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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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Here is the latestI wrote my BPD wife a letter and gave it

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Hello again Anna, here is the latestI wrote my BPD wife a letter and gave it to her Dr so she could determine if it was appropiate for my wife to read, the Dr gave it to her and course she blew up, first somethings were correct, then everything was a lie,then she said I am exactly like her fater ect ect. In the mean time she keeps popping by the house, I do not say anything neither does she but she tries to look her best then leaves. Today she stopped by and actually asked me to helpfix her laptop to which I did, some small chit chat and the she said goodbye Joe. A few minutes later she called and said if I thought it was a good idea if we sold the house to which I said that would be a permanat decision, I metioned the option of a marriage counselor and she said she was tired of being a slut, I asked her what she meant and she said that I have that opinion of her ( I think this has to do with me catching her repeatedly in the lies about boyfriends very often recently) and again saying I do not desire her sexually. I am going to paste the leeter I wrote in the follow up part so you can see if it was ok. At this point I have no clue as to does she want the divorce or not, I know she has seen the divorce packet on my desk as I have been filling it out. Thanks Joe

Hello Cammie,
                        I am writing you this because it seems the only normal way of communicating with you without all of the yelling that has accompanied our recent conversations. I understand that you are feeling scared, and abandoned. I have never abandoned you, I have just been pushed from you is all. Maybe you cannot see it, or if you do maybe you are powerless to do anything about it. You are also projecting your feelings about yourself on me, such as the other day when you called me evil and a abuser. I do not feel that is true at all. If I was this evil and abusing person why would you let your only son live with me? Ask him how I treat him and how we get along. That perception of people is simply not true.

I know it hurt you when I removed you from the business account, and I did that to protect us. Lately you have been going thru money like it was water. I know you want to do nice things for your daughter, mom, sister, son and also yourself but I cannot risk losing everything nor have my credit ruined. Again I know I hurt you by doing this but I was only trying to protect us.

I am also very hurt and confused with your infidelity and thoughtlessness resulting from it. I know you think it is justified and maybe you do it because you feel that you do not deserve to have a good life. Right now you are going to say the sex and that I am gay and all of your hurtful insults. You have constantly said that all of my relationships have ended in failure due to me and my behavior and that is not true. Janet my first wife and I were married for 12 wonderful years; she became addicted to cocaine and almost wiped us out financially. Our sex life was wonderful no effort. She did not want get help so in the end I divorced her. I dated for a few years after that nothing serious. After a few years I met Joann and we lived together. Again it was a great relationship on a intimate level. With much great sorrow we parted due to the age difference, we both agreed it would be cruel for both of us if we stayed in it long term. I dated for a few years after that and then I met you. I feel in love with you, your are very beautiful and charming. I knew there was something wrong when we were dating because you would let me get close and dump me, and the constant cheating which has lead us to this point as I will explain.

Not everyone is wired or built the same. Some men could care less if their spouse cheats on them. I do, it is the biggest violation of trust in intimacy that hurts the worst and takes a long time to get over. It affects people physiologically, sexually. You do not seem to understand how many times you have done that to me and it pushes me away from you emotionally and intimately. It scares me that maybe you contracted a disease or that maybe you will get pregnant. I have entered this relationship for better or worse Cammie and with commitment, but you never have there has always been others, Shawn, Kent, Rebecca’s married boyfriend who worked for Rep. Brandenburg and many others. Many times people that you thought were your friends or that you had fooled into blaming me for your behavior have had and still have the decency to tell me. Someone of these people knows you extremely well and knows when your BPD is at its worst. I mean out of all of the places to work you pick a place that your ex or current boyfriend frequents.

I also get very confused when you say that there are many good qualities in this marriage worth saving and you are not going to make any rash decisions. But you do to the extreme without thinking about the possible effect it has on me or the future of your marriage. You can choose to make me evil, abusing and controlling, but I am the person who found you a good doctor, makes sure you take your medications, has given you things that no one else has ever provided for you or your children, we have had many good times and memories, maybe you cannot remember them or just remember glimpses of them but they did happen. Look at the things you have, look at the things you and I have written to each other in the cards we have exchanged everything is not bad and sometimes it is not good but that is marriage it is a lifelong experience of learning.

It just seems to me that the only you care about is money and what I can do for you in that aspect. You have a daughter that is capable of working and instead you condone her bad behavior (growing and selling pot) with out setting some boundaries, as in at least having her pay for her cell phone and health insurance which is only $200.00 a month, how is she ever going to learn to take care of herself and be responsible? Did you not notice her bad behavior and the fights she had with Marco when we were on vacation? You even recognized it and acknowledge that Marco will leave her soon. I also remember you telling me that you would never tolerate your mother drinking; instead she gets drunk, very drunk around you, me and everyone else. She believes everything you say and as a result condones your behavior. For example, you have told her I am a bum because I have only done a few service calls the last 2 months even though you know the season starts in September. In the meantime I have paid all of the bills, and you continued to get a check from the business, you have told your mother and other people that you work 3 jobs to support me and Craig while we choose not to work. In reality you cost us money at the 2 jobs you have, the bike store has never paid you anything instead you spend money in there and the real-estate cost us money for your licenses, dry cleaning, ect ect and again no money made. Yes I know the market is bad and my season does not start until September, so please be honest when you say these things, the truth is you are cycling in the bipolar area extremely rapidly and the manias are getting worse. You went from cycling 1 day a week to almost 4 and further and further until you hurt yourself, of course you blamed that on your high heel shoes and the word of a acupuncture person that you met while cycling no real doctor or specialist opinion. I really do not think she understands what BPD is all about because she encourages you do act the way you have been these last 2 months. I know you will choose to blame me for everything and I know it will make you feel better but only for a little while before you need to do it again. You have raged, projected, tagged me and have disassociated right in front of me for the last 2 months.

These is not a letter to attack you, I am just trying to shed some light on what has been going on. If you want to try and salvage this marriage, one of my boundaries is going to be honesty, I am sorry but if I can have that from you then there really is no point. I will also continue to pay the house and the bills related here with it but I do expect you to at least pay fro your truck payment and the related insurance that goes with it. I think that is fair compared to the bills I pay here. This way the house and the utilities will not fall in the rears. I again apologize if this letter hurts you, I love you very much and I just want you to get better.

&nb sp;                           I love you,

Hey Joe,

That was a great letter because you talk about your experience and the facts as YOU see them instead of blaming and shaming her. I'm sure you know that won't get you anywhere except to be placed in the Perpetrator role. You laid out the events that have mattered to you and now she has the opportunity to see your side of it. I think it was a great move for both you and her.

One of the best clues of what the BPD is thinking/working on is to listen to what they blame you for - their motivation is usually in there somewhere. When she dresses up and pops over, then tells you she's tired of you treating her like a slut, she's feeling like a slut because she's trying to seduce you. She acts out sexually, and when you respond as if she's acting out sexually, you're gay. (Your mind is outside of the marriage, not hers.) You're the bum because you're not working and bringing home money, but she's not bringing home money and can't pay bills. (She's feeling like a bum and is frightened financially)   It's all connected but twisted between what is yours and hers. This is the hallmark of BPD, but I think you have a handle on that.

But, Joe, what I'm not so sure that you do have a handle on is your part of your pain. I'm hearing that you've taken alot of time and effort to learn about what is going on in your marriage and what is up with her and her personality disorder, and that has been absolutely necessary for your recovery from all the turmoil. What I would like you to do now is to believe that you've nailed it. You're on track, and have a good nose for how & when you're dealing with the craziness. I don't think any more investigative work about her will do much for you, but what will is investigative work into how you've been effected by it.

I'm not into the 'blame the victim' stuff nor do I believe every damaged marriage has two equal partners in the destruction. Just because she has a problem doesn't mean you have one that is equal, or that you both 'got there together'. But, you've been in this marriage and you've been damaged by it like water slowly made the Grand Canyon. Bit by bit, you've been eroding, and I can hear it in your notes. You've hit bottom, found out what you were dealing with, are trying very hard to deal with it and are doing well in that area. Now I want you to do as well in YOUR area. I want you to look up how Codependency is hurting you. How this battle fatigue has taken a toll on you, and then I want you to put as much effort into reclaiming you right to a normal life as you do into dealing with her BPD, and then I want you to go past that so the scales are tipped on your side.

The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie is a good little reflection book, as is AlAnon's Courage to Change. Both are very good at opening your eyes to the subtle things that partners of troubled people give up, and support you in setting your boundaries and keeping them. I loved hearing the boundary you set at the end of your letter: she should pay for her truck and you are going to be honest with her whether she wants to hear it or not. Good for you! I know those things can be hard to say and enforce, but it's so important for you. I also want you to keep reading the family support sections of the BPD sites.

I know I've mentioned this before, and I'm going to do it again: Do YOU want the divorce? I'm sure she doesn't want to be abandoned and lose her son's caregiver, but that doesn't mean she's willing to be married to you in an intimate, meaninful way. What you want and what you need is the part that you need to remember as most important. Unfortunately, her needs are vast. You can spend your life trying to fill them. Just like on the airline safety talk...put YOUR airmask on first, and then help others. Always watch the balance - you may be the only one doing that.

Take your time, do it in a way that you need to. The letter was one of the best I've seen, and it's a great example of how aware you are of what is going on. Good job! Enjoy the holiday knowing that you make perfect sense. You know what you know and you see what you see - nothing is wrong with your perception. Keep taking care of yourself and that boy - he needs you, your love, and your stability right now.

Keep in touch, and let me know how things go. You're on the right track.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you Anna, I feel validated at last from a stranger instead of the usual friends anf family. Last night she called and said she was angry that I never went to her moms house to check on her and do a surprise visit, by me doing that I do not love her. I calmly explained that I do care about her and I did not want her to think I was stalking her or fer to get scared if I merely popped up there. I told her she knew were I was and she has been doing a good job of coming by (non sarcastic), after that she said I should be the one living somewhere else because that is her house, I calmly answered it is both of our house, then the hang up and call back ect ect. Her son told me he knows what I am going thru as he has went thru this for a while, not to take it personal and when she rages just pretend that I am lookung at a small angry rabid rabbit. I used that approach last night and I did not engage in any of her rants which I think made her made, at the end of her rants I merely stated I am sorry you feel that way, I love you and she would just shut down. So it worked better for me that way. Your question about the divorce, everytime I think of the bad times which are many yes, then I think of the good times and no, but I realize this is never going to change ever. I thought the problem was me and it affected my self image, but I have made some friends in the female area just friends andfrom just listening to what they say I know there is nothing wrong with me and I should not feel ashamed of anything, so that has helped me tremendously. Right now I am waiting on my financial statement from my accoutant and I allready have started filinf out the divorce papers to which she knows, she responded great we will let the attorneys work it out, then she apologizes and says that was mean, then it will all work out in the end. Then she says she wants to be alone and even if she loves everything she would feel better, then she says she is scared to be alone. I look at this stepping back and feel sorrow for her or anyone else that feels like this, how can anyone go thru that but I know I have tried and I cannot cure it nor is it my responsibility to do that
You're right on the mark with your thinking: it is incredibly sad and painful for the afflicted person. For them to change takes lots of dedicated effort, and many just don't have the sustained motivation to get there and stay there.

You can't cure it and you didn't cause it. I'm glad you're getting out there for some reality check, and it sounds like you're doing really well with not getting hooked into the drama, moaning, groaning, shaming, raging name it.

You also can try to laugh at some of it...She cheats on you numerous times, but the real reason she knows you don't love her is because you didn't pop on by her new place. Incredible. An adult said those words?!? Small angry rabid rabbit - good analogy.

Let the attorneys work it out...really. Expensive drama, but it can have an end. The best thing for you (and I'm going to say this out loud..) is that you file for divorce and she gets diverted by a new boyfriend and is in the happy Good Object phase while your divorce whizzes by her. Sad to say, but it's true.

Keep up the good work.
Anna and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks Anna, I will be in touch as this progress along. She called today and had no money for her meds so I met her at the pharmacy and bought them for her, I think she was expecting me to give her some more money but I simply paid for them and was on my way. She then called and the usual about not coming up to see her to which I just acted like I did last night. Now I know why they call this OZ.
Great move on the pharmacy interaction! Keep up the good boundaries...they're very important in OZ. :)

Let me know when I can help, and thanks for the bonus! :)
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hello Anna,

I need to get some advice from you once again, please let me know when you are going to be online *****@******.***

Thanks, Joe