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MasterDoc
MasterDoc, Doctor (MD)
Category: Health
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Experience:  Emergency Physician for 20 years
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My husband is obsessed with kinky sex, he wants to watch me

Customer Question

my husband is obsessed with kinky sex, he wants to watch me have sex with other women. I do not care to do this. He tells me I don't care about him because I won't do this. At one time I did tell him I would, however, that was 20 years ago and now I want to focus on us. I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Health
Expert:  MasterDoc replied 8 years ago.
This is a difficult matter to deal with. FIrst of all, I wouldn't want you to think of your husband as "deviant" since he is interested in this. IT is a VERY common fantasy and some married couples report that such activities bring them closer together; it is not incompatible with the two of you focusing on each other. Saying that, however, does NOT excuse his attempt at emotional blackmail "if you care about me you would do this". This could easily be turned around for you to say "if you care about me you wouldn't be coercing me to do this". The decision is yours. You need to discuss this as calmly as possible, if necessary with the aid of a therapist.
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Customer: replied 8 years ago.

I understand some couples do this, however I'm not into kinky, especially when this is the most important thing in life to him. He wants me to find someone for us to have a three some. He wants to watch me have sex with other women. This is not something I want to do and he tells me because at one time I told him I would do this act and now I haven't found anyone to do this with he calls me a liar, screams and yells at me, doesn't want to have any kind of sex with me (unless it is kinky (his kind of kinky). I'm at my wits end. I cannot reason with him at all. Any suggestions?

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
It's not that I just didn't like your answer. However, my husband is very complicated. It's not that he just wants to be kinky. It's become an obsession with him, and I have done numerous kinky acts with him for just about the 40 years I've been with him. When we're not being kinky he talks about it excessively. He critiques all the sexual acts I do for him. He never initiates sex. I have to "make thinks happen." We have specified days in which we have to be kinky (starting from when we come home from work). If we go to bed first, and then try to be kinky, then he gets extremely angry because we were not kinky prior to going to bed. There is so much more. Approx. 20 years ago we were invited to go to a wedding. Our teenage children were not invited. My husband did not want to attend. I wanted to attend because I had an opportunity to see family members I had not seen in a very long time, also one of my aunts was going to be there, her health was failing (she passed away two weeks after) and I knew that would probably be the last time I saw her. Anyways, I promised him I would have a threesome with him if he would go (I didn't care if he didn't attend without me, however I knew from past experience that if I tried to go he would do something to me to make me not go). At the time he was not only verbally abusive but physical as well (that has ended). So, we went to the wedding. I haven't been able to fullfil his fantasy of a threesome. He as harrassed me about this since and will not let it go. I did try to make it happen for him but have been unsuccessful. He wants me to get a prostitute which I refuse to do.
Expert:  MasterDoc replied 8 years ago.
Kinky acts of all kinds (some truly mind-blowing) are done by many couples. However, there is a component of such acts that is lacking in your case: consent. Ideally that consent is given because it is something that is exciting to BOTH participants ( or all in the case of more than 2 people). Second best is when one person finds it neutral or only mildly distasteful and goes along because of a desire to make the other person happy. This is also acceptable and this is what you seem to be doing with him regularly. Then there is the point at which it becomes unhealthy: the point at which one partner is being clearly coerced into doing something that they find totally offensive. This is clearly the case with your husbands desire to have a threesome. You were blackmailed into agreeing originally and made some effort to fulfill your (extorted) promise. I'm not sure there IS any brilliant way to handle this. It is obvious that you want to keep the relationship going long-term (and are willing to make sacrifices to do so) while he prioritizes his desires over your relationship. And, as I'm sure you have considered; even if you were to do this once it would surely NOT end there. Therapy is the only possible way to deal with this. Couples therapy would be ideal if he would go; if not going alone might help you. Please do NOT be embarrassed to be explicitly clear about what is involved if you talk to a therapist; most have heard pretty much everything.
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Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Thank you for your answer. It makes me feel better to know I am not completely an uncaring person like my husband keeps telling me. My self esteem has really been compromised. Thank you again.