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Dear, (well, trying to) I'm still having some real issues

Dear *****, (well, trying to) I'm...
Dear *****, (well, trying to)
I'm still having some real issues with my husband. We went to NY for our 28th anniversary. One night he got an espresso. He took a sip and I asked him isn't that bitter? Don't you need sugar in that? Well, he went off! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME PUT SUGAR IN MY COFFEE! He didn't actually yell but did raise his voice. He just couldn't believe I didn't know that information! It eventually ended with him leaning forward and saying This just proves that you don't know me at all. I tried to tell him I was just talking about espresso not coffee in general. Well, I raised my glass and laughed at how stupid this was and went on for about 5 minutes with 'comments' surrounding what I don't know about him. He was not going to ruin my vacation! How long can this go on before I check out? I don't know.
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
7/2/2009
Nancy
Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience: ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
Verified

Hi,

I am really glad you wrote me tonight.

I am so sorry things aren't getting better. Tell me what you think is going on with him... what are the possibilities?

Nancy

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
The good thing is that he is starting to listen and be directed by our counselor to "I feel" instead of "I think". He's saying he feels completely disrespected. After 28 years I should know this information. He's really angry over an affair I had 20 years ago. I have stated that I know I gave him one of the biggest hurts in his life. And, maybe that's why I've stayed so long, feeling that I deserve the punishment. But then again, 20 years! He has brought it up over the years and yet and stated also that he doesn't even think about it, he did forgive me. I'm haveing a hard time,even after a year, getting back into gear with household, I hate this word, duties. He has gone from very angrily asking if I plan on doing ANYTHING today to just telling me he needs underwear washed. Good. One night he asked if I did any whites and I said yes, when you go up to bed I'll put it in the dryer. Well, he heads up to bed and I follow saying I'll put the whites in the dryer. No need he says, I already did it. Wow, thank you! I'll fold them then. I go into my laundry room, now you have to understand that my Tide has sat on top of my washer for the 11 years we have lived in this house. It's never moved. I turn to go into the laundry room and the entire box of Tide was all over the floor. I had to clean it up before I could get the clothes out. Sorry Nancy, getting all of this out really helps me but the end result was - I was angry I had to put my own underwear in the dryer! This is what I deal with. The fun part was, when I busted into the bedroom he did jump about 3 feet. :)
Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I'm sorry, just trying to get back into the "waiting room"

It's a good thing you both are in counseling - that may help you both to get passed some of the nager. The anger between you is clear.

My first suggestion is to stop expecting your happiness to come from him - create your own internal happiness, and if it's genuine, he can't shake it.

Secondly, don't expect things from him - like that he'll do your laundry - be responsible for yourself.

Finally, work on YOU, don't focus on him - focus on you, your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and life - the more focus you place on him the more crazy you will feel - so focus on you and how you behave, how you just need to be for you. Don't REACT to other people - just act in a manner which you are proud of at all times.

Nancy

Nancy
Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience: ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
Verified
Nancy and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Nancy,
I don't expect my happiness to come from him. I can't. I wouldn't have survived this long if I expect that from anyone. I realized with our therapist that I have never had anyone ask or check in to see how I am. I just want to get off the rollercoaster and find a man who can be respectful, thoughtful and loving - consistently.

I've never expected him to do my laundry. Remember, I was sick for 3 years, he has his own closet with his own door. Getting off of the couch, realizing we've become empty nesters has made it hard for me to get into the groove of 'taking care of'.

How can I not focus on him? I was so unbelievably happy last year until 5 days before our 27th anniversay. He popped up and asked me for a divorce! Well, he took that one back of course, but then asked again 3 weeks later. I know to be 'psychologically' correct my answer should be I let my happiness go. I believe that to a point. But, honestly? He took it. I'm working so hard to get that back. It just isn't happening. I guess dodging bullets takes something out of me. I'm definately heading down.
.
After dealing with my alcholic son and my husband for years, I've learned how to shut down and not 'react'. I let things sit in the back of my head for a few days so I can figure out how to say something without walking on glass. I'm sorry I haven't made myself clear but you really don't know much about me. Maybe this helps and maybe I will be more clear with my needs from you instead of just venting.

I will understand if you don't reply. Well, maybe to at least say, you have nothing to say!
Sandi

Hi Sandi,

Do you just want to leave him?

Nancy

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Million dollar question. Yes. No. Scared. Relieved. Would love to be alone. Would love to have a marriage work. So, when is the time to decide? Do I spend maybe even years trying to make it work? Or, do I take years to make me work? Do I have him move out? Do I have him move to the guest bedroom? He can say no. I don't want to leave. I want him to leave.

By now you can feel and see my anger and frustration over all of this. And it all started June 22, 2008. Five days before our 27th anniversary. I lost, sad, scared.....

That is THE question Nancy. Apparently, only I should know the answer but I sure wish it would clobber me on the head.

Yeah.... it will *never* clobber you over the head.... it's a decision you have to make based on what you want for yourself. It's never an easy decision, but it's not impossible.

I can see your anger and frustration... if you were to put that aside, it sounds like you want it to work more than you want it to end - but that you fear or believe that he wants to it to end more than he wants it to work.

Nancy

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
After last weekend I went in a literally said I'm done. Had to explain that he was the roller coaster and I was the rider. I want off. On our therapists list of: Needs, Wants, Would like or Wishes my husband said Wants. I said Wishes. He tried to ask me a question and I said look I'm on the island of wishes, we don't know what we want. :) He has NEVER stated that before. I've been the one with more hope. And now that I come to...'the dark side' he moves? What the hell is that? It's kind of like 'I want a divorce'. WHAT?

You could always try a trial separation... would that work to help you decide?

Nancy

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Now that I've had a few minutes to think, that is something to seriously consider. I think/hope I can bring this up and actually discuss what might be the best move for both of us. I he can't decide, I feel I will.

Nancy, when you saw that it was me where you able to reference our old conversation so you knew a place to start? Or just jogged your memory?

Anyway, with your patience you have 'hit the nail on the head'. A direct question at the right time. I have actions to take and thinking to do thanks to you. I can't thank you enough and will let you get back to your evening.

Thank you doesn't seem to be enough Nancy. I really appreciate your patience and the fact that you responded back after all that anger!

Very Sincerely,
Sandi
Have a great weekend

When I saw your name, I remembered who you were - but looked up our old conversation just to be sure. I know you are hurting and I can really appreciate that even in that pain, you are reaching out and that deserves recognition.

You deserve better that what you have right now....

Nancy

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
I agree, I deserve better. Thank you again. Even for recognizing my inner turmoil and pain. I'll say good night and thank you again for being available and here for me.
Sandi
Nite
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago
Very comforting to know, thank you,
Sandi

You are welcome and I hope to hear back from you soon!

Nancy

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Nancy
Nancy
Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
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Experience: ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years

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