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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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My husband and I have no relationship anymore. We live like

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have no sexual relationship anymore. We live like roommates, we are friends but there is nothing more. We have been married for 14 years and have two children. I am a stay home mom and most of the responsibilty for raising our children has fallen on me. I take care of our home, the yard and even pack his lunch for him. Early in our marriage I had an emotional relationship with another man, my husband has said he forgives me and for a long time we were ok. His behavior has changed in the last couple of months. When I asked him about it he said he is unhappy with himself and has no sexual desire. The problem with that is he appears to have desire but not with me, he looks at porn and sends many text messages to two old friends from school, both women, 400 messages in a weeks time, which he says is innocent but never mentioned them to me until I saw the phone bill. I am at a loss, I am unhappy with the way things are and want our marriage back. I want to have an intimate relationship with him but will never measure up to a woman in a magazine and will never be able to take him back to his high school days. He is 39 and I am 37. Please help!
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 8 years ago.
HelloCustomer- thanks for getting in touch.

It would help me to give you a more balanced answer if you could tell me:-

1. If you are aware of anything significant that happened (in the family, at home or at his work) around the time his behaviour started to change?

2. Is thtere anything else about his behavior that seems different (appetite, irritability, sleep pattern, moodiness, putting things off, withdrawing socially, for example?)

3. Is he taking any medication for anything?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
To my knowledge there is nothing significant that happened at work and nothing has changed at home or with his family. He is estranged from his father, his dad is an alcoholic, sober for 20 years but none the less. He had no relationship with his dad from the time he was very young until the year before we got married. He then reestablished a relationship with him only to have his father back away from him again a few years after our son was born, so approximately 6years ago with no apparent reason. His mother has a second family and that is her focus so his only real family ties are with my family, my parents in particular.

He is very irritable, the one emotion he expresses is anger. He was not raised in a family that ever outwardly shows their love for each other, I was raised completely opposite. He sleeps all the time. If he sits down in the chair he will fall asleep so many nights are spent with the kids and I hanging out and him sleeping in the chair, he doesn't have energy to do anything it seems. On the weekends he will sleep up to 12 hours a night. That is not behavior that has changed though, through out our marriage he has always needed a lot of sleep. He is very much a loner, but was not when we got married. He was the fun outgoing guy and now he says he doesn't feel like he can be himself with me but he can be at work. I don't know exactly when that changed but it seems like he changed a lot when our children came along, 13 years ago. He is the primary financial support of the family, but that was a choice we made together.

He takes no medication for anything.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 8 years ago.
Looking at what you tell me, I think that you husband is in need of a good physical evaluation first of all to see if there is any physiological cause of his lack of interest in sex, his irritability, and his long sleep periods.

Secondly, it may be that his problem is psychological in origin (I suspect that that is the case), and that would probably become clear during his physical evaluation. If that is the case, it can be dealt with by adequate medication.

Thirdly, his looking at porn and his emailing may be a reaction to fear of what is happening to him, something which he probably does not understand.

Finally, it is most important at the moment to keep up open, honest communication. Tell him what you want without anger or blame, and reassure him that he is the man you want it with. I rather think that realtionship counselling may be extremely useful for both of you, and I would strongly advise that you consider going down this route, sooner rather than later.

Just one last thing, - remember that you can give him more than any 'woman in a magazine' - you can give him love, and he needs that.

Best regards,
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