!

Learn to understand your own personality and the unique and special traits you bring to the workplace. When you make an effort to get along better with others it improves your skills, whether it helps the other change or not. And this is beneficial you find more career opportunities open up for you.
Hope this helps. Gina
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
thanku it has helped, is it best to agree with this man more often or argue endlessly because hes ways are very manipulative with his mind games. he truly thinks he is always rght and that he has some type of power over women.
Expert:  Gina P replied 8 years ago.
Hi, don't argue with him. This keeps your attention on him and feeds the negative behaviors in a positive way. Does that make sense? :)
When he becomes argumentative say something like "I am leaving now, when you are ready to discuss this appropriately, call me"
If you are consistent in not reinforcing this negative communication, hopefully it will get better. Gina
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