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For expert: since this guy started withdrawing, it kind of…

For expert Martin: Hey since this...
For expert Martin:
Hey since this guy started withdrawing, it kind of reminds me the same kind of feeling I had in the past when it leads to the breakup. He started blowing hot and cold then. This time I told him to not do any hot and cold but rather tell me directly. He agreed and is firm he has nothing against and I am over analyzing. This time the withdrawal also started triggering anxiety with me like last time.The possible reasons for the withdrawal are:
1. The video make him feel sour, jealously or insecure
2. The video reintrigued his existing desire of wanting to date more women. Especially he mentioned girls a few times now which is atypical
3. The job loss depresses him. Did you say the more he fails the quicker he will mature and be ready?So what do you think? What should I do in the current situation? Wait for him to turn around or spend more effort on heightening his feelings for me?
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3/6/2018
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You may need to talk to a psychology or counselor for your situation.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Hi this question is for expert Martin.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Could you please release the question? Thanks!

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Martin
Martin, Engineer
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"and I am over analyzing"
I noticed you tend to do that. In reality you under analyse. You put me a list of possible reasons but their is tons more, you can't pust something so subjective to a simple choice possibility cause scenario. Life is more complex that this.

Let's take them one by one for the sake of it.

1- If this is what make it sour, what would happen if you eventually have kids and one trow the wiimote right into the brand new 88 inch 4K TV? One need to go above little things like that and see the big picture, living on small detail level like that is a receipe for depression in the long run.

2- Men, if not gay, want women all the time. Even if they will stay with their true love, they will try the seduction game from time to time even if they know it will lead nowere.

3- That is the most likely things in you choices. "the more he fails the quicker he will mature and be ready?" yes, and this is one already. The more it happen, the more he will see a pattern emerge and be able to correct himself (or adapt to the situation).

Wait for him to turn around. You can't catch a fish by always yanking on the perch, eventually you need to let the bait standing still or the fish will find it weird and ignore the stimuli.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
1. Overanalyzing
- It could go both ways: over analyzed or exactly the truth. Last time before brokeup, he started blowing hot and cold. When I asked he told me nothing to do with me. He even got sick then to use that as an excuse to distancing me. Eventually he told me he was thinking about us but he wasn't sure yet so he can't tell me. The reason of breakup is he said is because of him, I am perfect, he is just not a relationship material. He said it sounds like cliche but it is not, he is telling the truth. Eventually he admitted he wasn't giving the true reason. He brokeup because of our fights. He just gave that reason to have an easy exit.So as you can see he lies. So he says I am overanalyzing, he says he has nothing against me. But who knows if he is lying again. Only time can tell.2. they will try the seduction game from time to time even if they know it will lead nowere.
- Are you saying they will game with no actual cheating, or you are referring to real cheating?3. When I first met him, he used to say he is going to be rich, he is going to be a millionaire all the time. Toward later stages of dating, he no longer says it anymore. Probably the lack of cash due to being a no income student smashed his confidence. Also I am in a social circle much more prominent than his (despite his family is not poor, and I think better than middle class, he never gives a rich kids kind of pride or vibe. He is also frugal and not over spending on his parents' money. It might be because his country is socialism so everyone is equal.). Last week I mentioned the party I am going to guys have to pay $250 and it is not for just general people, I don't know if that even smashed his ego more (I didn't try to make him feel like I am judging him. I am just talking about a fact).Wait for him to turn around
- What literally do you mean: don't chase and wait till weekend to call him? Or if he doesn't contact me this weekend, I shouldn't too?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
His dad is more like a grassroot businessmen with a construction company. So they are more like the next door type of millionaire rather than high society type. That might be why he feels more like a regular middleclass type when it comes to social status (although ego wise he has quite some pride giving that he is narcissistic).

"blowing hot and cold"
In thermodymamic it is common to see instability in a complex but apparently stable system before a big disturbance happen. Earth quake for example have small ones before the big. Humans are a complex system.

"Are you saying they will game with no actual cheating"
No cheathing, like often a house cat will catch a mouse and play with it but will not eat it.

He may not actually want to be rich for himself but to please his father (that happen a lot). It is hard to become a millionaire without steping on many heads and he don't like conflict... I found it is lot easier to be happy than to be millionaire and happiness have a ceiling not that hard to reach, so being millionaire way overshoot that limit (lot of trouble for not much return). In my opition, being millionaire is only an option if you value security or power over happyness.

As for when to call him, you can let a month pass. Depressive state should have dissipated by then if it was caused by the job loss only.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
34;blowing hot and cold"
- So now you see something is coming?you can let a month pass
- This basically means I am giving him a one month time window to mess with other girls and let other girls into his life. He hasn't been dating much since been dealing with me. If I quit, his mind is no longer occupied.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Most guys would want to be achieving and look great in the eyes of their family. I disagree being millionaire is unhappy. I think whether you drive Mercedes or Kia, they both get you to the destination, the difference is Mercedes are much more nicer and comfortable, and therefore more pleasant to ride in. I think finance brings freedom. People without money struggle a lot and don't have as much happiness. I think upper middle class and above would be desirable. Middleclass and below you will have some struggle. What you are talking about is some people not happy with their life with money. But not all.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Ps we don't know if it is because of the job, or because he really wants to try more girls.

Not sure if i see something comming but i know he is not happy currently and one can't stay like that for long. Some gamble in casino, some become buddist monk, some go back in school etc... but an event will happen eventually.

I don't say you can't get happy with money, i say some that don't have enjoyment out of trouble will not have a good quality/price with a life style that require chasing his tail all day long and fight every hour of a day. As for those that struggle for money, it is often because they try to get into the middle class.

As he mentioned his career as a priority i greatly thing it is job related. If it ever turn out he want to experiment with girl, so be it. He need more experience with everything and train hard. He need to be able to face drama in the eyes and say "is it all what you got?"

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I’d say it is either the job or more girls. If it is the job, shouldn’t I be there for him than vanishing? If it is girls, vanishing makes better sense if he insisted doing so. But if I could kick other girls out (like last time at his place), it is better I do that. If he insisted going with girls that is when I vanish.Unless he gets rude, not picking up phone or specifically tells me he needs space, I don’t think I need to fade out.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I think cut off makes more sense if he is not nice to me or did something to me. Otherwise it is more important to heighten the feelings rather than leave it there and dissipate again. You can only make someone want to chase after you if they have feelings for you to certain level and also they made a terrible mistake by throwing you away or mistreat you.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Ps he didn’t tell me anything about his job till on Sunday I mentioned I am reading a housewife’s book. Her husband once lost a job and he was devastated. She supported him emotionally and now he is doing very well. I tried to tell him stability of relationship and support allowed them to become successful. That might make him feel better to share the news without feeling as embarrassed
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Someone just checked my other social media around the night time he usually checks on my social media. Well could be him again.The problem would be if I continue talking to him and he continues being distancing, then I either have to confront or do like you said. The latter would be hard because I can’t drop him, which means I still lost him due to the whore.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He can be lack of confidence as well, especially he has no career right now and I have things going on
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I forgot you are a counselor in real life, or you are an artificial intelligence engineer?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
It must have hurt his feeling and ego because he told me he thinks the company will hire all of them(on trial). What should I say to comfort and show support to him?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I searched online a little bit, it seems job lose is a big deal for guys, e.g.: http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/lost-his-job-break-up/So how should I be there for him? Lol if I do the proper job in this period, maybe this is the opportunity for him to see me as the one haha :d

"I forgot you are a counselor in real life, or you are an artificial intelligence engineer?"
Artificial intelligence engineer that do a lot of counseling for companies inner working as humans are part of the whole machine and we can't isolate them out of the equation.

" it seems job lose is a big deal for guys"
Yes, very big deal. It kill their providing source material, often a social circle for them and also a sense of purpose and social acceptation.

"What should I say to comfort and show support to him?" Open doors for him, keep him interested in new projects. Make him understand that there is no small project as long as their is progression in them. That one project can lead to a greater one. That failure is an option.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Hmm I don’t know if it is AI, or simply yourself that you know well enough about the psychology of men lol.I mean emotionally how do I support him? Should I call him earlier or better call him in the weekend to give him space? I don’t know if it is ok to ask him because I don’t want to remind him pains. Maybe side kick with other people’s stories like the real housewife’s husband. I don’t think it is a good idea to be to proactive to tell him what to do or give advice on job hunting. It would make him feel that he can’t resolve the problem himself. Again I gmhave to be subtle to show that I trust and believe he can do it himself, but I will be there for him.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
You said to keep the relationship casual. So I shouldn’t write heartfelt words in his birthday video but rather keep it lightweight?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He is really lack of expertise. He wants to find a job in business. I ask him what exactly in business he wants to do, what kind of job title he wants to target, he has no idea - I mean he doesn’t even know the job titles out there. When he got this job, I ask him what does he do, he told me he’ll see, he doesn’t know yet (giving that he is a trainee, I thought maybe he is just being taught what to do). I think it could be because he doesn’t have much expertise in certain areas that he couldn’t keep the job.But he did co-owned a restaurant and managed more than 10 employees. I don’t know if this demonstrates that he is able to run a business, or it is merely because it is an easy business. He told me because it is inside a mall, so seems customers are guaranteed because most customers are one time customer. And they don’t mind paying expensive. So a pasta dish is like $18. However he did the calculation and pricing to make sure they will make money. He said he is the one helped the restaurant make money. Not all restaurants make money. But giving the convenient location of the restaurant, Maybe all mall restaurants can easily make money?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I still don’t get why failure would get him more ready for a relationship? I understand he will learn from it. And you said I should help him fail?! Lol
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He went online today in my wake time once and checked my other social media again today at his night time (always his night time) lol
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Yesterday he went online before I wake up (showing he is probably hesitating to face me) and he checked my other social media during his night time. The day before he didn’t come online but checked my social media at night time. Lol
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
It looks like he didn’t lose the job. It is just he finished his trial and the company is still deciding so he is waiting to hear back from them. He said he has been doing a good job.So it is probably true he is avoiding me online then. Today I talked about my interest in guys in his country. He is really encouraging me to find someone.It seems he is just not interested...
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
For some reason the video turned him off. Maybe he does like seeing Mr with other guys doing that.Also how do I tell him I will never give up as long as we are not getting back together? I simply can’t accept that the whore broke us up apart and he is fine with it. But I don’t want to go be him that impression i am so hard to deal with.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He might just be opening up but that video keep nd of demasculined him again and he opted to close up.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Try imagining seeing that kind of video of the girl you are into and maybe you will also not feel good about it despite it is a performance. It is hard to correlate if it is not relevant to you. Now he started talking about other girls and he is ready to check out more girls.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
What is the remedy now? Did I do something improper and failed to tied down a guy or I just triggered his underlying desire that is always there for more women?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I know what has happened!!! As I know how it feels when he talks about girls. So is how he feels when I talks about other guys now. There is a timing for making him jealous. When he is not openned jealous can get him interested. But when he is openned up to me, he wants to feel like he is the only man in the world.The day I posted the video is just the day he opened up the most. But he kind of feel embarrassed. It is making him almost associating opening up to me equals hurt, like last time. It teaches him to close up.You know Pamela Hamilton? She is the greatest modern courtesan. All rich men get attached to her because she went extremes to satisfy their needs. That is the direction I need to go now. To make myself indispensable. Make him feel like he is the best man I admire and like.So please tell me how to be like Pamela Hamilton or to be indispensable from now on lol. The jealous approach is now dated.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
But wait...if he really wants other girls that much, why whenever I am mad at him, dropping him off, or he feels like losing me, he would be check my other social media? Would do t be safe to say he is more insecure than want other girls? 3 our of 5 days this week he has been checking my social. He never does it whenever we are stable.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I asked more people. They think even it is a just a performance, it would still make him feel a bit sour and jealous, because there is no logic when it comes to feelings. And it can intrigue his interest for other women as well seeing me with other guys.Today when I started talking about guys in his country and how I was too shy and missed a guy, he also started talking about how he missed those hot girls because of courage. He is even giving me advice that I shiiid just approach guys in his country because they are shy. He asked if I made any friends at the parties during the weekend. Asked him f I am using that dating app. I asked what about you. He said he hasn’t used it for a while but he is thinking about starting using it again. LolHe is pushing me out, but behind the scenes he is checking on me and showing his insecurities. What does he really want? And does he really want other girls or he just get irritated of me talking about guys so he is getting Vong me a dose of the same kind?

Sorry for the delay, i was only comming beack to the house to sleep lately (too much work).

"I mean emotionally how do I support him?"
Compliment him on things he his good at. When a bit depress, the loop going from negative to negavive items tend to go on forever. Weekend is better.

"keep it lightweight?"
It can be deep, just that he must feel free in it at all time, he always need to be able to decide to get out in any direction, keeping a constant feeling of freedom.

"he has no idea"
He need to know what amount of money he want and in how much time, he need to know the project he want to do with that money, he need to know what he is willing to do and what not to do, he need to know his limit. Once that is set he can go on in life, no school will teach him this. Business existed from long long ago, before any business school existed, this is not a problem. If he want to be an employee, he need to stick to business where he can get close to the owner. Owners don't fear to get stepped over by a promotion and they don't care about power over employee like manager are obsessed with, they just want result.

"And you said I should help him fail?"
Not helping directly, but by not discourage him even if you know he is not ready and that he will fail. He must not use external experience but develop his own. It need to hurt really bad, sting for a long time and hit the bottom of the barrel all at once. It free a lot of "processing power" from the brain used for useless thing to real profitable and usable skills. See it as an immuno attack stimuli. It will form his character.

"tied down a guy"
That expression is part of the problem. Some keep their dog on a leashe and those always want o flee when they have a chance. Others keep them free and the do always stay neer and come back with a simple voice command. The simple difference is that one have freedom (even if he will never use it).

"Make him feel like he is the best man I admire and like."
Like i said initially: Compliment him on things he his good at.
Value his opinion, and when you are not of the same opinion, say you will think about it. Even if you are still not in accord 1-2 days later he will at least get that you weighted his point of view instead of reflected it like a shield.

"he would be check my other social media? "
Curriosity.

What he really want and the reason why he don't acheive it is because he is antagonisting with his own value. He want to be famous and rich and accepted but also don't want to cause trouble (being shy is part of it) or experience drama. He drink the american dream cool aid, something impossible to attain. don't fear about him going with another girl as long as he don't change that. Even if he want, the girl will see this relatively soon. The only girls that could cope with that are the rich one, but he will be too shy to go for those, so he end up in his current dead lock situation.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Hi no problem. Sorry I sent a bunch whenever think of something.Curiosity
- that doesn’t make sense. He is doing that whenever I am slipping away. Eg jealous, mad at him etcSo you are saying he really wants to date others rather than just saying girls to give me something back in kind (since I am talking about my crave for other guys)? I think it is push and pull. I have tried to make him jealous for a while. When he finally saw it with his eyes (the video; rather just just hearing me talking), that is the worst for him. And I hit the glass ceiling for this game. It was effective to pull him in. Now he is close already. Continue doing it will just push him away and back fire. Now is time to make him feel like the world.Ps today he has restored his online pattern after our call yesterday. I guess he realized I am not gone and I didn’t make any rich friends during the party last weekend(he asked if i made any friends and then also gave me tips on how to make friends at the party).Oh yesterday he told me he changed. He wants a long healthy life; money is not the most important thing. He hasn’t talked about the millionaire thing for a while. Ps for the first time ever yesterday, he also said he might be ok with working on a job and not necessarily want to start a business. Hmmm he always wanted to do business
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He was sick this week as well. Sounds like he is stressed out again, by me.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He calls me a friend. Just let him do it without saying anything?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
don't fear about him going with another girl as long as he don't change that.
- what do you mean?Why he is apparently jealous and insecure behind the scenes but overtly he acted like we are just friends?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He went online at my 5:40am time today and didn’t come again. Probably yesterday is because I checked my chat tool later than normal and he figured I want him to connect so he went online a few times.How do I make him know that I won’t stop talking to him as long as I am still paying for the whore. I know saying this directly wouldn’t reflect good on me. But I probably will never feel good if historically the whore still made me lose him.I am puzzled: his insecure and jealous, he calling me friend, he giving me advice on meeting someone. Which one is true:
1. He definitely wouldn’t want me anymore but just want to be nice and soft so it won’t anger me?
2. He is not ready and he is still evaluating me. He has interest but not to the point of getting back yet.

"He is doing that whenever I am slipping away."
That is the stimuli that start the curiosity. The reason why i say it is curiosity is because it is a read only action, he don't call you back about it, do not post comment etc... He simply want to know what happen next.

"Oh yesterday he told me he changed"
seem time is actually doing his work on him. Don't forget he also have experience he do not talk you about (because he is ashamed of them or he think they are minor but in fact they all add-up). What he say without saying it is that he changed from long term goal to more mid and short term goal, that is on the path to settling down.

"without saying anything?"
Exactly. Many guys don't even consider their gf a friend and it sure it nice that he see you that way. The same way not all guy consider their mother a friend.

"as long as he don't change that."
I mean as long as he does not become more realist. That said what you said about him saying he changed indicate he might now lower the bar and more girls have their chance.

"Why he is apparently jealous and insecure behind the scenes but overtly he acted like we are just friends?"
That would not be the only first sign of antagonistic behavior i see in him.

"But I probably will never feel good if historically the whore still made me lose him. "
What would? What if a building colapsed on him, would it be more "fair"? Would it make more "sense"? would it be more "precictable"? As old greek philosopher were saying: shit happen.

Definitively 2 more that 1. Remember that the he of the past is not the same as the he of the present that is not the same of the he of the future. The whole equation is changing with time.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Actually I just called him and he doesn’t seem to be in the mood. Eventually he told me he is not in a good mood because of the sickness. He said we can talk another day.I know I might be sensitive. But I just want to be clear on whether he is interested or not at all. Him talking to me for 50 mins a time and twice a week means he is interested. But right after breaking up and I wasn’t happy, he would also talk to me for hours. We did it a few times till he said we should never talk again because I was always blaming him. After breaking up, he asked if I want him to call me every day. He can do that. I didn’t let him to which was a mistake. So I don’t know if now he is willing to talk to me means he is interested or it is just his personality. But him checking me on the other social media and Jim getting sick all means he got insecure and jealous.Curious
- it is more than that. He checks my instagram everyday, which is curiousness. But he only checks my Facebook (I call the other social media) when he feels like losing me. E.g he checks my Facebook when last year I didn’t talk to him for 4 weeks angering that he wouldn’t meet me. I finally called him and he acted super nice to give me positive reinforcement that he wants me to call. Then a week later it is thanksgiving, when I didn’t call him and he is afraid I will left him hanging again, he stopped getting on the chat tool and he started check my Facebook everyday of that thanksgiving weekend till I finally contacted him on Sunday. Then he checked when I told him I am dating guys in his country. Then after the video post. So Facebook checking has nothing to do with curiousity but always associated with some heightened situation of losing me.that is on the path to settling down.
- why willing to be an employee is settling down direction?Why is it nice that he calls me a friend? He is basically saying we are not dating.That would not be the only first sign of antagonistic behavior i see in him.
- so how to work this out?Shit happens
- yes but I have a very persistent personality so I can spend lengthy amount of time to seek justification. But I just wonder how to make him get the idea I will never quit without making him perceive I am a troubled person?Definitively 2 more that 1.
- while it is comforting that you said this. But how can you be so definitely sure?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Oh you said short term goal is more in the direction of setting down. He said all his friends except one guy and me are in relationships and sonecalready have kids.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Before I met his family he told me his mother is a very nice person. His mom liked me and she was a bit sad when he told her he is breaking up with me. Then after all the rages revenges, I called his parents. His mom was so surprised and happy that I called. The second time I called her she even returned my phone call and super energetic and happy (considering what I have done to her son; even he probably earned it :). So I’d say his mom is a super nice and happy person.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I think the work stress is there too since the company didn’t say if they will hire or rejected him yet. Or maybe they never will say anything. He was probably too optimistic thinking they all will be hired.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I am also afraid he has gotten to the point where he feels like he can’t keep spending time and energy on talking to me (in the 1 case when he wants to venture other women), but he doesn’t or don’t want to tell me directly that we should stop talking like this. Today he wasn’t patient and shhh-ed on the phone a lot. He said he is sick and not in the mood, one can’t be happy all the time. I hope he is honest rather than he doesn’t want to be rude to tell me he doesn’t want to regularly talk to me.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Since he already gave me advice and encouraged me to find other guys, and said he wants to date (if weren’t to make me jealous), he might hope I will get the idea to leave him alone and he is trying to fade out gradually as well.I am not sure what is going on now...
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
How can I also make him realize if he go for other girls, it might be the last straw for me.Can I just say I will always talk to him because of the White issue but I probably will never date him again if he’d go for another?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Whore issue*
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
if it is my video causing the trouble, maybe I should post his photo on my instagram on his birthday and hopefully it will help drag him back wherever he had roamed.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Maybe it is really that video triggered his emotions what he would be missing if he doesn’t experience more girls. He already started gradual pulling away, today he showed impatience and annoyance (although he said it has nothing to do with anyone). And maybe it won’t be far away before he finally speak it out that he wants a stop on the regular conversation.The thing is it could go both ways: it is really just himself or it could be me but he is not fully ready to say it out yet.What should I do?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I remember when prince William was pulling away from Kate. She also thought he was just busy and no big deal. But it turns out he was trying to call it a quit as his tension is building up with all the commitment pressure and fear of her safety.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I am going to bring up that performance because I invited him. I even invited to be on stage. I will just then try to say how I was not willing to hold hand or dance with some of the guys (which is true) to make him realize it is just a show not a real enjoyment.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
The first time he started thinking about whether he should stay with me or not, he also got sick (because of the stress of figuring out whether I am the one he should commit to) but he blamed it to the travel (which is part of it but the stress probably is another bigger factor). Eventually you know it is because he is trying to figure things out.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Do I need to say?: hey I know you’re feeling not so well recently. You said it has nothing to do with me. But in any case if you do, please just know there is definitely some misunderstanding...
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
The company is asking him to go back to work. He will call me on Thursday so we can have a conversation on why he has been a little distance/off recently.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Ps just in case on Thursday he says the reason he pulled back is because he feels like want to date again so he has to be less available to me, how should I respond so he can’t succeed? He hasn’t implied that as he swears his distance has nothing to do with me. But I have to be well prepared. Date others could also mean has nothing to do with me.The reason I can’t let him succeed is because I know I will never pay for the whore so there is no way I will ever fade out. Accepting this would be much more difficult and tragic than hanging onto him. So I have to come up with a strategy.Plan a would be I made him feel so good that he wouldn’t even want to do this.
Plan b would be if a fails, I will still have a way to hang onto him. He is my ultimate therapy for all the white has done so I can’t leave him alone.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
When he asked if I m still using the dating app, I asked how about him. He said he hasn’t used for a while and is planning to try again. Do you think he was insecure when asking if I m using the dating app, or he is hoping I am dating so he can do so as well? He asked if I made any friends at the party- is this a sign of his insecurity that I might meet some guy there? In the meanwhile he is giving me advice on how to approach guys. I mentioned I missed a guy in his country because of being shy. He said he missed a lot of hot girls as well. Lol with all the contradictory, which is the truth?- he fears losing me or he wants to date others lol?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Could you please let me know?!

" why willing to be an employee is settling down direction?
"
Because it reduce risk, give more time outside work... all basic conditions to be able to rise a familly.

"Why is it nice that he calls me a friend?"
Being a friend is the base you attach the lover extention on it, they are not two separate things you have to choose exclusively.

"- so how to work this out?"
Talking logic.

"But I just wonder how to make him get the idea I will never quit "
The first thing i got in mind was this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gz1i7KSNxbc
synopsis here under the "Hans My Hedgehog" section:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Storyteller_(TV_series)

"while it is comforting that you said this. But how can you be so definitely sure?"
Again you give me a choice between two thing, of the two i am more sure because as i always said, he would not communicate with you at all by now if it was just to make a smooth transition to fade away.

"except one guy and me "
That is what time does.

"How can I also make him realize if he go for other girls, it might be the last straw for me"
If you love him you should be able to wait that he get another gf and that he fail with her also and perhaps come back to you. Getting with another gf is one of the step to learning by failing.

"speak it out that he wants a stop on the regular conversation. "
Those things can last forever when two are far away, eventually you run out of thing to say

"What should I do?"
take a break. I told you one a week conversation is enough and 30 min is enough if you prepared the call in advance to know what you wanted to talk about.

"it is just a show "
He know that already, you overthink the situation.

"Accepting this would be much more difficult and tragic than hanging onto him". Sadly this is the major thing you have to accept to make getting back with him easier. It probably happen with lot of little things you have in your life (not wanting to let go some things or idea and settle for compromise) and it create drama for others.

"He asked if I made any friends at the party"
At the frequency your are communicating right now, it is bound to happen. you will eventually touch every subject on earth :)

"he fears losing me or he wants to date others "
He does not fear losing you, he know he can get back with you anytime. He need to find by himself trough experiment what it is to live with other women. His ideal women (his mother) is the target, you being different were not ideal so now he need a better sense of scale between that is perfect, great, acceptable, mediocre or just plain bad.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Talking logic.
- You want me to tell me or make him realize he is contracting with himself so he will change?I do think it is the video. It is just a show yes. But emotions are not that logic. He probably thinks I am using it to suggest something. He probably get jealous and insecure. Then I was talking about the party I go to guys have to pay expensive tickets to get in. This might make him feel inadequate and insecure (also one of the reasons he broke up in the past, that I made him feel less confidence).So in case on Thursday he says he wants us to cut off the regular conversation, how should I respond? I will try being very happy and nice to him, make him feel I really admire and respect him first so hopefully he will shut his mouth in case this is what he is trying to say.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I believe he was opening up, and the video was posted right at the moment he just started opening more up, then he quickly withdraw-ed and started thinking about the situation again, embarassed of his softening up and started feeling insecure again.It is like he said thousand times he flirted with the whore but they are just friends. It is just hard for me to believe. So samely he could doubt me with this video as well and thinking how reliable I am going to be without making him feel inadequate. He said he wants to settle with someone not necessary so beautiful but just enough. That means he realized a less hot commodity will be more loyal and easier to manage. So I can't present myself as those unreliable type.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Actually he does have fear, which is what showed this time. He knows I want him, but he doesn't know if I only want him out of all guys in planet earth, I told him despite I want to get back, but it is relative, not absolute. That means he still has to be able to live up to my expectations. Not like I have turned myself 100% to him. Also he knows I like guys from his country so all these guys are competitors. So he isn't sure if I only wants him, or I want him because he is from that country but there are many others who could satisfy my criteria.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I wrote him a heart felt birthday message to pump his ego. It wouldn’t be too much for him(he needs it to be casual)?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I sweetly told him I am glad he called and that I understand there are good and bad days. I believe him. His new job is stressful. He said he doesn’t want me to feel bad when I called he is not in a good mood or if he doesn’t respond. So we are good now :)And I m going to send that video tomorrow. I think he will love it.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
It probably happen with lot of little things you have in your life (not wanting to let go some things or idea and settle for compromise)
- you are right. I hold onto right and wrong a lot. So wrongs are unacceptable to me. Wrong means really wrong, not that we just had a fight or disagreements. But something literally Has been done wrong for no good reasons. Most times it involves bad or insidious people. For me not fighting back or simply compromise is just like losing part of yourself and spirit

"contracting with himself so he will change?"
Sometime that is what is needed. The philosophers often used ways to do this without insulting the person, such as a fable involving small animals or a third party example. All wraped in lot of compliment to make the pill easier to swallow.

"I will try being very happy and nice to him, make him feel I really admire and respect him first so hopefully he will shut his mouth in case this is what he is trying to say."
It sure is a good preemptive strike, but if he decided in advance it might still happen (then negociate for more spaced communications).

"or me not fighting back or simply compromise is just like losing part of yourself and spirit"
I know the feeling, some feel injustice stronger than other. You just have to think that the lion have to eat other animal to live. What seem wrong is not that wrong when looked upon on a larger scale. There is no such thing as Manichaean black and white side, just different shade of grey.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
The philosophers often used ways to do this without insulting the person, such as a fable involving small animals or a third party example.
- I don’t get what you meanThere is no such thing as Manichaean black and white side, just different shade of grey.
- I still can’t agree. Harming people for no reason or no good reason is still considered evil and black wrong. You can’t compare human with animals.Do you think my sweet and trusting words will keep him on my side and better refrain him from hunting elsewhere?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He still didn’t restore his online pattern despite my sweet words. Ego (that he wouldn’t do it because I want it) or that is still the message he wants to pass on that he will engage less?I believe certain things are shades of gray, eg I think watermelon tastes better than pear, others thinks different. But certain things are definitely black and white. Eg earth is round not square. Rob strangers’ money and kill them.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Do you think think he wants to see other women or he started talking about women more because the video made him sour and jealous?I think most people ‘s first reaction is he gets jealous and unpleasant with the video.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Do you think if I post his photo on instagram (where I posted the video) and wish him happy birthday, it will better make him feel secure and keep his heart on my side?

"refrain him from hunting elsewhere?"
Not being happy with a women mean a guy will look elsewhere if it is not too much trouble. Being sweet reduce the probablility he will go elsewhere but does not remove it completely.

"Do you think think he wants to see other women or he started talking about women more because the video made him sour and jealous?"
I think he does not personally want to see any women right now but the society around him put pressure on him to do so.

Remove the idea that he is jealous, if he was he would go back with you as it was before. Some ex boyfriend are jealous but that is only because they got dumped by their girl, never the opposite. When a guy dump a girl, the guy will even have empathy for her new boyfriend because he know what he now have to endure :)

"Do you think if I post his photo on instagram"
It sure will not make things worst. I don't think it will change anything that said as it is a very casual move.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
the society around him put pressure on him to do so.
- what?if he was he would go back with you as it was before.
- I am confused. You said he is talking to me because it is more than just being nice. Now you are saying he is not interested.Nope it doesn’t matter who dumped who. It will always sting or feel jealous. I have heard guys’ testimonials.Make no move doesn’t mean not wanting to get back together. That is instant gratification. But anything takes process. Maybe it is 6 right now. Give it time it will get to 8,9. Maybe it will always remain 6. But you told me he is more than just being friendly. So if that is true, we just need more cultivating.We were together for the first time and that was more like chemistry and trying out. It feels good so he quickly decided to try to see if a relationship will work, despite he wasn’t looking for anything ever in his life but he is open minded and decided himself to try a relationship. He is cautious on commitment so it didn’t work out. Now we are not getting back on chemistry but rather on commitment. Of course he will be careful.I don't think it will change anything that said as it is a very casual move.
- Again you are looking at instant gratification for every move. But there is something called butterfly effects when all small moves by time will accumulate to a quantum leap, or qualitative dynamite.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He was apparently sour and insecure, which is why he started checking my other social media three days in a row. He hasn’t checked since January when I told him I m seeing guys in his country. He does that whenever I left him hanging or when he feels a sense of lose.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Ps he said when he makes a decision it is the right decision and he sticks to it. That is not an easy move to eat his own words. Ps you know his dad is indecisive and thinks a lot. So is he.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I can imagine if I am just about to open up to him and how embarrassing it would feel if he posts a MV of him with another girl in a love song holding hands. That girl will probably never be my friend ever. Of course he feels jealous. Seeing is much worse than hearing me talking about other guys.

"- what?"
Biology have his saying, but society (really biology on a different scale) have lot of influence. Familly and especially mothers that want kids to love and father that want heir. Religious leader want diciple, kings want subject, government want tax payers etc...

"Now you are saying he is not interested."
There is not just an action at a time but many of them, some negative and some positive (not in a good and evil sense but like on a number axis). As long as the sum of those actions don't go in the right direction, the wanted movement will not happen.

"have heard guys"
Those guys probably dumped a nice girl for a nicer one. They still see the previous one as a fallback. Your guy did not do this, he just got away from relationship in general meaning there is no fallback possible unless he change his opinion or his tolerence level to drama.

"But there is something called butterfly effects"
Sure, when i said it will not have effect i was mentioning it for the next few weeks. But at the same time the concept of signal to noise ration get in. Very small events can have no effect on when you account the billion of events accuring in parallel. Remember you do not conduct an experiment in a controled environment, it is like other scientist are getting in the lab when you are not there and do not care for your research protocol :)

"The right decision and he sticks to it"
That is not bad. In science it is always better to keep the experient running after you failed at verifying your hypothesis. That said you eventually have to stop and look at what you have discovered new, even if it does not show what you wanted. One of the best work on indecisiveness: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimagure_Orange_Road

"That girl will probably never be my friend ever"
Don't put what you would feel on him. You are not in the same situation, you are the one that was dumped. If the guy was hitting you and filling your credit card and denting your car so that you dumped him, you sure would not be jealous for a bit whatever he does.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I honest don't know what you are talking about. He obviously showed ample amount of insecurity over the video and guys around me. Unless you want to say besides insecurity, he also wants to date others. But you were trying to tell me it is just the job, which might be one of the factors. But the video is for sure. Otherwise he wouldn't be checking my other social media. Unless he is checking it due to fear of love, fear that I am expressing my love to him
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
But the past says he checks it when he feels like losing me
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He doesn't fall back
- It has everything to do with his capability of love, rather than the girls.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
The thing is he is calling me a friend, but he is talking to me more than most guys would treat an ex. So what the heck is going on? - Because I bring interesting conversation and he learns from me?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
As long as the sum of those actions don't go in the right direction
- But it was going the right direction, he is opening and softening up, till the video blows up. You are in denials of the facts he is opening up and that he felt insecure and soured over the video.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Even he is opening up, the love notion is just too serious and not casual for him. So since you don't think he is jealous, so then he is a bit pressured by love expressions? So he is checking my social media this time not due to insecurity, but rather to see if I am a suitable candidate for seriousness?

"Because I bring interesting conversation and he learns from me?"
That is a possibility.

"he felt insecure and soured over the video."
To a certain amount. But a single video would not be enough to change thing that much unless he was already on a 50/50 indecisivness tiping point. I don't think he is fragile to that level.

"but rather to see if I am a suitable candidate for seriousness?"
That is possible. But i really think it is just curiosity, like some can't help to watch TV show in advance when a preview is avaiable because they can't stand to wait to see what is gonna happen next in the drama. He sure don't like drama to impact his life but love to watch it unfold from the comfort of his house.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
would not be enough to change thing that much unless he was already on a 50/50 indecisivness tiping point.
- So now how to move beyond that 50 mark? On the other hand, the boiling pot is getting hotter and hotter while the fog is getting more and more comfortable in the water.I don't think he is fragile to that level.
- Actually he is very fragile, depending on how close he is to the woman. When we get closer and closer, his self esteem, his ego all get magnified. My talks about ex, my comment on his look and his capability have hurt him a lot. But in the beginning stage he was pretty casual and seems can hear many things with no big deals. So yes the closer he is to a woman, the more fragile he is. He was so fragile in the end that most people even thinks he made nothing into a big thing. But I guess he was very vulnerable as he is turning his heart to a woman.But i really think it is just curiosity
- But I don't think so. For instagram which he checks every day it is curiosity yes. But like I told you he only checks facebook upon heightened situations: when I am angry and not talking to him(he is losing me), when I told him I am dating guys in his country. If it is drama and next move, he shouldn't worry about drama if I am leaving him alone. He should be happy that I am staying away from him and ready to give up and therefore no stress but relief. But apparently it is the opposite: stress not relief. And when I finally called he showed great enthusiasm to encourage me to call him. I DO think he checks the facebook whenever he feels like I am slipping away.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Is there a good book or some links that list some good love words? I have to copy and customize based on what I saw from a Facebook friends to write my heartfelt message to him. Eg “there is no one above, non besides you. Words can’t describe...I can only do my utmost to make you feel...” etc

"Because I bring interesting conversation and he learns from me?"
That is a possibility.

"he felt insecure and soured over the video."
To a certain amount. But a single video would not be enough to change thing that much unless he was already on a 50/50 indecisivness tiping point. I don't think he is fragile to that level.

"but rather to see if I am a suitable candidate for seriousness?"
That is possible. But i really think it is just curiosity, like some can't help to watch TV show in advance when a preview is avaiable because they can't stand to wait to see what is gonna happen next in the drama. He sure don't like drama to impact his life but love to watch it unfold from the comfort of his house.

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If you are right it mean you two are in a deadlock. He need to not fear love and you need to forget your grudge. He can't seem to be able to do that and you seem to not want to do that.

Shock him with a public wedding demand and see where this lead (and not on a social media please, you two abuse this far too much imbroglio.

As for book on love, men are oblivious to those things. They want to see actions. That is why social media is not good, it frame actions in a semi-fictional universe detached from physical contact, consequences and reality.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
you two are in a deadlock
- It will gradually go away - my grudge or his hesitation. Remember: the water is getting hot, slowly.Shock him with a public wedding demand
- Not sure if I am taking it that far but guys in his country are more shy and probably women are more proactive. It is a country women are probably stronger than men. The advice he gave me last time is guys in his country like to be approached because they are shy.actions
- Men like actions themselves. I didn't know they like actions from women as well. What actions? Give me some examples.

Action as initiative. Start things. Ever saw a women starting her future child room even before he is conceived, that kind of initiative. Just do it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
But what specific actions you want me to do with him besides the wedding proposal?Ps. Yesterday he was still checking my facebook after receiving the video (tip: he is anxious somehow). Maybe because I didn't respond after he said he will call me today. Maybe the video gives him lots of thoughts, whatever they are. Today he didn't call me till late. I called him first to see what is going on. He didn't pick up and called me back an hour later. He said he is having hang over from the birthday party. Lol maybe he is acting cool by left me hanging (while secretly checking my facebook showing he is not that cool). So he will always show a different image in the front vs at the back.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Posting his photo on my social media IS an ACTION. And it will make the whore bleed as well

Invite him back to your country for a week or two if he have no job right now, all expense paid.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
But he wouldn’t let me pay in the past. He is the only guy who won’t even sometimes let me pay the tabs. I offered one time at the dinner and he secretly paid his half. Then he always pays everything on a date.How do I even say this? Especially we are not back together yet. Also as a guy from a country where guys aren’t initiative takers, I don’t know if he will make the gesture you expected to one day call me and say let’s be together. When we started dating, it was a slow, gradual and natural process.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
It might just be when we meet next time and if it naturally happens that we started hugging and holding hands, then that is it.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Ps I know in July they have one month off. I could start laying the foundation and instill in his mind that he should come visiting here. What are the good reasons I could use?He also has desire to work/live in some of the nearby countries. What can I do to make him feel like not limiting his freedom while making these desires appear less appealing? An attitude of not agreeing nor disagreeing?

Then don't say you will pay and only bring the subject if he mention it is expensive.

"What are the good reasons I could use?"
Just thell him that if you have to wait for reasons it will never happen, that you have to make time to see friend or else you never see them back.

As for where he want to work, as i said let him try things. The more he try the more he can fail and then the more he can learn. Settling down come to guys often because they don't feel they have all the experience they need but because they feel they have at least enough. He need to reach that enough stage.

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Just thell him that if you have to wait for reasons it will never happen, that you have to make time to see friend or else you never see them back.
- What?Hehe if I show no interest in his desires, he might lose the appetite too. I remember I used to talk in front of a guy I am with that I want to date someone else bluh bluh. I was partially meaning it (because he wasn't someone I am attracted to so I am not so into him and I am wondering about other options). But to my surprise, he is quite lukewarm to my saying. If he showed an attitude, I would probably even be more pushed to do it. But simply because he showed no reactions, I lost my appetite to even want to do that any more.

"- What?"

I mean the reason you have to use is "why not".

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
After he got enough assurance, Facebook checking has stopped this week. I told you, he only do that when he is not having control of me:)Ps I don’t know if this is to our ex situation or any couples are like this: but so some days you feel lame while some days you feel cool with your partners?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I said all those super nice things in his birthday video, I posted his photo on instagram as well. What do you think he will feel about these words? He didn’t make any big gestures other than going online. I didn’t go online a lot this week. He checked my Facebook again last night (at his midnight of a Thursday, wow). Today he went online at my wake up time so I know he is hoping I will contact him. I called but we ended up not able to have a conversation because I am in a meeting.Saturday he said he may go out, which I don’t like. So we arranged to talk on Sunday. He is not going out for girls huh since I am still occupying his mind?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I am so confused, guys want comfort and consistency. But in the meanwhile they are hunters who likes the chase and unpredictability. How do a woman balance both the correct way?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
is it necessary that I ask him what he thinks about us, or don’t ever bring up such thing, and wait for the next chance to meet to strike in action?

"while some days you feel cool with your partners?" Yes, that happen all the time. It can even happen with oneself.

"while some days you feel cool with your partners?"
You cut him some slack. You let him go to competitive sport event, hunting or fishing at least once a year. Any activities that include competitivity.

"while some days you feel cool with your partners?"
Too fuzzy of a question. He will fear a trap and evade it. Ask something more tangible like : what could we do to improve our relation. You can also detail it more like specifying what could make it more efficient, more fun etc...

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"while some days you feel cool with your partners?" Yes, that happen all the time. It can even happen with oneself.

"while some days you feel cool with your partners?"
You cut him some slack. You let him go to competitive sport event, hunting or fishing at least once a year. Any activities that include competitivity.

"while some days you feel cool with your partners?"
Too fuzzy of a question. He will fear a trap and evade it. Ask something more tangible like : what could we do to improve our relation. You can also detail it more like specifying what could make it more efficient, more fun etc...

Ask Your Own General Question
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Sounds good:)I said all those super nice things in his birthday video, I posted his photo on instagram as well. What do you think he will feel about these words? he said today he may go out, which I don’t like. So we arranged to talk on Sunday. He is not going out for girls huh since I am still occupying his mind?And I am so confused, guys want comfort and consistency. But in the meanwhile they are hunters who likes the chase and unpredictability. How do a woman balance both the correct way?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
He didn’t make any big gestures other than going online towards my nice birthday wish words. Is this typical behavior with guys? I think a girl would express emotional words back to the guy who said these words
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
You cut him some slack. You let him go to competitive sport event
- So it is not to balance in the way that some days you act like busy(focus on yourself), other days you are all around him (physical or psychological)?
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Plus being mystic (he can’t see through you like a white paper).
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
after my heartfelt birthday words:
A. He is less likely to want to see other women
B. He is more likely to want to see other women
C. The same as before
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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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