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Family Physician
Family Physician, Doctor (MD)
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 5660
Experience:  Emergency Medicine and Family Practice for over 26 years
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I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a yr now.

Customer Question

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a yr now. When we had gotten together we both agreed on having sex with other people (couples). I have no problem with it. But he is obsessed with doing this all the time. On occasions I have found him masterbating to porn. He has also tried to have sex with other women without me. I have spoken to him about this and thought that we had agreed to do this together. He is very obsessed with this and I'm getting overwhelmed with it. I don't mind doing this on occasions but all the time it too much for me. My question is how can I deal with this in a none arguing manner. Everything else in our relationship is good.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Health
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Hi--can you tell me how the conversation has gone when you talk to him about this?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

After finding out that he has tried to have sex with other women yes I was upset...but thought about it before I have spoke to him and tried to keep my composer. Have asked him in a good manner (I thought was a good manner) if we could just have sex with other couples not without each other. And on the masterbating I got very upset because I have had other men in my past marrages do this and it makes me feel very unwanted. Then I did loose my cool. After I had cooled off I tried to talk to him and he at the time seemed to understand. But I really am not sure if he does, because he is always on the computer after he gets home from work looking for sex (every day) sometime 4 or 5 times a night.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
You mentioned the word obsessed when talking about him--do you think he might have a problem?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

yes I do, I don't know how to talk to him about this without him getting upset about it. I care a lot about him and I don't want to loss him. He is a very good man. Is there any way I can talk to him about not doing this so much without telling him he needs help?

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Can I ask what he said when you brought up his masturbating to porn?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

He didn't say anything. I had asked him if he wanted to know why it upset me so. I told him the reason why it upset me, that it made me feel unwanted, and his reply was he does want me. But he still is going on sites to find sex

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
OK. So he made no attempt to say anything like he wouldn't do it again?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

no he didn't.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Would you consider--in a calm way--telling him that his doing that is a deal breaker for you as far as your relationship goes?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have already told him that if we can't do this together then I don't want to do it at all. Yes I have told him I would leave him and he flipped out on me.

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Flipped out how exactly?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

he started yelling he was sick of me telling him I was going to leave him. Yes this is not the first time I've told him I was going to leave. This is not the first time I've talked to him about his. He didn't hit me of nothing like that. I wouldn't put up with him hitting me.

I have just a few minutes left her before he gets home tonight.

I would like to know how I can handle this with out us arguing and me telling him I'm leaving. because I don't want to do that. I really love him, I just can't handle the continuous sex obsession everyday. Once in a while is ok with me, I have told him this. I would like to know how to tell him without all the arguing & him going astray to other women behind my back. Because he would do that so he could have sex with other women. I have no problem with us swinging with other couple but not all the time. How can I tell him this?

Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 4 years ago.
Sorry for the delay--I had to be away for a time. When you can get back to me, just one more question--so far as you can say, your relationship is fine except for this one part?