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Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience:  ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
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Why can't I let go of him.

Customer Question

Why can't I let go of him.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.


Trauma in a relationship takes a lot of time to get over, expecially when it's sudden. Sometimes we get into relationships where we let go of friends and when he leaves, we are left with little or nothing. Sometimes we put too much of ourselves into it and when he leaves, it feels like he's taken it all with him.

It takes a lot of *conscious* effort to put our lives back together. We have to place limits on ourselves-- like only allowing ourselves to think about him for a specific time each day -- say 15 minutes of nothing but thoughts of him -- then consciously avoiding thoughts of him when it pops into our head.

Only allow yourself to think about the bad times-- not the good times.

All those things everyone says, like, join a support group -- THAT HELPS!

Join a book club if you like to read -- or start a walking club with friends.

Take a class in something you've always wanted to learn - like Japanese cooking. All these little things add up to take up all the old "him" time. Maybe someof it it totally LAME, but do it anyway-- it's better for you than sitting around being angry, sad, crying and drinking. If any of that worked -- you'd be over him by now.

I hope this helps...


Customer: replied 8 years ago.

He and I never had any friends it was always just us. I love to dance and he and I would always go dancing, but now I run into them when I go out, All the place I used to go before I met him turned into our places to go, now those places seem to have become their places. I live in Atlanta and you would think there would be a ton of "other" places I could go, but there really are only a few that don't cater to the young people. I'm too old to be hanging out with young folks. I don't want to stop going out for fear of him coming into my head again. But I don't know how to act when I see them dancing and having fun. It makes me jealous, so I leave and go home and cry somemore. I'm 51 I feel like something is wrong with me. Not because he left me, but because I feel like I'm not handling this maturely. I confronted the woman last week, she didn't know that he and I were together. I wanted her to know about me. Then I felt stupid.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
I'm not sure you got my response
Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.

I agree with you -- don't stop going out. You need that.

Okay -- so maybe you aren't handling this maturely ... so what? You are hurt, and angry and shocked. Get it out of your system -- maybe you already have, after confronting her?

Nobody really deals with a breakup well... they are hard! Maybe now, with these feelings of remorse -- you can start to let go a little more. I can't imagine she will stay with him after finding out he cheated on you with her -- that ought to make her feel prettybadly as well.

But keep hanging on... you will get through this with support, and being easy on yourself. You need time to grieve and heal from this trauma. What he did to you was wrong -- don't just try to get over it and expect it will all go well -- expect you will have a hard time. Allow that.


Nancy and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

When I found out I plotted an evil plan. I was going to get him to break up with her to come back to me and then kick him to the curb. I know he is very jealous when I dance with other men. We broke up a couple of years ago, I wanted him back so I used what I know to manipulate him back to me, it worked for a shorttime anyway. He's been in constant contact via email since the confrontation so I know I could do it again and there in lies the problem in my head, I'm plotting my revenge. I'm obsessing. I'll do what you say and try to only think of him a short time and only the bad things, God knows there is an abundance of those after ten years. Thank you.

Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.

Those plans ultimately backfire on us -- and just make us look good. But I think the reason why we do all that in our head is to keep the relationship alive -- it keeps us from accepting it might be over.

For little bits at a time, allow yourself to imagine how good your life could be without him.

And also -- make a list of all the bad times or bad things he's done, or thing you really hate. Then, one by one, write them down with a statement that says something like, "I am letting this go now", or "I say goodbye to that" ... something along those lines.


Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Nancy thank you, ***** ***** really smart advice. I'm going to do just that. You've helped me half way believe I'm not some warped crazy woman. I was thinking I was the only person who thought like that. He's tried to convince me I'm a nut case and I think it was working. I was just so angry I couldn't keep it in so it spilled out in a very un graceful way. He'll never change and she's done me a favor really,

He hardly ever worked so I've be pulling this wagon alone for a very long time, but "I Loved Him" Oh, boy I need my head examined.LOL

You don't have to reply to this I'll hit accept. It really just felt better to talk to someone. There is a singles mixer tonight. I wasn't going to go but now I think I shower get dazzling and step back out.

Thank you for being here. I'll check back should I need some emotional propping up again. I'm sure there will be ebbs and flows with this, today was a big ebb.

Than you again and have a nice day


Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.

You are an awesome woman! You deserve the best... have a fantastic time tonight!!!

Nancy :-)