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JR, M.A.
JR, M.A., Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 184
Experience:  I have a master's degree in clinical psychology and am currently finishing my doctoral degree.
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This is very shaming for me but I can't find any answers or

Customer Question

This is very shaming for me but I can't find any answers or peace about the subject. I feel like I freak and could never ask anyone in person. I was rapped 3 years ago and in the last year or so I sometimes end up thinking about the rap while masterbating. Then I feel so guilty I want to die. I don't understand why I do this. How messed up am I?
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  JR, M.A. replied 8 years ago.
Hi Annon,

First of all, you are not a freak for having these feelings. Many rape survivors end up having mixed feelings towards their rapist. That is, they may identify with the rapist and find pleasure in thought of the rape in order to avoid the real pain you might feel when you think about it. This is your defensive operation that helps you cope with the overwhelming emotion involved in being hurt like that. You are not a sick are just doing the best you can to cope with what happened to you by yourself. By thinking about the rape in an erotic way, you are taking control over what happens to you symbolically. If you can enjoy it and in a way, seduce the rapist, you feel more in control. You had something terrible happen to you and it will probably take you a long time to fully recover from this incident. Your masturbation makes sense in this context. I know that you feel very embarrassed about this behavior, but I can assure you that it is fairly common. I suggest that you go to see a psychologist who specializes in psychodynamic or psychoanalytic psychotherapy. You will likely need long-term therapy to uncover all of your feelings related to this trauma. If you are willing to go to therapy for this, you can overcome this trauma. Eventually, you can have a healthy sexual relationship with someone someday. I know this is hard and you feel ashamed, but as a clinician, I would certainly not pass any judgment on you for this behavior. You are just very confused about your mixed feelings and the conflict therein. Please seek long-term psychodynamic therapy for this problem. Remember though, you are not weird or strange for engaging in this behavior. It makes sense given what you have been through.

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Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Are you sure its normal, I've never heard anything about this anywhere. I still think I'm weird. But your reply helped. I'll try to work up the nerve to get help for it. Thanks.