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My mother is a troublemaker. She seems to delight in

pretending to be interested in...
My mother is a troublemaker. She seems to delight in pretending to be interested in me and when I least expect it she plays a nasty trick on me and when I front her she tells my siblings how nasty I was to her and they don't speak to me. The last time she did this it was really nasty and my husband told her off. The verbal abuse came thick and fast from my siblings which broke my heart. My mother wrote to her sister and told her I was'the scum of the earth". She had done the same thing to her sister 14 years ago and four other female relatives. I have walked away, can't forgive them and miss my sister badly. I don't think there is any way to heal this and would value your opinion.
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Answered in 29 minutes by:
7/6/2009
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Verified
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I can assure you: it isn't in your head. There is a type of person who just cannot stop themselves from creating a tornado of hurt in other people's lives, and they don't see it. You can show them a video of themselves in action, and they'll still find a way to make it your fault. You will hurt, but how they keep themselves from hurting is to create pain and chaos in your life. They feel pain, but not from what they're doing to you.

Passive aggressiveness is one of the ways they save face and still get at you. It's almost like a game of chase with them.

The common denomenator? No matter what the current stunt is, they keep someone around them reacting to them so that they know they're alive. They're so empty inside that they define themselves by who is giving them attention.

Here are some books that will tell your story:
http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/Books.html
The first one is the best, ***** ***** it's about a man.

If you read through this article, I think you'll be surprised.
http://bpd.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/a/signsofBPD.htm

Walking away and refusing to let them use you for sport is usually the best thing to do. Yes, you will lose alot, but you'll also regain your sanity. This type of person rarely, if ever, gets better without an intense, long held desire to recover. You're lucky you are seeing the light. Good luck to you.

If you got advice from this post, please click Accept. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Thank you Anna. Besides what my mother does the other hurtful thing is relatives I have loved believe her. Walking away has cost me my parents, three siblings and their children, all of whom I have loved and been very good to. I am lucky I have a great husband(who my mother tried to get me to leave) two children she hasn't been interested in seeing in over 30 years and five grandchildren she has never seen. It is hard to believe a mother could do this to her child.
It is hard to believe that a mother would do this to her children, but I've seen it many times. Family is the most important thing we have available to us as far as relationships go. We all need a place where we're loved and accepted. It says everything that she's never seen her your grandchildren. I'm sure she tried to get you away from your husband if he supported you over her.

Its also amazing that borderlines can get so many people to believe them. I'll tell you the secret to this: They believe themselves 100% in the moment. They can pass lie dectector tests while lying! They only live in the immediate moment..they feel without context, so the truth doesn't interfere in their stories. No guilt, so it appears to be sincere to the person they're manipulating. They love to control other's impressions of people.

Read the stuff about borderlines...there are good books out there for family members. You might also want to try "Walking on Eggshells"...it's a classis for family members.

Good luck, and if you have more questions/concerns, you can ask them to my attention.
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Dear *****a,

Thank you for being such a help to me. I did a lot of reading last night. I can't tell you the relief of someone understanding what I have been through. As you are no doubt aware this hasn't just started. I was lucky enough as a child to have a dear Aunt and Grandmother who saw what was happening and would take me home with them, sometimes for months. I went to school in two states! The normality of their lives and their love saved me I feel. I do have another question for you regarding my Aunt, my mothers sister. My Aunt is 79 and the most wonderful warm caring person. I can still remember 14 years ago when she got her nasty letters and rang me at work, I can still hear her heartbroken sobs.She had 14 family members staying with her and my mother said she felt "rejected". It all fits. She is very troubled over the nasty letter about me and my husband my mother sent to her. She loves us both. Also troubled by the content that a mother could speak of her child the way she did and very troubled why the letter was sent to her. Apparently my mother was going to send me a letter too but my sister stopped her. Could you explain for my Aunt what this was about please. My idea is she was trying to make trouble between my Aunt and myself. Thank you Annie

Hey Annie,
Information will set you free! Your mom is playing a game with you and your Aunt called, "Lets YOU and HER fight!" This one is great in that it gets at least two people in on the tornado, and often more. Your mom doesn't care what kind of attention she gets...just that she gets it. Quantity, not quality is the coin of the realm in the boderline kingdom.

The second part of this game is called the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer triangle. You mom points out a Perp. That makes her the Victim, and....guess what?.....the person (your Aunt) now is supposed to step into the Rescuer role. You can see this triangle in 99% of the borderline's communication with people.

Keep reading and thank God that he gave you stable people to give you another experience of life. It most likely did save you. You can let go of her and live your life to the fullest.
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Verified
Anna and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Dear *****a,

We need more lovely ladies like you in this world. I read all our contact to my Aunt and after two hours of talk we can both move on. She asked me to thank you.

I have been a bit of a hermit while all this has been going on, however have arranged a small party for my husband's birthday this weekend. My friends were so pleased to hear from me again and we are both feeling excited at seeing them.

You have also encouraged me to always be a mentor not only for kids, but for the beautiful seniors I work with, to listen with a kind heart and hopefully some practical advise if asked. I love how a short encounter with a new contact can change lives, and feel we are all here to help each other in any way we can.

All the best to you Anna, you do a wonderful job.

Kind Regards

Annie

Annie,
How incredibly sweet to have been able to help you and your Aunt! Thank you for letting me know. It makes all my work worthwhile when just one family starts to heal. I'm so happy that you and your Aunt could use the posts as a way to open the conversation and connect with each other. Tell her I said, "You're welcome".

Short encounters have changed my life many many times, and I try to keep that in mind anytime I'm on this site. One of the reasons I'm here is because I think it's a wonderful, safe way to reach out to the people who need it the most. So many times it's just a little understanding, a little listening, and a kind exposure to information can open up a person's life in a profound way. I'm glad to hear that you're passing it on. Bravo for you!

You've been suffering from Battle Fatigue for so long. I'm glad to hear that you're opening your doors and letting people back in again. A birthday party is a great way to do that. Let them love you as you truely are instead of carrying the shame your mother tried to inject into you.

Again, thank you for your kind words. Keep reading, talking and healing, and if I can be of any help, let me know.
Anna
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Verified
Anna and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Anna the other interesting thing I forgot to tell you is after considering the situation from my mothers point of view and her disease is I feel empathy for her and how lonely she must be. Maybe this is my forgiveness. I am sorry I wasn't able to help her or my siblings, I did feel I had escaped a "cult" and had to leave my siblings behind, I do hope they "make it out" too.

All the best

Annie

Annie,
<br />Of course you feel empathy for her...she's not well, and you're an intact person with compassion. I just read your post about your father that another expert discussed with you. Wow. What a mess! It is like you escaped a cult. Absolutely. In situations like that, you have to do what you can to save yourself. Think about what they always say on airplanes: Put on YOUR oxegen mask on FIRST...then help others get theirs on. You have to survive the situation first, and then you have to accept if others chose not to get healthy.
<br />
<br />Keep getting better and letting the truth out - it's so good for you. If there is anything else you'd like me to help you with, just let me know by putting my name in the first part of the question, or you can post out on the boards like your original question and see what other experts have to say. We're here to help.<br />Anna
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Anna,

I was so embarrased to tell the other expert and took a big risk for me and I was very upset that he took what my mother was saying was true. It took me a little while to find and trust you. I still feel guilty talking about my parents as we as children were not allowed to express feelings, have an opinion or talk about anything that happened. I did not tell you about my father after the experience with the other expert. I am a bit embarrased you read about my father as I'm so ashamed and I don't know who on the internet is reading this. There is heaps more to the story which I won't go into except I feel my mother was my fathers enabler and rewarded him after each event, at the same time she was complaining to all and sundry about him. I am so glad I've walked out of this madness. Annie

Annie,
No judgements coming from me. How I saw the note...I don't get a notice when someone writes at the end of an accepted answer, or some other combination of events (which I wish I knew, because after I found your last note, I looked at other client's threads and found more notes I hadn't responded to). I didn't know if it was on a new thread, and old one, or an add-on, so I clicked on your name and got a list of your questions. I suspect that only the experts can do this. I didn't want to intrude on his accepted answer (professional courtesy), so I found an old thread and wrote the note to you. People outside of Mental Health wouldn't go through your notes, and I wouldn't have if I weren't looking for your contact info.

So, I feel pretty sure your story is safe and private within the MH zone, and we, as licensed professionals, are bound to a higher level of confidentiality and sensitivity than others. Although I don't want to give you the impression this site is confidential...but it is private and the experts are very sensitive to that issue.

Breaking shame bonds with relatives is a very physical & emotional experience, but remember: you were trained to feel their shame so that they didn't have to. It's a learned response and will be unlearned as you continue to recover. I'm sure your mom was the enabler, and he was probably hers. Your home was a hotbed of psychopathology to say the least.

You can talk to me about anything. Just start a new thread reqesting me (I don't know what that option looks like on your side) or put my name in the first few words of the question...."For Anna...." and people won't open it and read it. This is a for profit site, so they'll only let a thread go back and forth so many times without the Question/Answer format getting tapped. I'm newer here, so I'm not sure how all that works.

Take care, Annie, and please don't feel ashamed for anyone else's behavior.

Anna
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Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
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