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Ask Dr. R. Bora Your Own Question
Dr. R. Bora
Dr. R. Bora, Doctor
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 5233
Experience:  14 years experience in the emergency room.
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My husband has been taking care of his mother for the last

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My husband has been taking care of his mother for the last several months. We are constantly at odds over this issue. I think his mother needs to be in assisted living but she refuses. She stays in a studio apartment all day and smokes like fiend. She has an issue with her groin and it hurts for her to walk. She is extremely over weight and doesn't like going out. I think she is in depression. All she does is stay in the apt, smokes, watches TV and does crosswords. She has a couple of friends who come over to visit and my husband goes over three times a week and even has to set her medication because she is not capable of doing her meds for the week.
She used to live in Florida near the other brother but he could no longer deal with it. She had a few bathroom accidents, was forgetting her meds and even blacked out during a drive. She refuses assisted living because she will need a room with a roommate. She cannot afford her own room.
I think she is being selfish because my husband has to run over there often. He says he feels good doing it. I don't think this is healthy. My husband comes home smelling like a smoke stack and I heard that it is very bad in the place. She won't even clean a few dishes. My husband does her wash, etc. Am I wrong?
Dr. R. Bora :

Hello and welcome, I am happy to help you today.

Dr. R. Bora :

Can we chat?

Dr. R. Bora :

Have you talked to your husband about your displeasure openly?

Customer:

Yes, and he says it makes him happy taking care of his mom.

Dr. R. Bora :

That is a normal answer. But has he taken her to a doctor about the groin pain?

Customer:

I just think that she is depressed. My husband doesn't tell me much.

Customer:

Yes, they got two different opinions.

Customer:

One said it was a tumor on her bladder and groin and she should have a hysterectamy

Dr. R. Bora :

What are these?Why has not he tried to treat the condition and make her self reliant?

Customer:

The other said it wasn't a tumor

Customer:

I don't think she wants to be self reliant, that is the problem

Customer:

surgery was recommended but I don't think she wants to go through the surgery

Customer:

They had it scheduled in Florida and she cancelled it.

Dr. R. Bora :

You can ask him to take his mom to an old age home for better care.

Customer:

I don't think she wants to go to rehab

Customer:

I have tried to talk to him. The mother doesn't want to go into an old age home. They said she is happy

Customer:

She told my Mom during mother's day that is was alright. My husband paints this grand picture

Customer:

He said she should live out the rest of her life where she is happy.

Customer:

She doesn't want to be around strangers or make friends.

Dr. R. Bora :

Yes, these things are sensitive and difficult to handle without hurting someone's feeling.

Dr. R. Bora :

Ok, then you could arrange a nurse or some helper for her at home.

Customer:

The other night I asked my husband if I could go with him when he was visiting her. I wasn't expecting to go inside. I wanted him to drop me off at a store. He said I couldn't go into her apt/

Customer:

She doesn't want people there.

Customer:

I asked him to get help like a nurse, or aid. That is what the initial plan was. S

Dr. R. Bora :

Do you have any idea what you would like to do?

Customer:

She doesn't want to pay and my husband does it all

Customer:

Is this normal and healthy for her to be spending a day in a smoke filled room watching TV and doing crosswords?

Dr. R. Bora :

Not at all, she could have lung cancer!You can tell your husband to bring her to your house for "better care", just wait for his answer.

Customer:

I want her to do things for herself. But my husband says she can't. He runs over there after a full day of work to fill her pills or do her shopping.

Dr. R. Bora :

Just show him that you care for her too!

Dr. R. Bora :

This way I think he will realize what he is doing..

Customer:

Her longs are clear which gave her a green light to smoke again. He won't bring her here and he knows I don't want her here. I am sorry I am probably being selfish

Customer:

I cannot have a smoker in my house and our house is too small for his mother.

Customer:

I also think she is depressed because she doesn't talk

Dr. R. Bora :

No, just pretend to show him that you care for his mom..

Customer:

I have seen her with my Mom and my mom does all the talking. She is extremely quiet and my mom said she is withdrawn.

Dr. R. Bora :

get some anti depressants for her from your GP.

Customer:

She doesn't feel depressed. She said she is happy. I keep saying how can someone be happy living like that.

Dr. R. Bora :

She would do good with some counselling like behavior therapy.

Customer:

My husband says that I am the problem and causing problems.

Customer:

When I need him, he won

Customer:

will not change plans with her. It is really getting to me.

Customer:

My husband is her favorite and never tells her like it is the way the other children will

Dr. R. Bora :

No, you have to talk to a counseller to get rid of everything.

Customer:

We should all talk to a counselor? or just me?

Dr. R. Bora :

You should talk privately because your husband will not go with you initially.

Customer:

So it is your opinion that a person living like this isn't healthy right?

Dr. R. Bora :

Yes.

Dr. R. Bora :

He / she will talk with you and help you in every situation.

Customer:

I think it is going to come to this. I would like to speak with his sister too when she visits.

Customer:

My husband allows her to do whatever she wants.

Dr. R. Bora :

A counseller is the only solution for you and your family problem.

Customer:

I think he feels guilty because his father was never around. He was a good provider for the mother but the mother basically raised five kids on her own. I have heard from people that she complained all the time. My husband said his mother had a terrible life.

Customer:

Thank you for your time.

Dr. R. Bora :

Your husband will not take any help / advice from you but will surely listen to a counsellor.

Dr. R. Bora :

May God Bless you.

Dr. R. Bora and 2 other Health Specialists are ready to help you
May God Bless You.

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