How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Norman M. Your Own Question
Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Norman M. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

These are the problems I face Aspect 1– Problem on doing

This answer was rated:

These are the problems I face
Aspect 1– Problem on doing well – When I do well I become proud and uncooperative
Aspect 2– Too much comparison – I tend to do too much comparison with people, which is often inaccurate and hampers cooperation
Aspect 3– Innate dislike of authority figures (unless exceptionally supportive or hands off) and hence bad cooperation with them in projects
Aspect 4–At times feeling of entitlement to respect without actually deserving it
Aspect 5– Problem in meeting people I consider very intelligent and successful, I become panicky and loose all social skills
Aspect 6- I at times try so hard to be successful that I ignore my health, after which I would go into burnout and thinking that joblife is unfair
Aspect 7- My interaction with friends is often too much concerned about “appearances” and “success” to make me a bit too serious. I want to be more lighthearted :) and care less about ‘success’, ‘status ‘, ‘right’, ‘wrong’, ‘better’, ‘worse’ and just be myself
Hello Bushan - I remember your earlier question on this theme.

It looks to me as if you have some deep seated insecurities about your place in the scheme of things and around your own abilities. From the way you worded your question, you come across as an estremely intelligent - and educated - person, and it is very often people just like yourself who have these problems.

Let's have a look at these issues one by one.

!. When you do well, you become proud and uncooperative. First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with being proud of a job well done. You worked hard, you succeeded, and you deserve the reward of feeling good about yourself. On the other hand, it does you no good whatsoever to become unco-operative. All that is happening here, I suspect, that you are saying to those around you "Look - there you are - I proved I could do it, so there!" The good news is that you are clearly aware of this problem, so in a sense, you are half way to solving it. Just stay focused on what you say you want - to care less about appearances. So if you find yourself indulging inthis old behaviour STOP AND THINK. Is this getting me what I want. If so, change what you are doing.
There is an old saying that goes "If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got" - ponder on this for a moment

2. Aspects 2 There's nothing amiss about comparing yourself with others - as long as you are aware that there will be people who are actually smarter, better looking, better liked or more successful than you. The problem comes along when you start to feel really negative about yourself when you make those comparisions. Instead of doing that, why not turn the situation around, and use it as tool to help yourself. Ask yourself - what is it about this person that makes them so smart/successful/popular and so on?
What can I learn from them and use to my benefit?

3. Aspects 3 and 5 are closely related. Every organisation needs authority figures, otherwise it won't succeed. Try to remember that these people are just there to do a job, and yes, maybe check up on what YOU are doing. They have earned that right.
Of course, they have no more authority over you than that which you choose to give them, in the sense that you can do what you like or say what you like, PROVIDED that you are prepared to accept the consequences.

Resentment of authority and feeling entitled to respect often go hand in hand, in someone who is unsure of themselves and their place in the world, and I believe you need to take along look at this - with professional help. I suspect that some face to face counselling would help you tremendously, so why not look around for a counsellor or psychotherapist you can trust.

Aspect 4 - You lose your social skills because you are doing an instant comparison, and judging yourself to be a 'lesser' person than they are. Intelligence and success are no indicators of the real value of a person at all, altough we seem to be taught that they are.
There are lots of intelligent and successful people out there who are mean spirited, rude, untruthful or whatever. The real worth of a person (In my book) are his values, his dignity and the way he treats those around them. These are the real marks of success - so cultivate them, and remember what I said about comparisons earlier - if you MUST make them, use them to your advantage.

Aspect 5. Nobody said that our working life should be fair - sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. Don't you think that is just the way the world is? If you are going to be successful (however you measure it), you need to maintain your health and energy to deal with the tasks given to you. Sure, you can go ahead, burn yourself out - and people will just "Pity about Bushan - nice guy, wasn't he" and pass on. You owe it to yourself to rein the urge to go into overdrive - it is actually a shortcut to failure.

Aspect 7 - A lot of your life view really is about appearances, isn't it? What will my boss think? Will these new acquaintances think I'm stupid? What if I don't get this right?

Natural concerns, really, but try to keep them in perspective. In the end of the day, the world keeps turning, and what people thing is of no great consequence.

Bushan - I'd like you to have a look at the following - it is a "Bill of Rights" written by an excellent American therapist called Virginia Satir, and it applies to every one of us. Use it as a tool, and you'll soon notice changes taking place. Also, please get some professional counselling - it would be time and money well invested!

Now here is the Bill of Rights

The Bill of Riqhts.

This Bill of Rights was one of the tools used by Virginia Satir, a well-known family therapist. Containing some really basic psychological rights belonging to every person, it really helps to identify and deal with areas in which we have problems.

Read the statements. Note down any immediate thoughts or feelings that come to you and discuss with your therapist.

Look at yourself in a mirror and read it out loud to yourself. Listen to your voice grow in strength and volume so that you can really start to feel it inside. In the beginning, you may feel silly or embarrassed. You may hear the inner voice say, "That's not the truth". Just hang in there and keep doing it - you'll notice the change within six weeks, if you do it regularly.

1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I

do, say, think or feel.

2. It is O. K. for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.

3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decisions.

4. I have the right to say "I don't understand" without feeling stupid or guilty.

5. I have the right to say NO.

6. I have the right to say No without feeling guilty.

7. I do not have to apologise or give reasons when I say NO.

8. I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me.

9. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly.

10. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.

11. I have a right to tell others when their behaviour annoys me.

12. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.

13. I have a right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. I have a right to be wrong.

14. I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.

I hope this has helped, and best regards,
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thanks Norman, I liked some of your suggestions. I would like to further clarify some.

For suggestion 2, my problem is that such comparison makes me feel I am competing with them, which causes teamwork problem as project requires cooperation with everyone. And since I compare with many diverse people, I can't possibly learn good qualities of everyone. That would be humongous task.

For suggestion 3, my problem is not them checking on me, which is fine. I think my problem is I desire to get the major the credit for work. Maybe just be in lead position so that I can be the main person responsible for success or failure. When I see someone else leading I feel that that person is better than me and in lead position and he or should not be better than me :D.Stupid desire but somehow it comes up. Sometimes it turns out that project is actually successful by cooperation of diverse people rather than one person. However when I meet someone new who is leading, I get scared, what if the person is not of same frequency, what if I do not get enough responsibilty and chance to do good work etc. This fear also causes difficulty in communication.
Glad I could help a bit Bushan.

The comparison issue comes from two areas - a natural desire to be good at what you do, and therefore requiring a yardstick against which to measure yourself.

I believe that the best way to deal with it is to keep your eye ALWAYS on the objective - and show everybody that you ARE team player, and probably even a leader. Discuss your projects with your colleagues, even the 'least important' of them. Everybody, but everybody loves to be listened too, and you may be surprised at some of the input you get.

Your fears when you meet a new 'leader' are entirely natural, but actually, in this area, communication is the key. Converse, discuss, involve - show your willingness and team spirit, deliver the results and you will PROBABLY get the recognition you deserve.

Notice that I said "probably" - there are no certainties, are there (except death and taxes, as they say!) And if you don't, maybe next time.

Why should someone NOT be better than you - give yourself a break, you are just human like us all, with all your gifts and all your faults. Inevitably, we do meet people who are smarter than we are- it's just a simple (if sometimes unpalatable) fact that neither you and I cannot change. As somebody - I forget who - said "grant me the power to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't - and the wisdom to know the difference"

Please Bushan, discuss this with a counsellor you can trust - some assertiveness training might be in order. Just a couple of adjustments and you'll be flying. You HAVE got what it takes. Oh, and DO use the Bill of Rights!

Norman M. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you