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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Why does a "very important busy father" make his adult

Resolved Question:

Why does a "very important busy father" make his adult children go thru the mom (who also serves as his secretary)for any communication with him. She then reports his answers back to the kids. Does this sound weird?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 8 years ago.
Hi and welcome,
What you are describing is a person who either relies on his wife to take care of everything for him, a mother who keeps the children at bay as a way of maintaining her position as his right hand woman or a woman who finds her self esteem anchored in being his "go though" person.
Another reason may be, and this happens to a lot of people in glorified positions frequently, he could be a narcissus, that is a very self centered individual who sees the world as something that revolves around him and therefore he is way too important to deal with the kids personallly.
If your daughter's boyfriend is saddened by this then he should take it upon himself to talk to his father directly and tell him how he feels about having to go through mom. Without knowing the dynamics of the family if he tells him and he responds positively, something like, didn't know I was doing this, or never knew it bothered you, then look to the mother and the above reasons. I hope this helps
Dr. Keane
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you so much Dr. Keane. The father is very much aware at how upset this kid becomes but still the mom says that he insists that all communication go thru her. Just as an onlooker with my daughter, we think the issue is the mom. He is her first born son with a very successful girlfriend (my daughter) My goodness, I have been divorced for 15 years and still refer my daughter to her Dad for things that I don't have answers to. Oh well, I feel sorry for this boy. He is sweet in nature.
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Well, I don't have any idea what the problem is, but I made the boy chicken soup to cheer him up !!!
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 8 years ago.
If Dad is aware of how upset he gets then shame on him. I would almost guess then that it's not only mom then. If he treats his son this way you can be sure, or almost sure that the mother is placating dad by being the go between. You do not know how he treats her when they are alone. Narcissistic personalities can be charming, but underneath look out. You might suggest to your daughter that he talk to a therapist so that he can understand the dynamics of his family.
I wish them the best.
Dr. Keane
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