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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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I know the story is as old as time, but I still am

Resolved Question:

I know the story is as old as time, but I still am struggling with the fact that a guy dumped me because I told him I would not have sex with him anymore. He has a family that is so INCREDIBLY obviously the most important thing in his life (which it should be, but why did he take up with me - I know, to use me for those pieces of his life that were incomplete). I want to end this. I have been in this for 1-1/2 years, and feel tormented every day by being at his convenience and on the back burner. When I tell him, he gives me the typical, "you are always on my mind...." and all that "crap." Maybe so, but in what capacity? Anyway, how do I deal with this? His moods and convenience swings so much, and having Major Depression myself, am really taking on too much. Pretty damning, though, because I thought I had made a friend, but now realize sex was my reason for being in his life.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.
Hi Marylee,

I appreciate the difficulty of your situation and the pain you are going through trying to separate yourself from this man. I think you probably stay because he is giving you just enough to make it worth it to you. I know you do not believe the lies he is telling you about how he feels about you, but I think somewhere inside you wish they were true. However, I would have to agree with your gut feeling, which is that he is just saying what he needs to say in order to get sexual gratification. It sounds like he is all about himself and will do whatever he needs to do in order to convince you that he is legitimate. Given your low self-esteem, it is especially hard for you to walk away from this relationship. I know you may not feel like you deserve better sometimes, but no one deserves to be treated like this. You are worth more than just your body! If a man treats you like a piece of meat that he talks nice to, you do not need to be in that relationship. I suggest that you go to see a clinical psychologist to get some support throughout this process. I believe that you need to end this relationship, but I think you need to talk about this some more with a psychologist before taking action. If you do decide to move on, you could really use the help and support of a therapist. I tried to be as honest and straight forward as possible with this answer. I hope you did not find it to be offensive.

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for your honesty. I do see a therapist, and we have talked about it. My therapist is even a man who actually knows "how men are." Today, I notice that (and this has happened a few times before in the past year) I am physically sick over this. Sure, it might be the flu, but I don't think so. It feels like the nausea one has when they have a broken heart. Plus, it is nauseating for me, being a female and not understanding the "drive" men can have when they want sex, to think that a person can be this selfish and shallow. It purely is sickening to me. Getting back to making the break, get this, he acts like he will be hurt and will miss me. And, still, even knowing all this about men act, it can pull at my heart strings. I am really screwed up. When I have logical moments and he tells me this type of thing, I tell him to go to his wife and get the "attention" both physically and emotionally he is using me for. He says she does not respond. I have to stop having that be my problem. They need counselling, or live and die in a cold relationship which he has pretty much gotten used to until I came along to fill in those couple of missing pieces. How can I get rid of this nausea? I know it just takes "time," but sometimes I am scared that it is killing me, which it might be.
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.
Hi Marylee,

Your nausea is likely the result of your anxiety about the situation. Folks who experience anxiety and tend to obsess are more likely to develop physical reactions like nausea. Frankly, this whole situation is wrong and it is eating you up from the inside out. I think you need to move on from this man, who is clearly a manipulative narcissist, bordering on psychopathy. He is living a double life and is getting the best of both worlds. You are enabling him to continue to destroy himself and his marriage. Your nausea may also have to do with your guilt about be involved with a married man, regardless of what he tells you about the marriage. He is playing you and taking advantage of you. Ask yourself why this is good enough treatment for you? It makes me sad to think that you would not think more highly of yourself than that. The nausea will go away when you resolve this conflict and move on from this relationship. I seriously doubt that anything else will help at this point, to be completely honest. I know this is probably hard to hear, but you really need to make a clean break from this destructive and unhealthy relationship. Find a man who is available and actually wants to spend time with you for you and not for what you can give him. Believe me...they do exist.

Please click the green ACCEPT button so that I get paid for my work. Bonuses are greatly appreciated if you found my answer worthy.
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