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For expert: today I am arriving at his city and stay for two…

For expert Martin: Hi today I...
For expert Martin:
Hi today I am arriving at his city and stay for two weeks. I haven’t contacted him since that grumpy message probably because I m not happy that he was avoiding me. Now can you give me ideas on how to ask him out to meet, using what reasons? Especially if I want to meet him as often as possible. How can I make things progress as well with each meeting (every new meeting would get us closer on top of the previous one).I guess I would start with telling him he has to vacate all the wrongfully places feelings against me and also he is supposed to treat someone being wrong better to make it up for all the wrong experience I have gone through. I will also discuss that life biz plan with him. What do you think? For a narcissist it is easy to find a replacement than fix the problems. They are so good at picking up. The only way to make them stick around is to increase their investment and satisfy their needs. So I have to make him spend his time, energy, money and etc. also find out what he wants and give him those.
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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
Ps I think his narcissism was formed due to childhood negligence (his sister got all the attention and his dad works a lot). But his parents are very nice people and he loved his family a lot. What can be done to satisfy his unfinished childhood business or unsatisfied needs?
Customer reply replied 6 months ago
His dad is probably like him, very logic. His parents met each other around 20. Already had his and his sister when they are 20,21. His mom is a very very nice person. But his dad didn’t marry his mom till he is 40. He said he wants to make sure she is the right one. Giving his dad is similarly very picky, how can I pass his and his dad’s scrutinization?
Answered in 13 hours by:
1/15/2018
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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
I asked about the biz plan. He is not interested in resolving it. He has no idea but he knows he is not good at commitment. Dating is not priority in his life right now, career probably is.
Customer reply replied 6 months ago
He made no effort or intention to want to see me lol. We reached an exchange agreement that I don’t bring up past and he can’t blame any of my past actions or revenge.
Customer reply replied 6 months ago
He also says we don’t go back, we start fresh as friends. I don’t know if he is aware he is open for the possibility of future reconciliation; or he just only genuinely want to be friends.He encouraged me to find someone using my heat as well, he think I m not trying hard. Maybe I should tell him I mostly just want to ensure I don’t pay for the whore’s actions so I hang out on him? If he knows it is less about him, he will probably have more desire for me?(because human beings are cheap. They want what they can’t have. If he knows I so loyally hang up on him, I don’t worth that much in his eyes).
Martin
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Category: General
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The problem is that you two do not live on the same time scale. You are ready and he is not. You need him to get some time to try things, even things you know will lead to nothing, you need to help him fall, many time to learn and find what have real value in the end. Give him opportunity, don't push on him. I know you said you don't have much patience and want this resolved as soon as possible, but i also see that you hang on him after all those months way past the date you were willing to give up on him.

It can indeed come from when he was young (many things do) but it can also be genetic, like his father.

It is hard for me to suggest things to do in his city (i don't live there), but you surely could organize something with his familly. If he don't invite you back, they might. Talk with his father, ask his father why he personally waited this long and what his criteria are as he may be able to transcribe this to word better than his immature son.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
that is an excellent point: help him fall and accelerate. But how do I help him fall, besides finding difficult and impossible projects for him to do?I think it might be inappropriate for me to go directly to his parents if I am communicating with him directly. The best I can do is request to see his parents, which I doubt he will agree. He denies lots of invites and only do coffee meeting with me to avoid giving the impression of a date.Also I have decided to strike and take initiative physically since this is my last chance and future opportunities might be much less. But there is good chance even he let me hug, or he holds me, nothing more can happen. You told me if I strike I have make it all the way to the end. But he avoids going to my place or have me over to his place. But I have to do something since it is last chance. I might have to get emotional and let him realize we might never see each other again and I am not looking long term for a relationship. Hopefully he will went emotional under this situation.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps you say you are not sure what is going on between him and the whore. He always insisted they are nothing more than friends. What is your best guess?

"But how do I help him fall" Support him in all he want to do but never mention the pitfall or risk, even if your lips are burning to mention them.

"inappropriate for me to go directly to his parents"
You were with him for a while, it is not as if nothing ever happened. Do not get there expecting them to give you a bed for a week, but they sure can talk to you for an afternoon.

"He always insisted they are nothing more than friends. What is your best guess?"
I am tempted to believe him from the way he act from that time. At least that girl does not seem to have liked him/needing him like you do :)

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
never mention the pitfall or risk
- ok :dddddthey sure can talk to you for an afternoon.
- but I still should go through him to see his parents or it would be weird to bypass, unless he wouldn’t talk to medoes not seem to have liked him/needing him
- so he is interested in it (the whore)?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If the whore would be interested then he would have betrayed me? Should I tell him this?

If you know he will not say yes, then by not asking he then will not say no either. That will be less akward if you go see them first. The idea is not to go there all the time, just once to gather information an pass them some messages. Then only go back if you are invited again by them.

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As for the "whore" and the betreyal thing, if he was to do it, he would do it all the time. The proper way to do it is to mention to the person you are quiting them, then move with the other. It does not seem he moved with her and their relation never progressed.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
still does he ever wanted it? The thing is he wouldn’t make a move because he would assume more responsibility. But if it made the move, he would be move forward with it?I still think it wouldn’t be proper to pass by him. Plus I already tried to invite her s parents last time I was here and they rejected it.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
How would it be possible to get physical with him if he is so careful? I feel like he would be ok with some holding and that is it. Or I can steal some kisses and no idea if he will be drawn in or not. What are the tricks (note he wouldn’t go to my place or bar with me so I can’t get him drunk)

They rejected comming to see you, they never said the opposite. You already said to me he would probably reject the idea, you have the initiative right now so i would take it.

We now live in a different world (at least socially) lately with the hashtag METOO. You can get in trouble by getting someone drunk and making him do something he would not other wise, you could get in trouble by forcing a kiss etc...

He is not the kind of guy you will be able to seduce by confusion and get his sexual pulsion take the front stage. He already planed a defence for all those, you need to get to him intellectually.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
His parents have already rejected me once before so I don’t think it is a good idea, plus bypassing him. And even if I go directly with his parents, they will ask their son and listen to his willingness.I don’t mean force kissing. But you can kiss soon neons without asking. They can push you away. Also if he got drunk, that is not by force either. He drinked himself.Get to him intellectually
- we have limited time and chance left. There is not enough time to go the slow route. I have to do something. Even he rejects my passion, he is going to feel an ego pump because he is wanted.What about the whore thing?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Are you suggesting me to ask him if he wants to kiss or get intimate with me?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Tell him we might not see each other again will work? What other conversation might work?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
In our coffee meeting two days ago, he used his phone to hit my phone on the table. Does the teasing mean anything (that I could respond and then make our flirtations escalate)?

If you want to go the fast route you will have to put things in high gear, and that mean dropping by at his parent house if you are in the town. Get emotional with them, they won't reject you at this point. The idea is to get information, telling in advance you come is like a meat inspector telling in advance the butcher that they are comming, you won't have the full truth.

"Are you suggesting me to ask him if he wants to kiss or get intimate with me?" That is better.

"Tell him we might not see each other again will work? " he is probably ready to be told that, so the effect will be minimal .

"What other conversation might work?" Confrontation on his own fear, interlaced with declaring your own fault and your own fear so that he don't feel reduced but see that you open all wide.

" Does the teasing mean anything" as i told you, unless he is gay men don't do that kind of fuzzy teasing. Animal may do things like that to another of the pack to give them confidence to stand up again if wounded, like encouragement to keep it up. perhaps he is just sensing that you are sad.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps how I do it can also make a difference. If I do it naturally and elegantly with passion emotion and love then at least he would be repelled.Tell him we might not see each other again will work? " he is probably ready to be told that, so the effect will be minimal
- no he always assumed I will come visit his country often (I told him so. Especially I even said I might move over for a couple of years). So it would be a surprise if I project we won’t see each other much anymoreHe is definitely not gay. He likes to tease and flirt. So he was being playful. I just wonder if this might lead to something more if done more and more
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If the whore would be interested then he would have taken the offer and betray me and his words? Should I tell him this?

"Should I tell him this?"
No, because you would just assume. And you would be pusshing him further at the other side of the galaxy where he would be even harder to reach.

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He was already under the mindset that he wanted you to move on. He already accepted you may never see ever again.

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"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth". Arthur Conan Doyle

Go see his parent.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
What is he proud of? A mistake he had no gain? He benefited nothing except loss from leaving me.He lives with his parents! Like I said it would be bazaar to see his parents without telling him. And if he wouldn’t want it, his parents wouldn’t agree either. Ps what do you want me to find out from his parents? They will probably just tell me to leave their son alone as well.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If the whore would be interested then he would have taken the offer and betray me and his words?
- you don’t know?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If he reject kissing, then I can’t ever attempted it again, isn’t it?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He accepted we won’t see each other again. But he knows I will always hang on so that is not going to happen. But now if I said it myself that it is probably going to end, that is another story
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Can I also tell him the main reason I still hang on is because I don’t like paying for orger’s mistake or consequences? It won’t sound nice but he will know it is not because of him (people want what they can’t have. If he thinks I will never leave him, he is not going to value me)
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He never worried about our status because I will ‘never’ leave, in which case he also doesn’t need to get back with me because I m still here and he has the upper hand power

"what do you want me to find out from his parents"
I already told you that, you need to ask them why it did not work with their son, especially from his father point of view. From there you can approach the son in a different , corrected way to increase your chance. Let's call that enemy intelligence gathering.

Perhaps you fear meeting them?

The fear of loosing you disapeared. Nobody make a fuzz about loosing a friend by slowing seeing them less and less. Only when one die in an accident that a shock is produced. Friend are easy to replace. They don't last in the mind for years like lovers do.

You have to reflect on the basic fundenmental reasons why you two got together in the first place. The link was weak and easy to break. You need to revisit the genesis of all this. Was it common interest, common goal or phylosophy that binded you together or was it just to do like everybody else.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I told you many times they already rejected once before and bypassing him when our communication channel is still open would be inappropriate.Also his parents might simply want me to leave him alone because of my revenge, even he put me in that situation to react.Even losing followers you don’t care much about isn’t like completely not disappointing. And you are assuming he won’t get emotional if I try to poke it. I can tell you he likes to look back on our past a lot, even he doesn’t want want the present. But there is at least a link. A person going to a mall telling himself he won’t buy anything might still end up buying if he likes a product.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
When we were together, honestly he has more emotions than I did and has put more into it than I did.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If I ask him what he is proud of leaving me when he gained nothing except loss, what do you think he will think?Also he never tasted really losing me for good, how do you know if he won’t feel disappointed or a sense of urgency if that happens for good? Men or women, no one cherished what they definitely can have
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Should I at least ask their son first, maybe invite all three to restaurant? If he rejects I would have a good reason to approach his parents directly.Why you never answer if he’d take the whore offer or not?

You can try the disapear forever card. That is a last chance things that said, because if you come back later it would have mined your credibility.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Nothing is forever. I just meant we might never see each other again, which is quite possible and I can still come back without feeling embarrassed because I didn’t say never.Even he is not aroused, he could be sympathetic and give me some right and long hugs.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Tight*
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps what is my purpose to find out from his dad (the reason I give his dad)? That I still want his son or I want closure?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He doesn’t know his fear. He admits he is not good at commitment, not sure why. But he bet it is a combination of not having a career, fear of being rejected, wanting different women etc. at least his main focus right now is career and money.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Also if I can’t get him back, that means I lost him for good forever because of the whore. I will never accept this. How do I tell him (how to say it) I have unfinished business? He is expecting if we are on good terms then we are good. But I won’t accept this result. The past was too horrible for me to leave behind.

"That I still want his son or I want closure?" You don't put it this way, you ask why it did not worked out. You also don't ask why particularly it did not worked with his son but instead why it did not worked with that specific type of personality.

"He doesn’t know his fear"
That is why speaking to his father would be a big plus. There is nothing more critical of a son than a father.

As for the lost, you can turn that upside down and say that if you keep him the lost is of somebody somewhere that would be more compatible with your personality.

As for being able to accept, acceptance, i have to put you in context:
https://youtu.be/b_N_dYRb4_4
" I will never accept this", that is as foolish thinking as your boyfriend saying he will never get back with you. Never is a very long time but in reality not as long as always.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I used to ask his parents why he never had a gf. They wouldn't tell me anything. They don't want to project their son in a negative way.At least right now, I know I won't easily accept the consequences of the whore's destruction.If I ask him what he is proud of leaving me when he gained nothing except loss, what do you think he will think?If the whore would be interested then he would have taken the offer and betray me and his words?

"If the whore would be interested then he would have taken the offer and betray me and his words?"
You keep saying that, but we don't know about this. Like in math, extrapolated values have no value :)

"I used to ask his parents why he never had a gf. They wouldn't tell me anything. They don't want to project their son in a negative way. "
So you were his first? The reason why they did not want to answer may be interesting and they would perhaps be more incline to tell you now that you are no longer together. You must not make it a him them versus you but a you versus future boyfriend of that type.

It may seem to be wore destruction now, but it was perhaps not a solid relation and almost any disturbance could have caused the same outcome.

"If I ask him what he is proud of leaving me when he gained nothing except loss, what do you think he will think?"
I think he will think that he loss anxiety and complication and gained peace and liberty. For many men, liberty is an emotion stronger than love.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
You keep saying that, but we don't know about this. Like in math, extrapolated values have no value :)
- I mean what is your best guess? :)The reason why they did not want to answer may be interesting
- It might just be general. No parents want to answer a question that is based on a flaw of their kid.You must not make it a him them versus you but a you versus future boyfriend of that type.
- Yes he thinks I am his first serious one. I did this with him and he thinks it is weird that I ask this question to see how to do better in the future with other guys.it was perhaps not a solid relation and almost any disturbance could have caused the same outcome.
- This is the whore's intentional and malicious acts for such a long time. It is not excusable. It is not like an adversity. This is vindictive and horrible!!!!!gained peace and liberty
- Nope he didn't gain peace and liberty. I go after them both for a long time and revenge. But I revenge because they both have put me in a serious terrible situation for no fault of mine. I suffered the most being the party made the least mistakes. So he never gained anything! It was much worse after he left me and choose to stand by the whore because it starts on a horrible mistake of his.

My best guess is that nothing took place and he was already not interested to be involved with anyone at that point.

He his no longer in couple, that mean that there is something in the couple idea that do not fit with what he want from life (even if he may not know exactly what it is right now). If he was less happy now he would go back with you.

"- Yes he thinks I am his first serious one. I did this with him and he thinks it is weird that I ask this question to see how to do better in the future with other guys.
" i was more meaning in relation to the parents

"No parents want to answer a question that is based on a flaw of their kid." Some do, especially if they have more than one kid, they then feel a lot less unique and perfect.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
he was already not interested to be involved with anyone at that point.
- I mean casual. He would never want the whore serious but they can hookup.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
something in the couple idea that do not fit with what he want from life
- Well don't forgot his narcissism and avoidance attachment style. I believe these are the reasons why he feels he doesn't need anyone. But I think the recent turmoil has changed him a lot. He no longer says he doesn't want anyone. He now says he is not ready to settle, and a big reason is his career and lack of money.

"But I think the recent turmoil has changed him a lot"
That is what i mean when i say to let time work his way.

On career and money. It could be easy to make him see many have good love life without money and with/or a big career at the same time but the best is to let him see than once those condition are met, he will still feel the same. At that point you need to ask him at least how much money is needed.

As for the whore, unless she is rich and have a dad that can advance his career, i see no future between those two.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
That is what i mean when i say to let time work his way.
- It is not time. It is my yelling, revenge and accusations :)let him see than once those condition are met, he will still feel the same
- How?As for the whore, unless she is rich and have a dad that can advance his career, i see no future between those two.
- I never said so. But I mean he might want to hookup. And I was asking if he is interested in hooking up with it?

i don't think he will have such interest for a while.

-How?
by letting him prioritize his career and make sure he don't waste money as he need to invest as much as he can if he is serious about having more money in the first place. If he fail on both count in the next 6 month, it mean that he just use that as an excuse.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
You’d be disappointed. I think he is pretty frugal. I think his dad made some money but he is not a money spender.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps he doesn’t have much academic knowledge, not that he is not academically smart, he is more of not interested. Also he is pretty street smart. He has a clear understanding of his own problems that most people don’t have a clear awareness of, which inspired me to have an unprecedented breakthrough of myselfDo you think his lack of academic knowledge will be a problem between us? Eg he doesn’t even know the types of business job titles or different disciplines out there. He co owned a restaurant biz since 21 for 5 years, managing more than 10 employees. The biz is profitable but I don’t know how much money he made

Then he may reach those goal relatively fast 2-3 year. Then you can try him again with your settling proposal.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Fast?

from his background he seem to prefer business, and that can lead to money faster than salary.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
But I was talking about his lack on academic knowledge and wonder if it is going to be a problem
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If the whore would be interested in something casual with him,would he has taken the offer?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I guess you are right, it doesn’t seem he cares much whether he will see me again. He made the decision to detach from me so he will not be emotionally hurt by me any more. So I don’t know how much of a chance I’d have by hoping to get intimate with him. Seems impossible.I could play pity and act weak. Do you think it will make him emotionally affected? Or he will be pretty logically cold?If I try to confront how he is proud of a decision (leaving me) that he gained nothing from except loss, will it shake him up or he will just be too logic and immature to get it?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He doesn’t even think it is necessary to meet again because we already met once. I don’t know what he is thinking because I think he has been checking on my social media, which means for whatever reason he cared, but in front of me, he acted like he doesn’t care. Is it because he is afraid of his ego being hurt by me again , or he truly doesn’t care?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Actually...I think he is just pretending to not care. Because initially he says I will always come to his country. When I emphasize that we won’t see each other much in the future he immediately agrees yes.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Hey so we are going to meet again this Friday and I plan to strike and see if we can get physical lol. There is not much opportunity in the future anyway if I don't grab this chance so there is not much to lose by moving forward with this and he will know why there is much validity in doing it this way as well.The question is what are the tips you can offer in regards ***** ***** the chance of it happening?

"academic knowledge and wonder if it is going to be a problem". Not a problem unless you want to go at higher academic level, not a problem for real life.

"would he has taken the offer?" for a one night perhaps, not to take her as a girlfriend and not first breaking up with you.

"Do you think it will make him emotionally affected". He will be logical.

" which means for whatever reason he cared, but in front of me". He probably just care to see if personal view about you happen or not, just to be able to adjust is justment gain very logically, like an experiment.

Tip for the meeting, don't cry. Logical guys like logical girls. Other than what you already did, perhaps offering to move to his country would help to tip the odds on your side.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
What made you think he is a logic guy? When we were dating, he was more emotional and has more feelings than I do.And what is his logic? He made a wrong decision to get rid of me because he thought I was the problem. Getting rid of me will solve the problem. But because I was not the problem, the whore is, which is why getting rid of me solved nothing except making matters worse because I was seriously wronged. So his logic is to stick with a wrong decision because it is already made? And can’t accept the revenge and reaction that is bound to happen because he put others in that situation to act that way? Hehe I m amused. This is not logic, this is called loser behavior.He probably just care to see if personal view about you happen or not, just to be able to adjust is justment gain very logically, like an experiment.
- what?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He felt hurt and had mixed feelings for me. It is not logical c, it is feelings that he decided to breakup. His feelings were hurt, not that logics are not working
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Oh he also always says he want a girl who makes him feel good. So he is not a logic guy
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Hehe I tried everything, logic, emotions. Nothing works. He is just like a dead person that nothing can brings him back. Nothing.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I swear you can find every method that works and it will never work with him.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I made all the effort but he is nowhere touched. I bet talking to his parents wouldn’t really do anything either. Even if they tell me something, he’d not change anything including him and us
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Also his parents live faraway without good public transportation that I have to rent a car and I don’t even know how to get there since I remember there are small roads and maybe these roads don’t even have a name. I have no idea!
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I can’t believe he’d shamelessly claim the whore never did anything to hurt him, that the whore deserves the normal right of life, it is a human being and deserves a second chance (over its Mishra). Hehe I bet he is having too much feelings for the whore , which probably explains why he’d stand by the who’re over me even before we broke up
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
34;would he has taken the offer?" for a one night perhaps, not to take her as a girlfriend and not first breaking up with you.
- so he has to breakup with me first because he doesn’t like to cheat. But he is a habitual hopper

There is many different kind of logic. What you don't understand is an encapsulation logic, you encapsulate the problem and you then ignore it. The problem go away by pure will. That is because he shifted something in his mind, he decided he no longer needed relationship. The problem in this case was drama, something he can't make go away by discussion and can't go back in time either. Ignoring the problem have a cost (you) but the pay off was higher for him (peace of mind).

He is logical because like you said he decided to prioritize his career and he his doing the sacrifice to do so. Emotionals do not do that, they do not plan.

If you want to get to him you need to be seen as a link in the chain that will bring him to his goal.

"he want a girl who makes him feel good". I think we can rephrase this to: ***** ***** a girl that will confort him into his decision and remove any doubt about his plans. He have a lot of indecision caused by fear/doubt.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He is very single minded: if he decided this is not good (me and the relationship), he put me aside like you said and never touch me again (get back together), even realizing the mistakes he made and what the whore has done.And this is what pisses me off: like you already know it is a mistake, why you are still sticking to a mistake. He can't say why but he insisted to stick to the decision that was made on the basis of a mistake. So today I bursted out all my unhappy points again. Funny thing is they told you to not fight because it will make our relationship worse. But I find out while he resisted my grumpy words, but he can tell how angry/hurt I am and obviously I have a point to make. He then will listen. Also I tried to call his father. He picked up the phone. He told me don't call his mom or dad because it is our matter. I said it helps because your dad is more mature and it will be easier to communicate since it is so hard to make you understand. I guess this motivated him to be more listening than resisting. I made it clear we'll never be on real good terms because he is making me paying for all the consequences (that he lost all his feelings and we'll never get back together). My point is he lost all these feelings for me because of the whore and then assume it is because he didn't want me and our relationship wasn't that great anyway, which is something I can't accept because it is unacceptable because everything was made so because of the whore's destruction. I admit we also had some problems back then with him having even more problems and he said more hurtful things and I have been pretty good putting up with his shit. Realizing all these, he knows he can't bug over the issues we had back then because every couples have problems and I was already better than most girls in putting up with him.At the end of our conversation today, he realized there is no NEVER for NEVER. He realized even he said he will never get back with me, but you never knows because he obviously experience himself that he said he will never forgive me or talk to me but now he did. Same for me. He started realizing get back together might be possible even in his immediate mind he can't imagine how it would ever happen. But at least he is open to the idea now. He did bring up the reality that he is here and I am there. I said it is just excuse because there is always a way to get together if you want to. He agreed that as well.He just made the point that whenever I brought up the past, it doesn't help with getting back together. It simply bring things back steps. He kind of said let's keep in touch and see how future goes.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I also find out from other guy in his country that the lifestyle of not knowing what they want and never had a relationship are pretty common. Younger people doesn’t want relationship or settlement. They just want an easy hookup lifestyle. When getting older like 35-40, they will settle. So it is more of an age matter when the switch gets turned.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
It is partly because of the country’s policy that education is free, so people can take it whenever they want. Many people go work or travel for some time, then study or continue studying. So it is common they start or is still in college at age 25-27. This delayed their major life plan or maturity as well, causing delays in settlements
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He also did mention my revenge behaviors have turned him off. How can I respond to this, that I am sorry and it was situational?

"So it is more of an age matter when the switch gets turned." That can have a lot to do with the problem indeed. Familly with less kids often spoil them and mirror the same things, also kids that are able to stay with parents for long time. That said, generalizing for a group is always a better bet than generalizing for an individual.

"How can I respond to this"
Saying you were sorry can attest that is was your fault at the begining, but your fault was caused by the begining. So you say you are sorry but you need to make him understand that you learned that communication is a better first reflex than revenge and that you grew from the misadventure and the future will not repeat twice in that regard.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
you say you are sorry but you need to make him understand that you learned that communication is a better first reflex than revenge and that you grew from the misadventure and the future will not repeat twice in that regard.
- yes. He is dreading for an apology and regret feeling from me :) But I m more like yes I am sorry for some of the behaviors but in the meanwhile I also emphasized how my reactions were inevitable. He understands as well. He said he regrets everything he as done to put me in that situation.But he is still saying we are not meant to be together, I am not the right girl for him. Why is he saying this? How can I do about it? In the meanwhile he has been checking the chat tool frequently. I am leaving his country tomorrow. I don’t understand he was checking my social media and the chat tool, but whenever I met him or talk to him, he always sounded like he doesn’t want it and he wants me to move on lol.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
How often do you think I should contact him from now on?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
communication is a better first reflex than revenge
- we communicated a lot. He just would never understand that situation or me. He was completely confused by the whore. It was an insanely difficult situation that our conflicts and misunderstanding were inevitable with the situation the whore manufactured. In another words, the loss of our relationship was inevitable with such a malicious, mentally sick evil
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I think he probably also minded that I talked his look that I think he is ugly. This might also be oartid why he thinks we are not a fit.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He also thhas his he should find someone from his culture because they will have the same culture, backgrounds, get along better and have better connection. I told him same culture only means they have similar life habit, has nothing to do with emotional depth and connection. Am I right?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps which way will have better effect?:
1. Step back and create scarcity. People want what they can’t have
2. Stay in contact, give him more warm feelings and supportI know you mentioned big chunks vs small chunks of time. But there are risks for each case I think.

He say that because he need to make an effort at each action he make to not cause a drama. Like i said, you may be (or have been) on the same emotional wavelenght but not on the same "how mind mork" wavelenght. This cause him to always be in a predictive state that cause him fatigue, sucking lot of the fun from him in the relation. So he can take you but only at little doses.

"I think he probably also minded that I talked his look that I think he is ugly." again, completly forget about this. This is a false idea you have.

"Am I right?" On that point, totally. But like i just said, same culture mean more compatible in the sense that he have less adjustment and that mean less fatigue at the end of the day.

"better effect?:"
2

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Hehe ok :)you may be (or have been) on the same emotional wavelenght but not on the same "how mind mork" wavelength
- so what should I do to be on the same mind work length?But it is true he minded a lot about the looks. He always thought he is a charming good catch but I smashed his vanity.He is still not taking initiatives. How can I change this?: by requesting or you think when we progress in feelings he will get more proactive? Do you think he is the kind of guy who will judge me as being easy just because I took more initiative?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ps unlike previously that he is avoiding me online, now he comes online often. But how do I know if he is willing to chat with me because he somehow is interested in me and is gauging the opportunity, or he is just trying to make me feel happy to compensate for all the trouble he puts me through?

About the look, you could compliment him once in a while always ending up with "today" or "on that day" when it is about a photo when he is particularly well presented. As in you are looking particularly nice today. That should incrementally increase his confidence about that issue and eventually erase the other event from his memory. All this without having you to say you are sorry about the event itself (because that would bring past drama on the table again).

"so what should I do to be on the same mind work length?" You need to have common goals and interests and paddle in the same direction. You also need to have the same patience level on things. So you need enough things in common yet at the same time have enough of complementary skills to be of use.

He won't take initiative because he need a time off emotionally. You can take the initiative but that just will eat a bit of his time off. It is like someone with a sunburn that still go into under the will heal slower and can even develop chronic problem that stay. Like i said many time to you, time is the repair machine in all this.

If he communicate with you he is interested. there is soooo many diversions online that if he was not interested he would do something else online.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ok I will try compliment him more, on his look and his work capability. I think I shamed him on both in the past.You need to have common goals and interests and paddle in the same direction. You also need to have the same patience level on things
- That means I have to ask him questions to know his needs before I can satisfy those needs.It is like someone with a sunburn that still go into under the will heal slower and can even develop chronic problem that stay.
- Well I have to increase his investment. The more time and energy he spends on me (voluntarily or passively), it will have an impact and eventually he will think he is the one doing it and it is because he has something for me. It is a psychology trick. e.g. I tried to hold his hand and arm, hug him and act like I am sad we might never see each other again. He was not preparing for some touchy acts and I was also afraid to so. But I forced myself to do something that I am uncomfortable with. Guess what, now I am thinking about the touching moments we had and it gives warm vibes, despite none of us was comfortable at the time. I assume he passively accepted these acts and now it is having some viral effect on him as well.If he communicate with you he is interested
- Yeah he was online pretty often now, and no longer avoiding me (remember I was so pissed that he was avoiding me online after my christmas greetings which disclosed my intentions). Verbally he no longer says we are done and he opened up for the possibility of a potential reconciliation. He hasn't been feeling well since I didn't talk to him for two weeks because he was avoiding me after the christmas, and went to his country and told him I am seeing guys. He got sick and then the second time I saw him he was having beard (it is the first time I saw him with beard), and he is checking online pretty often. I guess these are signs he still minded as I am seeing other guys :)I feel like I should try to close the deal in the next couple of months, that we should either meet or I should ask him to reconcile if he makes no moves. In these couple of months, I should try to make the conversation as pleasant as possible, compliment him and show that I have common goals and interests as him, support and care about him, lol. What do you think about this plan?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
At the end of the day, it is all of strategies that turns impossible into possible. Remember he used to refuse to meet because he thinks I want to get back together. And I played the friendship trick to get him willing to talk and meet. He resisted since Christmas when realizing my friendship was a smoke, but now he is accepting and openning up for the opportunity of getting back together. Of course the jealous game also works to give him pressure and make him fear the loss. But it is just a step by step process bringing closer to the goal.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
If he communicate with you he is interested.
- because he knows I am not happy we broke up because of the whore and I am wronged, which I won’t accept. So it is possible he would do this to just compensate and take care of my grudge so it will be put down. Isn’t it? So how can I know for sure if he is interested or he is just being considerate?
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ok I called him today and expressed that I’d like him to call me as well. He is saying he doesn’t have much going on. Anyway I encouraged him. It might not happen right away but it gets into his head I think.

I have nothing against that plan.

You will be able to know the difference between being only considerate of if there is more with time. Empaty have his limit and one will eventually stop giving help on a certain problem after a certain time and let the person fly from their own wings.

He may indeed not have much going on, as you say he concentrate on money and career right now and those need to be seed actions that need time to emerge into something interesting.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Ok thanks :)
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
But how do I know which below is the case?:
1. Interested (in the sense of good feeling and engagement) but knows it is not enough to possibly commit or get back together
2. Interested but just need more time to build up to a stronger level of commitment and reconciliation
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
2. Interested but just need more time to build up to a stronger level leading to eventual commitment and reconciliation*
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He would go on that chat tool after I get up in the morning a few times till it is his time to sleep. Otherwise he is not on that tool. Do you think he is just playing these silent games of engagement just to accommodate my feelings, or he really cares?I remember when I was in his country and tried to jealous him with other guys, he suddenly went online a lot and when I first get back home from his country, he was also on there quite a lot.

At this point it seem mostly curiosity that i sense from him.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
you think it is more like 1?:1. Interested (in the sense of good feeling and engagement) but knows it is not enough to possibly commit or get back together
2. Interested but just need more time to build up to a stronger level of commitment and reconciliation
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Do you really think he is just keeping me on the back seat? Why would he got anxious when I try to make him jealous if he is simply curious?

2

Anxious perhaps from you getting something not right for you or perhaps cutting all bridge with him and never see you again if you are 100% happy with the new relation.

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Hehe ok
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