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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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Pls. HELP! cannot discuss problems w/ hub whothinks that

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Pls. HELP! cannot discuss problems w/ hub whothinks that when i bring up an issue that somehow I AM ACTUALLY part of the problem. he goes hot and cold. he will kiss me on the cheek, say i love you - pretend like nothing is wrong, sometimes gives the silent treatment and says he is "tired, or not feeling well, etc. - some excuse - watches TV. He seems fine if I go along with what he wants all the time but I can't disagree with him and actually have an open discussion. He is also very enmeshed with his family and sister especially. I am the one who set up some counseling, but he never does the homework and doesnt want to discuss it. Then he'll pretend everything is fine. He grew up w/ a very abusive father and I think this must be part of it. I am feeling very disconnected emotionally from him and very discouraged at his behavior. I'm trying to work out and take care of the kids and do a good job at work, keep the house clean - but I can't live easily in the emotional wierdness
Hello and thanks for using

You have done well with this distressing problem by reading, researching, and going to a counselor. From what I can see by your question, your husband has not responded favorably to any of your attempts to engage him in the process. Maybe it is time to look at this in another way. To put it bluntly, you keep trying to change him and not only is he refusing to change, he blames you for the problem. He is telling you clearly that he is not willing to change. Continuing to force it on him will only yield more negativity and conflict.

My suggestion is for you to go to the counselor by yourself and work on changing yourself. This may give him room to meet you half way. Currently, you are pushing at him, and he is pushing back. His energy is going into resisting you rather than making the marriage better. This must stop. You are the only one who can stop this. Is it fair? NO. Should he be doing more? YES. Will he? NOPE.

Therefore, as a rational and intelligent person you need to stop proverbially beating this dead horse. Talk with the counselor about what you are willing to do to save this marriage in terms of changing what you do. Avoid power struggles with him at all cost. Nothing good will happen if you engage in a power struggle. Give him the room to see if he can make some changes.

Please let me know if you need clarification on anything I have said. I wish you well. Take care.
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